Wait and Watch

So, my son, it appears we’ve reached a bit of an “elephant in the room”, “agree to disagree” situation. Trans doesn’t come up much anymore. There’s no arguing about names and pronouns. You turned 18 months ago and there’s been no sudden moving out or cutting off contact. We’ve just stopped battling each other.

I continue to try dropping little seeds where I can - watch cult shows and point out parallels (without saying they are parallels). We chat about health and how important it is, how cancer runs in both sides of the family and how hormones could impact that. We have discussions sometimes, around the topic. Like how coming out gay shouldn’t be a big deal. I agree. We talk about behavior expectations and I say how my expectations for anyone are the same - I don’t think anyone should be on TikTok talking about their genitals. Doesn’t matter if they’re gay, straight, trans or whatever.

I try to connect - chat about your day, discuss the future, tell you I love you lots. You’re 18 and I still go downstairs to say goodnight and give you a kiss on the top of your head.

I watch and I wait - I still look for little signs. I make a list:

Desistance:

• A hair cut

• Wearing jeans

• Heading to post-secondary school

• Talking about cars

• Patient and friendly at home

Not-desistance:

• Still carrying the stuffed shark around

• Pronoun page on discord

• “Friends” still calling you your “chosen name”

I wait and I watch and I wait. I pray. I’ll always be here. Maybe desistance comes slowly and with maturity? Please let it be so.