We Scream in Silence
Sometime AM. Idk. For once, I have placed my phone out of reach for the night. I know it isn’t morning yet, my window tells me that. It is pitch black and there is silence.
Silence outside that is. But not inside my head. Torturous thoughts reciting the mantras — ‘this too shall pass’, compartmentalize, breathe deeply, relax.
It works a bit, but the grief is deep. I’m a mom after all.
Soon, it will be five years since I last saw my son. What will we look back on? What will we say was the reason I lost my family? It will be because I believe there is no such thing as trans. That’s it. Would someone from another planet believe it..because at this point, we may as well bring aliens into the picture.
Thanksgiving was empty. If I care, I grieve, I weep. If I don’t care I survive but there’s no meaning. Just numbness. Going through the motions. That’s how it is. Even after all these years, another round of empty holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. All the occasions that used to be celebrations.
We deserve to enjoy ourselves, yes. But the alarm bells can’t be silenced and they shouldn’t be. We know the truth. This is all so wrong.
Yes. I'm in the same boat exactly. I'm fed up with ideas about how to get over or come to terms with it or just enjoy the good things in my life etc etc. I can't. I want my son. That's all. Instead of helping him get out of his distress the "health care" system is destroying him. And me. This time of the year is the worst. It's all just a performance.
This part is relateable to me too: "Thanksgiving was empty. If I care, I grieve, I weep. If I don’t care I survive but there’s no meaning. Just numbness. Going through the motions. That’s how it is. Even after all these years, another round of empty holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. All the occasions that used to be celebrations."