After an extremely complicated pregnancy, I gave birth to my twin girls at 24 weeks. One of my twins weighed 1 lbs. 1 oz. and the other weighed 1 lbs. 10 oz. They spent 141 days in a neonatal intensive care unit. They both had heart surgeries, multiple eye surgeries, hernia repair, and a host of other medical procedures. Both were on ventilators for more than two months.
During the first five years of their lives, my husband and I took them to various pulmonologists, retina specialists, feeding specialists and developmental therapists. Sometimes we drove over an hour to get to these various hospitals and clinics. It was not unusual for our daughters to be re-hospitalized during the first two years, even for a simple cold.
The outcome for one of my twins was blindness, cognitive impairment and a seizure disorder. The other, a true miracle. She is healthy and intelligent. Excellent grades, no physical disabilities or any ongoing medical needs in spite of her premature birth. This makes it even harder for me to accept the fact that she wants to medically transition from female to male. Why would someone who literally beat all medical odds want to risk their physical health with cross sex hormones?
My husband and I were supportive early on when she came out as gay around age 13. She wanted to start wearing boys clothing at 14. Then it progressed to wanting shorter and shorter hair. Then came the he/him pronouns at age 16 and the desire to join boy’s sports. We tried to point out to her that none of the previous changes helped her find happiness. We found three different therapists for her but she stopped attending sessions. We tried to explain that she needed to figure out why she was so unhappy with her body. Changes like clothing and hair provided only a temporary high, not permanent happiness or comfort with herself.
Convinced that she needed to take the next steps, she urged us to let her go to a gender clinic. I wanted to discuss the side effects of cross sex hormones with her pediatrician. When I started the conversation at a routine physical (age 17), the doctor immediately asked my child what pronouns she preferred. After my daughter stated “he, him” the doctor frantically typed something into the laptop. I imagine that this is now a part of my daughter’s medical history. The doctors immediately told us that she would get a referral to a gender clinic. I again started asking about side effects of medical transition. The doctor stated that the clinicians were the ones to answer those questions and that we needed to go to the clinic to find out. She refused to discuss any of my concerns.
Everything I have read about gender clinics scares me. The fact that I won’t be part of the conversation. The fact that they might just take my daughter’s word as evidence that she is ready for medical transition. I fear that once she walks through the doors of the gender clinic, she becomes a patient. I fear that there will be no going back. So I refused.
Now, one year later, my daughter is 18 years old. This same doctor has now blocked me and my husband from any communication. The two people in the world who love her the most. The two people in the world who spent countless hours at hospitals and doctor’s offices advocating for her care, are deemed to be the enemy. We are no longer allowed access to her medical information. I wasn’t even allowed to get a copy of her physical, which I needed in order to get her registered for the new school year.
Every year we get closer and closer to a point where our daughter is going to do what she wants to do. We have run out of time. Now she is old enough to go where she wants to get “medical” treatment. Each year that went by from 13 until now, we thought we had time on our side. That eventually she would change her mind. A passing phase, just like the dozens of hobbies she tried and gave up on. Sports she showed interest in but then quit. Musical instruments she had to have but then stopped playing. She is trying to find out who she is. I can’t convince her that she is a miracle. She is enough. She is perfect the way she is.
What a poignant story. That you have one daughter who requires so much medical care as a result of the earlier complications, and one who emerged healthy but now wants to voluntarily relegate herself to being a lifetime medical patient - even while seeing her twin sister not have an easy life - I have no words. I am so sorry.
I was in the same position as you about 2.5 years ago. My daughter's path was very similar to your daughter's, everything started at age 13. Sadly she began transitioning behind our backs during her second year at college, despite us telling her that if she did so, we would no longer pay for her schooling. We eventually had to pull that funding and she got a taste of the real world, before offering to go off T for the last two years of her schooling. We are taking her at her word, but I fear that 18 months of wrong sex hormones has likely taken some toll - at the very least, her voice. I also fear she is lying to us and still on T. This is a girl who has the world at her feet if she chooses to. I say all this as a cautionary tale for you. If your daughter is planning to go to college, know that she will be uplifted and pushed and supported at every turn. She will have a team of people guiding her every step of the way. If it's a progressive school, she'll have the option of being placed in the "pride" community or residence hall to live around people who affirm her delusion. She will attend classes that push critical theory. She will have access and opportunity to do all the things you have been protecting her from. I will pray for your family. This is the scariest time in the journey, because you're losing most of the control you have.
I’m not sure what your financial situation is with your daughter or what her plans for college are but my husband and I did play the money card with our daughter. We are helping finance her college, we provide her with her car, her phone and some of her spending money. We basically told her that we are not paying for her to go to college and permanently alter her body. It seems to be working for now and we have bought ourselves some time.