Our daughter is 19. Her gender distress started around 13-15. In 2020, like most teenagers, she was confined to her room and her computer and her phone, and the ideas that had been planted in her GSA group in middle school had a chance to be fueled and stoked. Several of her female friends began to identify as different genders and go by different names. We knew at least 3 other minors (girls) who had already begun the medical path to transitioning.
My God. We listened to Stella O’Malley’s podcast. We read Abigail Shrier’s Irreversible Damage. We joined a support group of other non-affirming parents. We took her out of school and had her quit her job to get her away from all the well-intentioned but misguided people calling her by that ridiculous name and referring to her as a “he/him.”
We rededicated ourselves to Christ, who’s really been my only refuge in all of this.
She’s had boyfriends. I believe one of them thought he was gay and that she was his boyfriend. 🙄
Her current boyfriend is a really nice kid, a clean-cut preppy antithesis to the whole wanna-be androgynous punk rocker she’s got going on.
Now she’s 19. No longer our dependent. We will not fund this madness in ANY way. She’s still on our auto insurance but not for much longer. All other expenses (rent, bills, etc) she is solely responsible for.
We flew the nest instead; moved with our younger children to a much smaller town where this mania isn’t as in-your-face. We homeschool them, we closely monitor screen usage and there will be no cell phones, period.
She’s a gifted musician. Yesterday I was looking up musicians in our old city and I came across her profile on a music site.
Right under her gloomy-but-definitely-feminine profile pic she’s put down “19 year old male.”
Ugh, another punch in the gut.
I continue to pray for her. We met up with her at a family reunion and I hate to say it, but it’s so embarrassing when she shows up in her binder, men’s clothing (geez, is she packing her jeans??) cropped hair and fake swagger.
I am so disappointed. My daughter, the beautiful, wildly intelligent, gifted artist and musician is hiding behind this sick fake persona.
I still battle with guilt about how I’ve modeled toxic femininity throughout her life. I’ve had to look at my own pettiness, superficiality, jealousy, wishy-washiness, passivity, comparisons, perfectionism, refusal to be direct. The ways I may have made motherhood look like a chore and not a joy. People say, “don’t be so hard on yourself,” but as mothers we owe it to ourselves and our children to honestly assess how we parent and the messages we are sending. Fathers, I’d encourage you all to do the same. But we can all perhaps do it without the guilt and shame, and with the objective of helping others.
I have no answers. I just needed to get this out to others who might understand. Please pray for us and our children.
Loving your child isn't a substitute for expertise, I'm sorry. Many moms want to sleep in the bed with their infant, because they feel it's best; turns out that's incredibly unsafe and leads to SIDS. Parents are anti-vax because they feel it's best; that leads to measles outbreaks. Parents feel that spanking is best; study after study shows that leads to violent and poor emotional regulation in children.
Being a parent does NOT necessarily mean you know what's best for your child. If you don't think your doctor/therapist/whatever is good, go to a different one and get a different opinion, but assuming the best thing to do is ignore science is silly
I’ve got two post-graduate degrees and know many hundreds of people with professional credentials. I can state with confidence that many of them are idiots. Trust to your common sense and reject professional advice that demands your unquestioning obedience.
This is such an important message to parents. I recently watched a video by Stella O'Malley (Three Stories of Trans Rejection.) What she says in the notes under the video is this: "There isn't one way out. There isn't one way into gender dysphoria and there isn't one way out. You've got to find the authority in your house. You've got to find the kind of sense of confidence in yourself to figure out what your kid needs. I don't know what your kid needs. You are the world expert on your kid."
Doubt, not so much. Fear, yes. I recall being moved to lie prostrate on the floor of my closet as I prayed for one of my children. As I rose, when I rose, I got up, exchanging every ounce of fear within me for FIGHT. From that moment forward, I would FIGHT for my child. Bless you for your affirmation of parents. We all need support and cheerleaders.
Great post. Expect the CA state government to go after Pamela Garfield-Jaeger's social-worker license as soon as they become aware of her wrongthink. She clearly hates children.
Thank you for the encouragement. Very much needed. I often beat myself up trying to figure out what we did wrong as parents and I come to the same conclusion that I don’t think we could have done anything differently. I always recognized that my son growing up was shy, introverted, a little socially awkward but he had good friends and when they were together, he was in his element. Never in our worst nightmare that his love for the internet would bring these predators into his world that would eventually snag him into this cult. Like your article mentions, I have had many reservations about seeking therapy for fear of being labeled as a “bad” parent. The behavioral health community here are totally onboard and push this inclusion trans ideology. I’m afraid i can’t trust that they can help me without judging me. I feel so alone. Few people think about the parents and how this trauma is real. We’re just expected to smile and embrace these lies and accept them as truth. Thank you for understanding.
Thankyou!! A vote of confidence is very helpful and appreciated. I have been navigating these choppy waters for about 18 months now and I have fallen in the water a few times! I have come to a calmer place now where I can honour my deep understanding of my daughter but also let the rope out for her to make her own mistakes. Mind you I wish I didn’t have to, but she has got to come to her own conclusions about reality and my input was not appreciated or sought. I do not use pronouns or call her by her 18 month old name. I’m reluctantly pleased for her when she tells me she is happy with her “transness”. I occasionally comment on the danger of taking testosterone but I don’t push it and I NEVER comment on her hairy legs or sprouting facial hair (even though it looks terrible!) I trust myself and I trust my judgement and hers, but I truly hope she finds her way back to HER sooner rather than later. Fingers crossed!
If you've read through PITT posts, you've seen that there are many way to reach our kids. One of the more effective ways seems to be providing them with articles/books that they can read or critique with you.
Have you read or do you know about author/journalist Abigail Shrier's excellent book?
"Irreversible Damage: The Transgender Craze Seducing Our Daughters"
Abigail' Shrier's substack is here too: The Truth Fairy - An occasional newsletter devoted to contemporary blasphemies - https://www.thetruthfairy.info/
.. Or watched any of Shrier's interviews? Like this one: Podcast: S4 E11: Abigail Shrier | Jordan Peterson + Video of interview: Irreversible Damage? | Abigail Shrier - Jordan B. Peterson Podcast S4 E11 - Mar 22, 2021 - https://www.bitchute.com/video/fSKQfATa-1I/
Maybe reading & watching this history of the influences of the trans-cult ideology together?? Apologies if you know about these sources & have tried sharing them before w/your family. I'm always hopeful that one day a curiosity spark will initiate understanding in these confused kids' thinking about "sex" that will cause them to question their newly held "trans-cult" beliefs & understand the full picture of all the coordinated cultural pressures being directed at them.
From one mom to another - stay strong. Sending love & hope to you & your family, Robyn. <3
Thanks Lucinda it’s lovely to hear from and get recommendations from people who understand and give a damn! I have seen one of the interviews between Jordan Petersen and Abigail Shrier and I have her excellent book. I’ve read Helen Joyce and watched loads of podcasts. The sticky bit is attempting to open up a dialogue with my very stubborn and opinionated daughter (who is convinced she knows better!). She really is a nice person don’t get me wrong and we aren’t always on the outs but this issue is fraught with landmines and potholes as you know but I can’t give up the truth and she can’t get past the lies….yet. As her loving Mum I’ll keep trying though!
Thank you for responding & I figured that you probably knew of Abigail's book. And, yes - sadly this is true. - some of our kids are so very stubborn to their own detriment. My daughter never faced this trans-cult (as she is older than this trend line) but has younger friends who were ensnared. So my conversations w/her revolve around loving & supporting her friends, while understanding that they are caught up in this "Brave New World" of pronouns, rigid sex roles, calling names (like weaponizing "trans-phobia") & using trans-misogyny against biological women (by calling it "progressive" when it's actually retrogressive) through all the cultural brain-washing & PR assaults against our common sense. I realize daily that I am blessed to have a daughter w/a good head about this w/deep compassion for her captured friends.
May we all find our way out of this horrible cultural trans-mess that we're in today.
Great advice Pamela. It reminds me of an instance 20 years ago where another parent challenged my direction for my child in a public setting. It became a 2 against 1 situation. Little did I know the other parent shared none of my values nor beliefs. I remember feeling so alone and intimidated. I was blindsided and embarrassed in front of my child. I didn’t ask for any advice!
I learned to refocus my directions to my child based on our families values and ignore the other adult. Standing strong takes grit and practice. Trust your gut! Love your child with the values and boundaries you hold dear.
good for you to stand by what you believe in! you are a good role model for your child. I think this cohort will look back at you and other parents like you with admiration. Unfortunately, I will probably take time.
I can't get over the "ruby" heels when the original was ruby slippers. Again, this pushing male-identified femininity onto girls is enough to make girls think they must not be girls if they hate is as I did. Being a "proper girl" means accepting being uncomfortable and in pain. Please, don't add to this because it leads right back to the trans cult. Instead, support girls to be their full selves without being pushed to fit a fake "feminine" standard or be uncomfortable or in pain to please anyone (often family), which never means being told they are "tomboys" or boys of any kind. Too many girls are treated as dolls. Help support girls to where they would never want to join the female-hating trans cult.
The original book was about switching from the gold to the silver standard, and the slippers were silver. Color filmmaking was new, and ruby was picked to make them pop on the movie screen. (I'm certain about the monetary policy stuff, and pretty sure about the color film theory)
Thanks so much for writing this Pamela. A good reminder to parents to believe in their ability, and their responsibility, to parent.
The parents of PITT can also take comfort in the fact that the evidence, and the views of many well-qualified researchers and clinicians, support their instincts. I've summarised this evidence here:
Thanks for the links, a lot of work here, I hope they will be more widely seen. The summary leaflet is good, I often feel I have so much info it comes out as a garbled mess. Would love to put them somewhere to spread the word, libraries, waiting rooms…
Thanks Anon, I appreciate your interest in my work. Stella O'Malley restacked the longer article, and the infographic has had over 100 likes, so they've had a bit of attention already. Any help with further spreading the word is much appreciated.
As always, when I read a refreshing and encouraging post here from an important source, I get emotional. This was very good, very welcomed, and no doubt gives hope to some.
My son transitioned at 40, with no prior knowledge on our side, no discussion, no idea why or what led up to it. Just dropped by and told me, his mother, he was doing it. And he wonders why we don't accept it. (Besides the obvious reasons).
We no longer hear from him at Christmas, nothing for Mother's Day, and I am sure Father's Day will be the same. He is a full blown activist, extremely narcissistic, and hasn't been in our home in almost 2 years. I am devastated that this cult has made our kids Pharma dependent, body mutilating, psychiatric patients for life. It is crimes against humanity, perhaps the most vulnerable of all of humanity at that. And the money being made off of it is outrageous.
I encourage all of you going through this to speak up, write your legislators and keep being the voice that hopefully one day puts a stop to this and these people get the real help they need and deserve.
Thank you to Pamela for being on the right side of history and providing hope where there is very little. It is appreciated more than you know.
I hope this comment is not viewed as harsh, but if I were in your situation, I would be so relieved not to hear from my adult child. And thank God he is 40, and not 14 or 24 and living under your roof. I think it is a silver lining, although of course I am still so very sorry that you are living with this loss.
Your post gutted me. If it can claim a 40 year old adult child then the evil inflicted by this ideology is more contagious than we can fathom. My heart and prayers go out to you in this most difficult time. I pray the delusion will pass and restoration is something to hope for even if it hurts to hope. My son is 26 same story. all the best, Colleen
Colleen, sending you prayers and love as well. What I am finding is what some therapists are now saying out loud, these are people with underlying issues that needed to be treated and were not. My son was classic, anxiety and depression, in a failed marriage of many years, and wasn't happy with his career. He never had a lot of self confidence, even though he was throughly loved by the entire family. We had a very happy, close family, on both sides. His therapists apparently encouraged transition, one even suggesting he do it immediately , which he told me he did not appreciate.
There's so much to say. My heart breaks for you as well, and yes, hope and prayers that this passes one day and the current social encouragement wakes up and sees it is destroying generations of our young people. All of my best to you.
Thanks, Pamela.
Our daughter is 19. Her gender distress started around 13-15. In 2020, like most teenagers, she was confined to her room and her computer and her phone, and the ideas that had been planted in her GSA group in middle school had a chance to be fueled and stoked. Several of her female friends began to identify as different genders and go by different names. We knew at least 3 other minors (girls) who had already begun the medical path to transitioning.
My God. We listened to Stella O’Malley’s podcast. We read Abigail Shrier’s Irreversible Damage. We joined a support group of other non-affirming parents. We took her out of school and had her quit her job to get her away from all the well-intentioned but misguided people calling her by that ridiculous name and referring to her as a “he/him.”
We rededicated ourselves to Christ, who’s really been my only refuge in all of this.
She’s had boyfriends. I believe one of them thought he was gay and that she was his boyfriend. 🙄
Her current boyfriend is a really nice kid, a clean-cut preppy antithesis to the whole wanna-be androgynous punk rocker she’s got going on.
Now she’s 19. No longer our dependent. We will not fund this madness in ANY way. She’s still on our auto insurance but not for much longer. All other expenses (rent, bills, etc) she is solely responsible for.
We flew the nest instead; moved with our younger children to a much smaller town where this mania isn’t as in-your-face. We homeschool them, we closely monitor screen usage and there will be no cell phones, period.
She’s a gifted musician. Yesterday I was looking up musicians in our old city and I came across her profile on a music site.
Right under her gloomy-but-definitely-feminine profile pic she’s put down “19 year old male.”
Ugh, another punch in the gut.
I continue to pray for her. We met up with her at a family reunion and I hate to say it, but it’s so embarrassing when she shows up in her binder, men’s clothing (geez, is she packing her jeans??) cropped hair and fake swagger.
I am so disappointed. My daughter, the beautiful, wildly intelligent, gifted artist and musician is hiding behind this sick fake persona.
I still battle with guilt about how I’ve modeled toxic femininity throughout her life. I’ve had to look at my own pettiness, superficiality, jealousy, wishy-washiness, passivity, comparisons, perfectionism, refusal to be direct. The ways I may have made motherhood look like a chore and not a joy. People say, “don’t be so hard on yourself,” but as mothers we owe it to ourselves and our children to honestly assess how we parent and the messages we are sending. Fathers, I’d encourage you all to do the same. But we can all perhaps do it without the guilt and shame, and with the objective of helping others.
I have no answers. I just needed to get this out to others who might understand. Please pray for us and our children.
Loving your child isn't a substitute for expertise, I'm sorry. Many moms want to sleep in the bed with their infant, because they feel it's best; turns out that's incredibly unsafe and leads to SIDS. Parents are anti-vax because they feel it's best; that leads to measles outbreaks. Parents feel that spanking is best; study after study shows that leads to violent and poor emotional regulation in children.
Being a parent does NOT necessarily mean you know what's best for your child. If you don't think your doctor/therapist/whatever is good, go to a different one and get a different opinion, but assuming the best thing to do is ignore science is silly
I’ve got two post-graduate degrees and know many hundreds of people with professional credentials. I can state with confidence that many of them are idiots. Trust to your common sense and reject professional advice that demands your unquestioning obedience.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart Pamela
This is such an important message to parents. I recently watched a video by Stella O'Malley (Three Stories of Trans Rejection.) What she says in the notes under the video is this: "There isn't one way out. There isn't one way into gender dysphoria and there isn't one way out. You've got to find the authority in your house. You've got to find the kind of sense of confidence in yourself to figure out what your kid needs. I don't know what your kid needs. You are the world expert on your kid."
Doubt, not so much. Fear, yes. I recall being moved to lie prostrate on the floor of my closet as I prayed for one of my children. As I rose, when I rose, I got up, exchanging every ounce of fear within me for FIGHT. From that moment forward, I would FIGHT for my child. Bless you for your affirmation of parents. We all need support and cheerleaders.
Great post. Expect the CA state government to go after Pamela Garfield-Jaeger's social-worker license as soon as they become aware of her wrongthink. She clearly hates children.
I've survived so far!
Thank you for the encouragement. Very much needed. I often beat myself up trying to figure out what we did wrong as parents and I come to the same conclusion that I don’t think we could have done anything differently. I always recognized that my son growing up was shy, introverted, a little socially awkward but he had good friends and when they were together, he was in his element. Never in our worst nightmare that his love for the internet would bring these predators into his world that would eventually snag him into this cult. Like your article mentions, I have had many reservations about seeking therapy for fear of being labeled as a “bad” parent. The behavioral health community here are totally onboard and push this inclusion trans ideology. I’m afraid i can’t trust that they can help me without judging me. I feel so alone. Few people think about the parents and how this trauma is real. We’re just expected to smile and embrace these lies and accept them as truth. Thank you for understanding.
Thank you. I’m sure you know how rare a species you are.
Thankyou!! A vote of confidence is very helpful and appreciated. I have been navigating these choppy waters for about 18 months now and I have fallen in the water a few times! I have come to a calmer place now where I can honour my deep understanding of my daughter but also let the rope out for her to make her own mistakes. Mind you I wish I didn’t have to, but she has got to come to her own conclusions about reality and my input was not appreciated or sought. I do not use pronouns or call her by her 18 month old name. I’m reluctantly pleased for her when she tells me she is happy with her “transness”. I occasionally comment on the danger of taking testosterone but I don’t push it and I NEVER comment on her hairy legs or sprouting facial hair (even though it looks terrible!) I trust myself and I trust my judgement and hers, but I truly hope she finds her way back to HER sooner rather than later. Fingers crossed!
If you've read through PITT posts, you've seen that there are many way to reach our kids. One of the more effective ways seems to be providing them with articles/books that they can read or critique with you.
Have you read or do you know about author/journalist Abigail Shrier's excellent book?
"Irreversible Damage: The Transgender Craze Seducing Our Daughters"
https://www.amazon.com/Irreversible-Damage-Transgender-Seducing-Daughters/dp/168451228X/ref=sr_1_1
Abigail' Shrier's substack is here too: The Truth Fairy - An occasional newsletter devoted to contemporary blasphemies - https://www.thetruthfairy.info/
.. Or watched any of Shrier's interviews? Like this one: Podcast: S4 E11: Abigail Shrier | Jordan Peterson + Video of interview: Irreversible Damage? | Abigail Shrier - Jordan B. Peterson Podcast S4 E11 - Mar 22, 2021 - https://www.bitchute.com/video/fSKQfATa-1I/
Maybe reading & watching this history of the influences of the trans-cult ideology together?? Apologies if you know about these sources & have tried sharing them before w/your family. I'm always hopeful that one day a curiosity spark will initiate understanding in these confused kids' thinking about "sex" that will cause them to question their newly held "trans-cult" beliefs & understand the full picture of all the coordinated cultural pressures being directed at them.
From one mom to another - stay strong. Sending love & hope to you & your family, Robyn. <3
Thanks Lucinda it’s lovely to hear from and get recommendations from people who understand and give a damn! I have seen one of the interviews between Jordan Petersen and Abigail Shrier and I have her excellent book. I’ve read Helen Joyce and watched loads of podcasts. The sticky bit is attempting to open up a dialogue with my very stubborn and opinionated daughter (who is convinced she knows better!). She really is a nice person don’t get me wrong and we aren’t always on the outs but this issue is fraught with landmines and potholes as you know but I can’t give up the truth and she can’t get past the lies….yet. As her loving Mum I’ll keep trying though!
Thank you for responding & I figured that you probably knew of Abigail's book. And, yes - sadly this is true. - some of our kids are so very stubborn to their own detriment. My daughter never faced this trans-cult (as she is older than this trend line) but has younger friends who were ensnared. So my conversations w/her revolve around loving & supporting her friends, while understanding that they are caught up in this "Brave New World" of pronouns, rigid sex roles, calling names (like weaponizing "trans-phobia") & using trans-misogyny against biological women (by calling it "progressive" when it's actually retrogressive) through all the cultural brain-washing & PR assaults against our common sense. I realize daily that I am blessed to have a daughter w/a good head about this w/deep compassion for her captured friends.
May we all find our way out of this horrible cultural trans-mess that we're in today.
I hope she does! You are doing what you can.
Thank you for the reminder and the encouragement.
This is marvelous! Thank you!
So nice to have a professional on OUR side for a change ❤️
Great advice Pamela. It reminds me of an instance 20 years ago where another parent challenged my direction for my child in a public setting. It became a 2 against 1 situation. Little did I know the other parent shared none of my values nor beliefs. I remember feeling so alone and intimidated. I was blindsided and embarrassed in front of my child. I didn’t ask for any advice!
I learned to refocus my directions to my child based on our families values and ignore the other adult. Standing strong takes grit and practice. Trust your gut! Love your child with the values and boundaries you hold dear.
good for you to stand by what you believe in! you are a good role model for your child. I think this cohort will look back at you and other parents like you with admiration. Unfortunately, I will probably take time.
I can't get over the "ruby" heels when the original was ruby slippers. Again, this pushing male-identified femininity onto girls is enough to make girls think they must not be girls if they hate is as I did. Being a "proper girl" means accepting being uncomfortable and in pain. Please, don't add to this because it leads right back to the trans cult. Instead, support girls to be their full selves without being pushed to fit a fake "feminine" standard or be uncomfortable or in pain to please anyone (often family), which never means being told they are "tomboys" or boys of any kind. Too many girls are treated as dolls. Help support girls to where they would never want to join the female-hating trans cult.
The original book was about switching from the gold to the silver standard, and the slippers were silver. Color filmmaking was new, and ruby was picked to make them pop on the movie screen. (I'm certain about the monetary policy stuff, and pretty sure about the color film theory)
Thanks so much for writing this Pamela. A good reminder to parents to believe in their ability, and their responsibility, to parent.
The parents of PITT can also take comfort in the fact that the evidence, and the views of many well-qualified researchers and clinicians, support their instincts. I've summarised this evidence here:
https://argumentswithfriends.substack.com/p/trans-and-social-influence
https://argumentswithfriends.substack.com/p/the-trans-wave-was-caused-by-social
Thanks for the links, a lot of work here, I hope they will be more widely seen. The summary leaflet is good, I often feel I have so much info it comes out as a garbled mess. Would love to put them somewhere to spread the word, libraries, waiting rooms…
Thanks Anon, I appreciate your interest in my work. Stella O'Malley restacked the longer article, and the infographic has had over 100 likes, so they've had a bit of attention already. Any help with further spreading the word is much appreciated.
You’re welcome, so very grateful for people writing about this. We all need to work on it being SEEN & for many that takes a lot of bravery.
As always, when I read a refreshing and encouraging post here from an important source, I get emotional. This was very good, very welcomed, and no doubt gives hope to some.
My son transitioned at 40, with no prior knowledge on our side, no discussion, no idea why or what led up to it. Just dropped by and told me, his mother, he was doing it. And he wonders why we don't accept it. (Besides the obvious reasons).
We no longer hear from him at Christmas, nothing for Mother's Day, and I am sure Father's Day will be the same. He is a full blown activist, extremely narcissistic, and hasn't been in our home in almost 2 years. I am devastated that this cult has made our kids Pharma dependent, body mutilating, psychiatric patients for life. It is crimes against humanity, perhaps the most vulnerable of all of humanity at that. And the money being made off of it is outrageous.
I encourage all of you going through this to speak up, write your legislators and keep being the voice that hopefully one day puts a stop to this and these people get the real help they need and deserve.
Thank you to Pamela for being on the right side of history and providing hope where there is very little. It is appreciated more than you know.
I hope this comment is not viewed as harsh, but if I were in your situation, I would be so relieved not to hear from my adult child. And thank God he is 40, and not 14 or 24 and living under your roof. I think it is a silver lining, although of course I am still so very sorry that you are living with this loss.
Your post gutted me. If it can claim a 40 year old adult child then the evil inflicted by this ideology is more contagious than we can fathom. My heart and prayers go out to you in this most difficult time. I pray the delusion will pass and restoration is something to hope for even if it hurts to hope. My son is 26 same story. all the best, Colleen
Colleen, sending you prayers and love as well. What I am finding is what some therapists are now saying out loud, these are people with underlying issues that needed to be treated and were not. My son was classic, anxiety and depression, in a failed marriage of many years, and wasn't happy with his career. He never had a lot of self confidence, even though he was throughly loved by the entire family. We had a very happy, close family, on both sides. His therapists apparently encouraged transition, one even suggesting he do it immediately , which he told me he did not appreciate.
There's so much to say. My heart breaks for you as well, and yes, hope and prayers that this passes one day and the current social encouragement wakes up and sees it is destroying generations of our young people. All of my best to you.
Thanks so much End this Madness!!