Wait and Watch
So, my son, it appears we’ve reached a bit of an “elephant in the room”, “agree to disagree” situation. Trans doesn’t come up much anymore. There’s no arguing about names and pronouns. You turned 18 months ago and there’s been no sudden moving out or cutting off contact. We’ve just stopped battling each other.
I continue to try dropping little seeds where I can - watch cult shows and point out parallels (without saying they are parallels). We chat about health and how important it is, how cancer runs in both sides of the family and how hormones could impact that. We have discussions sometimes, around the topic. Like how coming out gay shouldn’t be a big deal. I agree. We talk about behavior expectations and I say how my expectations for anyone are the same - I don’t think anyone should be on TikTok talking about their genitals. Doesn’t matter if they’re gay, straight, trans or whatever.
I try to connect - chat about your day, discuss the future, tell you I love you lots. You’re 18 and I still go downstairs to say goodnight and give you a kiss on the top of your head.
I watch and I wait - I still look for little signs. I make a list:
Desistance:
A hair cut
Wearing jeans
Heading to post-secondary school
Talking about cars
Patient and friendly at home
Not-desistance:
Still carrying the stuffed shark around
Pronoun page on discord
“Friends” still calling you your “chosen name”
I wait and I watch and I wait. I pray. I’ll always be here. Maybe desistance comes slowly and with maturity? Please let it be so.
It's even harder when the elephant is very active. My 18-year-old daughter is taking hormones and has legally changed her name and there is not a damned thing I can do about it. She lives here and attends college, which she is enjoying. We still connect like before, watching movies or tv shows, listening to music, walking outside, eating food we like, joking, but there is always an elephant between us. It's so big and clumsy that it occasionally painfully steps on my feet when I walk with her, or on my chest when I lay down on the couch near her. It's very strange pretending all is normal and fine when she is anything but normal and fine. NO HEALTHY TEENAGE GIRL SHOULD BE TAKING TESTOSTERONE OR PRETENDING SHE IS MALE. It simply should not be happening. But I have to live with it, and see what becomes of all of this. What a strange life this has become!
Also in the same boat, watching and waiting with our son. We don’t talk about the gender elephant in the room. He’s 21 and my list of desistance and not-desistance is similar to yours. He’s left home for university so we can’t be sure what he’s doing but he hasn’t joined the LGBT society and none of his friends are trans as far as we know.
We’re holding our breath, keeping him close and crossing our fingers.