You Are Not Alone

You, Mama, are not alone

Yesterday, one of my wonderful cousins who I get to see only a few times a year, told me how fun it was to see my son too at a niece’s wedding we all attended in October.

“OH, YES, I loved it,” I replied. ”That was the first time I got to see him, the first time I got to hug him, the first time I got to tell him I loved him, in three years.” My cousin looked surprised, “Really???”

”Yep, sadly, he and the girls (our two daughters) removed themselves from our lives three years ago.”

My cousin put his hand over his heart and said, “Oh boy, that hurts”. I saw a trace of tears in his eyes.

He’s a few years older than me, married for 40 years now, and doesn’t have kids.

I told him how these three incredibly wonderful children of ours embraced views that judge us and their upbringing and our parenting as wanting ....it’s racist, white privileged, toxic, binary, fundamentalist, patriarchal, transphobic, colonialist, homophobic, traumatic, etc. Our son said all this to me at one of our last coffee dates, on behalf of him and his sisters. Then they all disappeared from our lives.

He expressed their dissatisfaction with our shortcomings as parents and whatever else, and that was that. No goodbyes. No “We don’t want to see you again.” Just ghosting - no returned texts, no phone calls, no visits no contact. Just emptiness where there had long been love. (No, there wasn’t perfection, because there is no such thing, but there was love, and lots of it!)

I have continued to occasionally send “Happy birthday, I love you” or Merry Christmas, Happy Easter, etc. messages with no replies. Just nothing.

My husband and I were not perfect parents, I admitted to my cousin, and never along the way did I even think that was a possibility. And yes, we made mistakes we are aware of and surely plenty we weren’t aware of, too. Yet, we daily loved our children deeply, raising them in the way that we thought was best for “our little family,” doing things we thought were important, living out the things that we believed in the best way we could.

“I had no idea,” said my cousin. “When I saw you hug your son, I had no idea.”

We just happened to see our son at this wedding because he has a wedding related occupation and was invited along with us. It wasn’t intentionally planned by him that we would get to see one another. When I saw my son, we walked toward each other, and it was like no time had passed, as if nothing had changed. I hugged him and he didn’t let go. And I didn’t let go. I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me. He still didn’t let go and so I didn’t let go either (you can be sure I wasn’t going to be the first one to let go!!!). I told him I could hug him forever. He said, “Yeah.” It was beautiful. And wonderful. And filled my heart to overflowing.

My cousin said, “Yep, I saw and heard all that because I was standing right next to you and I had no idea.” And again, he put his hand on his heart... “that hurts.”

Well, I replied to my cousin, that hug is going to last me as long as it needs to. It’s going to last me till I hopefully get to see my boy and hug him again someday!!!

I will continue to hope their hearts find their way back to God, who loves them so much, and to us their parents, and to their extended family and many friends and loved ones who care so much for them too. I will continue to speak of my children. I will continue to remember the good, the beautiful and the precious of our lives. I will continue to hope and pray that my children come to the understanding that they don’t have to be or do anything in particular to be welcomed, wanted and loved by me.

Yes, I will weep sometimes too. And yes, I do and will mourn from time to time. My heart will continue to yearn for these three precious children who spent so many, many years as part of our lives. My heart will always want them as part of my life.