Wishing I Was Numb
Is it even possible to stop loving one’s child? Is that what has happened to me now? From the depths of a sadness I have never felt before, not even after I lost my father and lost myself for many years. Now I just feel numb.
These last 18 months have been the worst grief. Even more than the last five years when she mentally spiraled down into depression. As she has been pulled into thinking her life would be so much better if the world saw her “as a guy”, she has pulled our family apart. Her younger brother who has always adored her (she used to dress him up in her princess and fairy dresses for fun) screams at his parents to call her his brother. He tells us we are mean people because we don’t affirm her. He drives her to pick up testosterone when she is home from college. I let them walk all over me because I can’t stand more tension. I just let them do it because I cannot feel anymore.
Have I turned off as a coping mechanism because I get punched in the heart when I look at her once beautiful face and see stubble?
Have I turned off as a coping mechanism because when I look at her, I just want to scream?
Have I dissociated from the pain just so I can get through one more day of this misery?
I am writing this on Thanksgiving morning, not really feeling that grateful. Seems I’m just trying to get through another day. I can’t look at her, it hurts too much.
Damn. I can still feel.