Traumatized
Traumatized
The Oxford Dictionary defines trauma as:
trau·ma
/ˈtrômə/
noun
noun: trauma; plural noun: traumata; plural noun: traumas
1. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.
"a personal trauma like the death of a child"
o emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis.
"the event is relived with all the accompanying trauma" (Oxford Dictionary)
When my son was 28 years old, he came out as transgender. He read from a script no doubt provided to him by those who had been validating him for six years. He was already on hormones and disclosed his plans for all the surgeries available to MtFs.
I told him, just a year ago when he was 30, that I am traumatized by the things he wants to do to his body. He didn’t understand; how could he? He has been in the throes of an empty promise of happiness, falsely believing that he will be a happier, better person once his body is savagely, irreversibly altered.
I began to think about trauma. The definition above fits. Well, mostly.
Most people who have experienced some form of trauma seek therapy when the shock manifests in physical and emotional ways. They often seek therapy for their PTSD and find their way back to handling the after-effects in their daily lives.
I don’t have PTSD. There is no “post-trauma” here. It is an ongoing, relentless barrage of trauma which only gets relieved at night when I can sleep. And sometimes, not even then.
But I awaken every morning, to face another day of trauma. Another day of knowing my son is another day closer to the barbarism of surgery which will forever change his already-drug-addicted, altered body. Another day closer to a lifetime of maintenance, possible risks, side-effects, and (more than likely) no happier than before going under the surgeon’s knife. And the added terror of what can happen afterward. After he realizes the processes have not brought him the anticipated peace of mind. The statistics are overwhelming.
I awaken every morning flooded by emotions of dread and sadness, knowing my son has plans that I believe he has not researched from “the other side.” Stubborn from Day 1, he holds onto his own ideas without the flexibility of addressing the “what-ifs” of his planned actions.
I awaken every morning, just wanting to close my eyes and find sleep again. But, as the night before, sleep does not come easily. I lie awake with every tumultuous thought in my head drowning out any semblance or hope of peacefulness.
I awaken every morning utterly consumed by my son’s life and the path he is on.
I spend my days seeking even more information, testimonials, research, and support than I had the day before... and the day before that one. I cry daily; tears threaten constantly.
My son has already wiped out any chance of a normal life. After four years on wrong-sex hormones, his fertility is gone, his body is changed, and the risks of all the side-effects and diseases to which he is genetically predisposed are higher than had he not gone down this road.
The therapy I sought (and ended) did not alleviate my trauma; the therapist consistently pushed me to use the wrong pronouns and the wrong name for my child. If I was to be whole, I needed someone to help me through the trauma.
But there is no way through. I do not have the luxury of seeking treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder.
No, this trauma will never end. The excruciating pain of helplessly watching my son harm himself, with no awareness or concern for what he is doing in the long run, will be a constant companion.
Perhaps I should seek therapists who specialize in (P)TSD. Does such a thing exist?
Very sad! Gender ideation is ruining more than thousands of young people and their families. Gender affirming care is a crime not a health care. Many parents think transgender will not happen to their kids and keep quiet. However, this is like flu, spread very quickly. Did you know there is 4000 times increased number of children declared as trans in the past 10 years! Speak up! Say no to schools’ sexuality education!
Well said! That is the very definition of life in these times for people who sees and thinks about what is going on all around. Sometimes I think that it was happening to me I couldn't deal with such an experience and I would kidnapped my son and take it to an isolate place and have him in a room until the madness ends or redirects to the madness that to be kidnapped for your Mom or parents can produce you, I chose the last one. Of thinking alone in the extremism of castration and another surgeries to became a bad copy of a woman that he would never be is more than traumatic but there aren't enough words to describe what do we live at the moment. It is not your son, it is the society and the times we are living in. We used to recurse to drugs now the youth prefer something more drastic, like a cry of hopelessness. They don't teach philosophy any longer in HS where the purpose of life could be debated and concluded that life had a purpose, less of all talk about a Creator and how we are sacred and our bodies are sacred. All the pillars that used to hold civilization together have been destroyed in the last one hundred years and we have been left with nothing, ziths, only illusions and dreams of becoming something else but that is a solution that comes from the outside, from a world that is broken, we all are. Look for help? Good luck, few therapists would speak the truth because the truth is a sacrilege nowadays, still we have Dr Myriam Grossman, our advocate but look for her in Wikipedia, not that we should relay in WP for real info, but in the description of her you can see why doctors are afraid to speak out, where is their bone? They are cowards, they shut their mouths knowing that people cannot change their nature, theirs biology, and men are not God, we cannot change anything that was a given and if we try, there are consequences, nature will prevail. We must fasten our seat-bells when all this get to the logical conclusion. Continue speaking up, the good news are that more and more people are getting aware of the horrors of this savagery that is transgenderism, more destructive that nihilism or lack of love because at the end is about lack of love for themselves and for the people who love them, the narcissistic ideal. WElcome to the club TET, the eternal traumatized . And that is where we need to be at the moment, that means you understand what it is at stake, don't give up, you are alive!