I have a trans identifying teen (FtM) age 13 it's been 3 years about. I'm an avid fan of Jesse Singal and his work and believe the default 'gender affirming care' model is wrong and unsupported by science. I have refused to entertain puberty blockers or anything else. But I did initially embrace the social transition so I refer to my child as my son and use his chosen male name. I honor that request because I said I would and can't see the point of dying on that hill.
One thing I have challenged my child on and refused to use their language is in the idea of the 'dead name.'. I don't like it because literally no one died, and I don't support language implying one killed off part of oneself. Me and mom are divorced. I don't call her my 'dead wife.'. So when I talk about my child birth name I call it his X name.
Again I'm anti GA care, and empathize with pain of parents here. I am scared my child might ultimately choose that medically route.
And it seems that parents are buying into their childs inaccurate language: the child (whatever age) declares their old name is their 'dead name' and the parents talk as if their child pre trans is actually dead.
Why buy in to this?
My eldest son cis used to be a really talented performer in theater.... He gave that up and plays brass now. I miss those theater days, but he didn't die, no more than I died when I got divorced.sometimes miss a functioning nuclear family.
Please please please understand that I'm not equating the madness of surgeries, unnecessary hormonal interventions, etc. with changing from performing theatre to playing the French horn.
I'm strictly staying the fact that your child in literal fact did not die, and by using language like that you seem to empower the madness of GAC ideology
I feel this for my oldest (my first-born, my son) and for my youngest (my baby, my daughter). Add betrayal by the first who groomed the latter behind our backs; and betrayal by the youngest, who relayed our grief to the older as bigotry.
There are already so many comments here which state my first thoughts of "I cried hard reading this"... "me too"... "that's exactly how I feel"... "nobody else understands"... "I am comforted with this group"... "I have faith or else I could not live thru this"... etc.
I also want to thank the person who wrote/ linked the article about trans parents grieving and the psychological analysis (link to X)... it has so much truth! Personally, I can ONLY survive this GRIEF through God!
One thing that really bothers me is that I cannot share this post or that "grief" article with my family or coworkers or friends to explain to them how much this hurts me as a "mama" because I know they'll either say I shouldnt be commiserating with other unknown broken grieving parents (that this is all overdramatic and depressing and bad for me), or else they will be offended because they say "live and let live" and "this saves lives" and other such stupid things. Nobody not in this situation (and especially being a mom losing her only daughter to this, or maybe a father losing his only son to this) has any idea of the ripping heart pain we feel. All these articles both comfort and also totally break my heart because they state EXACTLY how I feel when nobody else around me can comprehend it. But this "daughter-shaped space" article really put me into a "crying jag" (ans every time I reread it!) because it puts into words EXACTLY how this feels for me as a "mama" (what she called me) and I NEED/ want to cry out this pain, to "mourn".
Thank you. And God help us...
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be COMFORTED." Matthew 5:4
This is my story as well as a PITT, this is a beautifully written share.
This past Sunday we were at Church, and one of the young girls who my daughter grew up with and called a friend was taking the offertory with her boyfriend or husband. This young girl has 2 other sisters and I know at least one of them like everyone else encouraged my daughter to be her true self which means of course take testosterone grow a beard and lop off healthy breasts. Which one I don't know, probably all of them. A deep crushing sense filled me and I just watched her joyfully come around for the offertory. A voice inside told me that I did not know everything, to what extent nor how this old friend feels now about it all. The crushing feeling passed but it still hurts, still hurts right now.
Where and when does this living a lie end? We all know it will not end well. Continue blazing this new path to hell taking everyone around you or desist and rise from the ashes. As parents we wait patiently hoping for the chance to put humpty dumpty back together again, this is our hope. We hope to see our child rise from the ashes reborn anew.
But we are stuck like this quote from Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov. “Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point where he does not discern any truth either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others. Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love, and having no love, he gives himself up to the passions and coarse pleasures, in order to occupy and amuse himself, and in his vices reaches complete bestiality, and it all comes from lying continually to others and to himself.”
Thanks for that quote. And I ponder the same. How is it that girl & family have it right. It’s such hypocrisy to me. It’s ok for your daughter to change sex, but there she is taking up the offertory, showing respect, doing all things traditional. Would they really go along with it if it were to enter their family? I’m not so sure. The moral superiority is exhausting
"And the gap, the space, the pain of who she isn’t anymore, fills me in completely and defines who I am no longer allowed to be." What a powerful sentence, in a powerful, moving and beautifully written piece. Thank you. In this space, at least, we are not alone.
This is the most moving and accurate story I have read in the 2 years I have lived this nightmare. Thank you for speaking through your fingers what my mouth has not known how to say. Hang tight as we all are trying to do through these painful holidays....wanting to make new memories with loved ones but with a dark pit of sadness in our hearts simultaneously.
I cannot even mention HER with the extended family... they don't care... "she is doing this to herself" is their attitude... this breaks my heart! And talking about her makes my husband sad/ mad. 🙏🙏🙏 God help us through Christmas...
I feel that pain. The loss. The dash of hope that she will return into the memory that I see in my heart. The empty place where few people can go without dripping tears into a bottomless pit of despair. My heart breaks for you, my daughter and her lost child, that runs between the facade and the truth. We hold onto hope that the darkness dissipates in the light of truth and love. 💔
" lost child, that runs between the facade and the truth."
Poetic description of the tragedy of a precious child out of reach from caring, loving parents and instead stuck in the terribble grip of others deluded and/or ghouls enabling this heinous destruction. My son, too, is out of reach. Utterly heartbreaking. Compassion to all sharing sorrow and justified rage on PITT, our vital voice of sanity amid this dark insanity.
Tears & grief to you, it’s an unimaginable place to be & I feel the same. It’s so horrible when you remember what they used to be like & so outstandingly unfathomable that they could think of us in the way they do. I never would’ve dreamed it could happen to me & my son we were so very close.
Chloe Cole is suing Kaiser Permanente of California for drugging and butchering her young body. And now Clementine Breen is suing Johanna Olson-Kennedy. (For more on detransitioner lawsuits, see: https://substack.com/home/post/p-146121482)
Just as Keira Bell sued the Tavistock Clinic in London.
The lawsuits are what will end this Trans Moral Panic. Not laws or overwhelming us all with brainwashing. But the lawsuits.
I can tell you that I felt the same kind of daily horror and grief and utter disbelief for the six years that my brother was in the Satanic Panic.
It did eventually end.
https://www.pittparents.com/p/moral-panics-of-our-time-the-satanic
I have a trans identifying teen (FtM) age 13 it's been 3 years about. I'm an avid fan of Jesse Singal and his work and believe the default 'gender affirming care' model is wrong and unsupported by science. I have refused to entertain puberty blockers or anything else. But I did initially embrace the social transition so I refer to my child as my son and use his chosen male name. I honor that request because I said I would and can't see the point of dying on that hill.
One thing I have challenged my child on and refused to use their language is in the idea of the 'dead name.'. I don't like it because literally no one died, and I don't support language implying one killed off part of oneself. Me and mom are divorced. I don't call her my 'dead wife.'. So when I talk about my child birth name I call it his X name.
Again I'm anti GA care, and empathize with pain of parents here. I am scared my child might ultimately choose that medically route.
And it seems that parents are buying into their childs inaccurate language: the child (whatever age) declares their old name is their 'dead name' and the parents talk as if their child pre trans is actually dead.
Why buy in to this?
My eldest son cis used to be a really talented performer in theater.... He gave that up and plays brass now. I miss those theater days, but he didn't die, no more than I died when I got divorced.sometimes miss a functioning nuclear family.
Please please please understand that I'm not equating the madness of surgeries, unnecessary hormonal interventions, etc. with changing from performing theatre to playing the French horn.
I'm strictly staying the fact that your child in literal fact did not die, and by using language like that you seem to empower the madness of GAC ideology
I feel this for my oldest (my first-born, my son) and for my youngest (my baby, my daughter). Add betrayal by the first who groomed the latter behind our backs; and betrayal by the youngest, who relayed our grief to the older as bigotry.
This is so much my experience as well, poignantly and sadly expressed. What a world we're living in.
There are already so many comments here which state my first thoughts of "I cried hard reading this"... "me too"... "that's exactly how I feel"... "nobody else understands"... "I am comforted with this group"... "I have faith or else I could not live thru this"... etc.
I also want to thank the person who wrote/ linked the article about trans parents grieving and the psychological analysis (link to X)... it has so much truth! Personally, I can ONLY survive this GRIEF through God!
One thing that really bothers me is that I cannot share this post or that "grief" article with my family or coworkers or friends to explain to them how much this hurts me as a "mama" because I know they'll either say I shouldnt be commiserating with other unknown broken grieving parents (that this is all overdramatic and depressing and bad for me), or else they will be offended because they say "live and let live" and "this saves lives" and other such stupid things. Nobody not in this situation (and especially being a mom losing her only daughter to this, or maybe a father losing his only son to this) has any idea of the ripping heart pain we feel. All these articles both comfort and also totally break my heart because they state EXACTLY how I feel when nobody else around me can comprehend it. But this "daughter-shaped space" article really put me into a "crying jag" (ans every time I reread it!) because it puts into words EXACTLY how this feels for me as a "mama" (what she called me) and I NEED/ want to cry out this pain, to "mourn".
Thank you. And God help us...
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be COMFORTED." Matthew 5:4
So beautifully written and expressed, your love and grief are tangible and touches my heart. I hope she comes back to you soon
This is my story as well as a PITT, this is a beautifully written share.
This past Sunday we were at Church, and one of the young girls who my daughter grew up with and called a friend was taking the offertory with her boyfriend or husband. This young girl has 2 other sisters and I know at least one of them like everyone else encouraged my daughter to be her true self which means of course take testosterone grow a beard and lop off healthy breasts. Which one I don't know, probably all of them. A deep crushing sense filled me and I just watched her joyfully come around for the offertory. A voice inside told me that I did not know everything, to what extent nor how this old friend feels now about it all. The crushing feeling passed but it still hurts, still hurts right now.
Where and when does this living a lie end? We all know it will not end well. Continue blazing this new path to hell taking everyone around you or desist and rise from the ashes. As parents we wait patiently hoping for the chance to put humpty dumpty back together again, this is our hope. We hope to see our child rise from the ashes reborn anew.
But we are stuck like this quote from Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov. “Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point where he does not discern any truth either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others. Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love, and having no love, he gives himself up to the passions and coarse pleasures, in order to occupy and amuse himself, and in his vices reaches complete bestiality, and it all comes from lying continually to others and to himself.”
I pray our children rise from these ashes, today.
Thanks for that quote. And I ponder the same. How is it that girl & family have it right. It’s such hypocrisy to me. It’s ok for your daughter to change sex, but there she is taking up the offertory, showing respect, doing all things traditional. Would they really go along with it if it were to enter their family? I’m not so sure. The moral superiority is exhausting
This melancholy, beautifully written, but oh so real.
"And the gap, the space, the pain of who she isn’t anymore, fills me in completely and defines who I am no longer allowed to be." What a powerful sentence, in a powerful, moving and beautifully written piece. Thank you. In this space, at least, we are not alone.
This is the most moving and accurate story I have read in the 2 years I have lived this nightmare. Thank you for speaking through your fingers what my mouth has not known how to say. Hang tight as we all are trying to do through these painful holidays....wanting to make new memories with loved ones but with a dark pit of sadness in our hearts simultaneously.
I cannot even mention HER with the extended family... they don't care... "she is doing this to herself" is their attitude... this breaks my heart! And talking about her makes my husband sad/ mad. 🙏🙏🙏 God help us through Christmas...
This piece is so beautifully written. I’m so sorry your daughter is not yet able to reach out to you.
I feel that pain. The loss. The dash of hope that she will return into the memory that I see in my heart. The empty place where few people can go without dripping tears into a bottomless pit of despair. My heart breaks for you, my daughter and her lost child, that runs between the facade and the truth. We hold onto hope that the darkness dissipates in the light of truth and love. 💔
" lost child, that runs between the facade and the truth."
Poetic description of the tragedy of a precious child out of reach from caring, loving parents and instead stuck in the terribble grip of others deluded and/or ghouls enabling this heinous destruction. My son, too, is out of reach. Utterly heartbreaking. Compassion to all sharing sorrow and justified rage on PITT, our vital voice of sanity amid this dark insanity.
I only have my son - no other children. I have the same issues as you with your daughter. After 8 years, I'm still lost.
Oh Dee, what a heartbreak. I am so so sorry. This is just wrong.
💔
Tears & grief to you, it’s an unimaginable place to be & I feel the same. It’s so horrible when you remember what they used to be like & so outstandingly unfathomable that they could think of us in the way they do. I never would’ve dreamed it could happen to me & my son we were so very close.
Same.100 times over.
Agree
💔
Also, I learned on X.com about many detransitioners who are sharing their experience. That's very inspiring.
Chloe Cole is suing Kaiser Permanente of California for drugging and butchering her young body. And now Clementine Breen is suing Johanna Olson-Kennedy. (For more on detransitioner lawsuits, see: https://substack.com/home/post/p-146121482)
Just as Keira Bell sued the Tavistock Clinic in London.
The lawsuits are what will end this Trans Moral Panic. Not laws or overwhelming us all with brainwashing. But the lawsuits.
I read the links. Are there more of the legal cases? Thank you!
Yes, only through court findings, these greedy cheaters will face the music, instead of their secret self celebration of gaslighting others.
Stop reading my heart, stop hearing my thoughts! You don't know me, yet you do....
What a poignant article ... I cried all the way through it 😢