My almost 18 year old daughter has recently desisted and, as a way for her to deal with her mental distress, I suggested she write down her story. Here it is, and I hope it helps others navigating through this…. I hated myself ever since I could remember. I never fit in.
Your article is very important because it contains the truth. Young people need to hear the truth. “Gender ideology tells us lies. It tells us we can be a man, when transition will only ever go as far as to being able to resemble a cis man.” Thank you for being brave enough and caring enough to tell your story. I wish you the best in the years to come.
As a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) I'd say Gender Dysphoria has become a form of targeted self hate. Diffuse discomfort with oneself and outright self hate (which you say you felt) find a "designated issue" in Gender. That's why ASD and Foster youth and kids with PTSD have such high percent TG identified. Our psychiatric and medical communities have very little skill when it comes to intense self state problems like dissociation and self hate. These are right brain issues, tending to correlate with the developmental years, and CBT (a left brain therapy) does not touch them. Neurofeedback, Somatic Psychotherapy and other right brain focused modalities are the way to get at these issues. The very kids who need to learn/feel "I'm okay how I am" are being told "you're right, you need drastic changes to be ok." It's tragic.
Beautifully done! You even had citations and everything. I am glad your depression seems to be better as well. Self-loathing is such an awful feeling, and you are exactly right to point out self-hating young girls are being offered deceptively easy fixes. What a nightmare this has all become. Best of luck to you and keep writing!
I'm so sorry for what you and your family went through. I do hope that things are looking a little lighter now and that you can connect with interests and people that build your self esteem and take you in more positive directions. Thank you for sharing your story. It will make a difference to many readers.
I shared this post with a friend of mine whose 13 yr old daughter has come to her stating she believes she’s a boy. She found this personal journey extremely beneficial to read, but is left wondering:
What was it that got your daughter to ultimately desist for good? Was it therapy? Thank you in advance for providing this info if you are able.
To the author of this essay: how wonderful you are!! And, there is so much that will be great in your future. Keep writing! It is a gift to all who read your words.
Thank you for so eloquently describing your experience. When I was involuntarily dropped into this nightmare by my then 14yo son, I was caught completely off-guard, and affirmed too quickly. Once I took 5 minutes to really question what was going on, it became glaringly obvious, especially since so many of the stories were identical to ours. I suspect you speak for myriad young people who had nearly identical experiences. If half of them were as brave as you and would speak up and tell their desistance stories, I believe this would end. Detransitioners are organizing, providing each other with support and guidance, and the ability to present as a unified force with a significant voice. Desisters have much to add to this moment and need the same.
You were and are a one-of-a-kind person. You aren't like all the other "stereotypical" girls and that alone should be celebrated. Great new ideas/inventions/art/music, etc... very often come from those that don't group think/act. The outsider is often the one that brings about change. I'd wear that uniqueness as a badge of honor!
I 100% understand that developing children often times just want to fit in. But, almost all developing girls feel awkward, self conscious, feel self doubt, etc.. It is the human condition to view someone else as having an easier time of "x". But, that's just not true. Not as a teen and not as an adult. For example, one of the most popular boys in middle school still urinated in his bed at night. But, no one saw or heard about that. He only appeared to have it "easy".
Please, I beg of you, don't hate yourself anymore. The world needs more unique people like you. It takes practice to stand on your own, but the more you do it - the stronger you will be. I know of what I speak.
I can't wait to see what you bring to this world. Much respect to you.
First of all, thank you so much for sharing this story from your daughter! The world needs to hear the experiences of those who have "been there" and I am thankful that you encouraged her to write her story to help others. Secondly, thank you for loving her so much that you would not affirm nor allow her to begin puberty blockers. You should be extremely proud as her parents in making that tough call. I know other parents have done the same with their children but with different results and what an absolutely heart break that is for them. Schools, Drs and so called therapists are to blame!!! I don't know you or your daughter but I am thankful to God that you all have been saved from this evil. Thank you again for sharing her story!
I really, really appreciate this post. To me, the posts from desisted or detransitioned people are so valuable because I know we (as a society) have gone wrong in treating kids with dysphoria as if they all represent the identical cookie-cutter problem and solution. No. There are a lot of different causes here.
This problem of hating one’s developing body, or feeling awkward, or feeling outcast -- that could be _millions_ of otherwise healthy adolescents’ stories. And even though “gender” has become the current idiom of distress into which these symptoms are perceived to fit (in the 21st century west), meaning that teens genuinely experience gender dysphoria and sincerely believe that their problems are a “gender issue,” so many of them have common challenges and issues that are not -- at the root, anyway -- related to gender at all. In many cases, in earlier generations these feelings and problems would be considered part of normal (at times very difficulty and painful) adolescence.
That’s why if you ask a bunch of middle-aged adults if they’d like to relive their teens, you will get a resounding NO, even though we all had our health and energy and good looks back then (not to mention more free time). You couldn’t pay us to relive those years.
We need to acknowledge: being a teen is really hard. It’s a developmental struggle that we all have been through and some of us remember that clearly.
I think we (meaning society: medical providers, mental health providers, schools, families, neighbors) need to reframe teen difficulties as serious but normal. No one is “in the wrong body” -- that’s just taking people on a wrong turn, so they can’t face the issues of growing up and self-discovery and self-acceptance that we all need to go through to become healthy adults.
Indeed, if you’ll notice, some long-transitioned people seem to _remain_ in a state of perpetual stormy unstable adolescence. It’s sad to see someone in their mid or late twenties (in some cases even older) acting like a teenager. It’s fine for teens to act like teens. But we all need to develop some maturity through lived experiences and struggles. I wouldn’t wish being stuck in that developmental stage on my worst enemy.
We need to do better for our kids. Posts like this really help give us clues and tools how we can be doing better.
Thank you for being brave enough to write this. I will share it with my 16 year old daughter who fell into this trans nightmare. A typical story of a happy and beautiful girl who was hit by puberty and bombarded by gender ideology at school and online. She is smart and I can't even understand how she can't see that the trans path is nothing but misery.
Bravissima! Thank you for taking the time to write it all down. I am so glad that you stopped in time. Minecraft and anime' were part of my daughter's story too. I only wish I could share your story with my her, but I am sure she would delete it immediately as confirmation of my transphobia . . .
Thank you so much for sharing. I see tremendous similarities in my daughter. I just wish I could get her to listen to reason.
It’s virtually impossible to find a non-affirming therapist without a tremendously long waitlist.
Wishing you all the best.
As the song says, “You are perfectly Loved” Don’t ever forget that.
Your article is very important because it contains the truth. Young people need to hear the truth. “Gender ideology tells us lies. It tells us we can be a man, when transition will only ever go as far as to being able to resemble a cis man.” Thank you for being brave enough and caring enough to tell your story. I wish you the best in the years to come.
As a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) I'd say Gender Dysphoria has become a form of targeted self hate. Diffuse discomfort with oneself and outright self hate (which you say you felt) find a "designated issue" in Gender. That's why ASD and Foster youth and kids with PTSD have such high percent TG identified. Our psychiatric and medical communities have very little skill when it comes to intense self state problems like dissociation and self hate. These are right brain issues, tending to correlate with the developmental years, and CBT (a left brain therapy) does not touch them. Neurofeedback, Somatic Psychotherapy and other right brain focused modalities are the way to get at these issues. The very kids who need to learn/feel "I'm okay how I am" are being told "you're right, you need drastic changes to be ok." It's tragic.
Beautifully done! You even had citations and everything. I am glad your depression seems to be better as well. Self-loathing is such an awful feeling, and you are exactly right to point out self-hating young girls are being offered deceptively easy fixes. What a nightmare this has all become. Best of luck to you and keep writing!
I'm so sorry for what you and your family went through. I do hope that things are looking a little lighter now and that you can connect with interests and people that build your self esteem and take you in more positive directions. Thank you for sharing your story. It will make a difference to many readers.
I shared this post with a friend of mine whose 13 yr old daughter has come to her stating she believes she’s a boy. She found this personal journey extremely beneficial to read, but is left wondering:
What was it that got your daughter to ultimately desist for good? Was it therapy? Thank you in advance for providing this info if you are able.
To the author of this essay: how wonderful you are!! And, there is so much that will be great in your future. Keep writing! It is a gift to all who read your words.
Bravo! Thanks for taking the time to tell your story.
Thank you for so eloquently describing your experience. When I was involuntarily dropped into this nightmare by my then 14yo son, I was caught completely off-guard, and affirmed too quickly. Once I took 5 minutes to really question what was going on, it became glaringly obvious, especially since so many of the stories were identical to ours. I suspect you speak for myriad young people who had nearly identical experiences. If half of them were as brave as you and would speak up and tell their desistance stories, I believe this would end. Detransitioners are organizing, providing each other with support and guidance, and the ability to present as a unified force with a significant voice. Desisters have much to add to this moment and need the same.
You were and are a one-of-a-kind person. You aren't like all the other "stereotypical" girls and that alone should be celebrated. Great new ideas/inventions/art/music, etc... very often come from those that don't group think/act. The outsider is often the one that brings about change. I'd wear that uniqueness as a badge of honor!
I 100% understand that developing children often times just want to fit in. But, almost all developing girls feel awkward, self conscious, feel self doubt, etc.. It is the human condition to view someone else as having an easier time of "x". But, that's just not true. Not as a teen and not as an adult. For example, one of the most popular boys in middle school still urinated in his bed at night. But, no one saw or heard about that. He only appeared to have it "easy".
Please, I beg of you, don't hate yourself anymore. The world needs more unique people like you. It takes practice to stand on your own, but the more you do it - the stronger you will be. I know of what I speak.
I can't wait to see what you bring to this world. Much respect to you.
First of all, thank you so much for sharing this story from your daughter! The world needs to hear the experiences of those who have "been there" and I am thankful that you encouraged her to write her story to help others. Secondly, thank you for loving her so much that you would not affirm nor allow her to begin puberty blockers. You should be extremely proud as her parents in making that tough call. I know other parents have done the same with their children but with different results and what an absolutely heart break that is for them. Schools, Drs and so called therapists are to blame!!! I don't know you or your daughter but I am thankful to God that you all have been saved from this evil. Thank you again for sharing her story!
I really, really appreciate this post. To me, the posts from desisted or detransitioned people are so valuable because I know we (as a society) have gone wrong in treating kids with dysphoria as if they all represent the identical cookie-cutter problem and solution. No. There are a lot of different causes here.
This problem of hating one’s developing body, or feeling awkward, or feeling outcast -- that could be _millions_ of otherwise healthy adolescents’ stories. And even though “gender” has become the current idiom of distress into which these symptoms are perceived to fit (in the 21st century west), meaning that teens genuinely experience gender dysphoria and sincerely believe that their problems are a “gender issue,” so many of them have common challenges and issues that are not -- at the root, anyway -- related to gender at all. In many cases, in earlier generations these feelings and problems would be considered part of normal (at times very difficulty and painful) adolescence.
That’s why if you ask a bunch of middle-aged adults if they’d like to relive their teens, you will get a resounding NO, even though we all had our health and energy and good looks back then (not to mention more free time). You couldn’t pay us to relive those years.
We need to acknowledge: being a teen is really hard. It’s a developmental struggle that we all have been through and some of us remember that clearly.
I think we (meaning society: medical providers, mental health providers, schools, families, neighbors) need to reframe teen difficulties as serious but normal. No one is “in the wrong body” -- that’s just taking people on a wrong turn, so they can’t face the issues of growing up and self-discovery and self-acceptance that we all need to go through to become healthy adults.
Indeed, if you’ll notice, some long-transitioned people seem to _remain_ in a state of perpetual stormy unstable adolescence. It’s sad to see someone in their mid or late twenties (in some cases even older) acting like a teenager. It’s fine for teens to act like teens. But we all need to develop some maturity through lived experiences and struggles. I wouldn’t wish being stuck in that developmental stage on my worst enemy.
We need to do better for our kids. Posts like this really help give us clues and tools how we can be doing better.
Thank you!
Other than anime this sounds like my daughter. She hasn’t desisted yet but is starting to do things because she wants to and figure out who she is.
Thank you for being brave enough to write this. I will share it with my 16 year old daughter who fell into this trans nightmare. A typical story of a happy and beautiful girl who was hit by puberty and bombarded by gender ideology at school and online. She is smart and I can't even understand how she can't see that the trans path is nothing but misery.
Bravissima! Thank you for taking the time to write it all down. I am so glad that you stopped in time. Minecraft and anime' were part of my daughter's story too. I only wish I could share your story with my her, but I am sure she would delete it immediately as confirmation of my transphobia . . .