You look great, hon
"I am not your son"
Then what are you, hon?
You were gone for so long
It has been two years,
since I last visited you, in that land among
the people filled with fears.
I hid my tears, when I saw you.
E and "she" were coursing through
your veins and brains. Worst than my greatest fears.
Your face, grotesque.
Your voice, straining to sound human.
It does not.
My beloved son, with a face only a mother could love.
A face that despite its newfound horror, I cannot help but love.
You asked me how you looked.
You look great, hon.
Some would say that is a lie.
It is not, I cannot help but love my son.
Someone needs to tell you, but I cannot!
Because to me, hon, you look great, hon.
You were told that the hormones would feminize you.
They do not, hon.
But still, hon, they hurt you.
You cried to me one night, hugging your stuffed shark,
and all I could say, was
You look great, hon.
I love you, hon.
You will always be my hon.
I cannot call you your death-name,
you will not let me call you your murdered-name.
So I can only call you hon.
You are my hon, who I love more than anyone
can know.
And though the hormones have already ruined you,
you look great, hon.
You look great, hon.
Come home soon, hon.
I miss you, hon.
I will always welcome you back, hon.
You look great, hon.
I sat down earlier this week with my daughter who is ftm taking testosterone. I asked if I could just speak openly without her getting mad at my words. She agreed. I told her that I am afraid for her. She scrunched up her face and asked why. I told her that I have researched so much about females taking testosterone and all of the potential problems. I told her that she was killing her ovaries and uterus, that essentially she was throwing herself into menopause at the age of 18. She looked surprised, obviously no one had told her that would happen. I told her that I was afraid she was harming her beautiful body and one day she might regret it. She told me that would be her problem to live with then. I agreed with her, it would be her life to live not mine. But as her mother, an intelligent person who loved her more than anyone else, I was afraid for her. I asked if there was possibly another way. She wasn't sure. I told her that she needed to accept and love herself first before she started to make permanent changes. I asked that we keep the lines of communication open between us to talk freely with no judgement. She agreed. I asked that when she was ready to speak to me about how this all came about, I was ready to listen without interruption. She shook her head in agreement, but didn't commit to when that might happen. I gave her a hug and told her I loved her. We can not give up trying to get through to them. Maybe she will ponder on my words and they may enter doubt into her mind.
OH MY GOD, i'm cryiing as I read this. So much tragedy. So much loss. So much to look forward to just gone. This is my exact story. and no, he doesn't look great. and no, he doesn't pass even though he now proclaims he 100% passes. Everyone tells him so. They all call him she/her. They even cat call him at Walmart. Who would do that unless they are seeing a stunning and brave female? mom why can 't you call me my new name? mom it would mean so much to me. mom all the studies you give me to read about the ill effects of E on my male body are bull shit. they've all been done by activists' mom. Don't you know you're wrong and I'm right? by the way mom my girlfriend will be moving in with me. she has no job (and is male) and we are lesbians. omg I cry and cry and try to compartmentalize and enjoy my trip to Europe and enjoy my new grandson. and I try to be a good mom to my other two adult children, and I cry and cry