When my daughter was 13, I had a friend of mine who was also the mother of one of my daughter’s peers, tell me that my girl was using a boy’s name in her friend group. This woman shared with me her daughter’s written guest list for her upcoming birthday party in which every girl invited was recorded as how she identified along the rainbow. It was my daughter’s 8th grade year. We were already having a rough year and this news seemed pretty silly at first. Then I started researching. I found Transgender Trend, 4th Wave Now, and writings by Lisa Marchiano and the reality of what we might be dealing with sunk in. And I became terrified. Then an incident happened during which my daughter hinted that she was considering or might already have begun harming herself. I was an educator and a fairly confident mother who prided myself in my liberal mindset and in my healthy relationships with my children. When I reflect, this was the moment my confidence dropped out and I started to really doubt myself as a mother.
Thank you for posting the words I could not quite articulate!! Same story here but at 13, she told me and swore me to secrecy. Our drive to therapy is 20 mins. I LOVE that we have a similar approach and that it took some time to get there. I haven't read that before! I too rejoice in the fact that this trial has brought us closer like nothing else could. I am a better person because of this hard, hard thing and I don't even know the outcome (going on age 16 here, probably ennegram 4 as well). I know it could end badly but I too have found faith and grace. If you get a chance, read Helena's story on substack (prude posting) from 7 days ago.
Same here, and I've often thought about how my kid is trying to be the opposite of me as she's individuating. I also know how much like my mother I've turned out to be and am so grateful for her example. It helps me recognize the developmental pathway my girl is on. I was a late bloomer lucky to live through my twenties. I think my kid has enough survival instinct to get through this, and I expect a whole helluva lot of wisdom on the other side--like Helena and all the other courageous desisters/detransitioners who found true authenticity. Helena's story is SO good. I bookmarked it and have shared it with educators who work with my child.
This is beautiful and so true. Important for dads to do this connecting with their confused kids. Mine that was furious at 14 would not let her get a septum piercing has not done it at almost 19. No medical interventions. No self harming as she's said. She is doing so much better in college now and being very busy. I think we will ride this storm out. I can only control myself. Found a good neutral therapist DBT and CBT trained to look at daughter as a whole person with other things going on.
Yes, I often wonder what effect it would have if my husband could model some vulnerability with our daughter. I see the trans ID as a shield around a vulnerable heart--she's very defended, especially with her dad who can't emotionally process what's happening and who has erected his own shield. I can't help but wonder what would happen if he was capable of a vulnerable conversation with her--I think he's working up to this and I'm hopeful, but of course, not putting all eggs in one basket. I think we are all collectively learning what it takes to love someone out of a cult. Grateful for this community!
Did your daughter have a smart phone at age 13? Thank God they were too expensive when my kids were that age, 10 years ago. And the "gender" ideology was not on the curriculum - and I would have heard about it because I was a PTA representative every single year for one or other of them. The dishonesty, the subterfuge of all of this would drive me to distraction, because honesty is a BIG thing with me. Enough. Just drag them away from screens. Do some sport, make something (dressmaking, cooking, anything practical), help in the garden, just not in front of screens.... Oh and there's that old fashioned object: a book! There! lots of healthy things to do. And studying.
With all respect, I am not sure it's realistic to drag them away from screens, or to blame it all on screens. Remember when we used to blame tv for everything? or rap music? Screens is where kids have to do their homework. It's where they facetime their friends. It's where they access suicide and self-harm hotlines.
My daughter has a job, has friends, has hobbies. And still thinks she's a boy. Most of her friends do not. This "cult" has a lot to do with the struggles our individual children face -- their own identities are troubled, whether due to prior abuse, ASD, ADHD, or what have you)-- and this has made them susceptible. It's a perfect storm. In the 60s, my child would have tuned in, turned on and dropped out.
Yes, I've spent time thinking about this too. I have mixed feelings. Older generations always complain about whatever has captured our youth's attention that is "newfangled" and "harmful" and yet, I do think the information age is wreaking havoc on civilization. Our youth need to know how to navigate the digital world with savvy, AND I think it's coming at a cost to our connection with our bodies and our place in nature. All this said, I'm a proponent of MODELING our values and applying those values to screen usage and body care. I'm also grateful for the access screens have given me to information I might not otherwise have ever come in contact with, pre-Information Age. As with most things, it's a mixed bag, and I agree a "perfect storm". Too bad we've started "treating" adolescence like it's a mental health issue. I'm so concerned for the large number of adults who've joined in the concretizing and rigid thinking that is common among children. Weird times.
Well put - I 100% agree. And it’s hard to model to teens who want to rebel! My daughter wants to individuate, so the fact that I am exercising and taking good care of myself and being in nature makes her not want to do that. I think in the long term, this will have better effects, but for now, it’s not working for us.
I do apologize. You are right that it is about individual children, of course. My daughter's best friend somehow became anorexic at about 15 years, and this was deeply upsetting to my daughter. She didn't talk much about it. And the friend is still in and out of psychiatric hospitals. It seems that some children become anxious and "latch on" to the wrong "solutions". I am sorry.
I also encourage moms of these girls to look into Enneagram--especially type 4s. There is a profile that most of these girls fit. Keeping the type 4 description in mind really helps me to have productive conversations with my child without alienating her. And I can still be true to myself (also a type 4 who are typically in an endless quest for authenticity) and be honest. Coming at this as "a different world view" has opened up these conversations with my daughter in a whole new way.
Wow. This essay could have been written by me, right down to the 1.5 hour drive each way to a useful therapist, the sharing of music and philosophy and the binder. My daughter is 15 though, and we're only 3 years in. I DO believe in my daughter. I am devastated by the "do-gooders" who are trying to be supportive in the most misguided of ways. I do also realize that modeling a healthy relationship with my body and life as a woman, as well as healthy self-regulation and co-regulation of emotions and normalizing the ups and downs and challenges of being human in this day and age are the most important ways I can continue to influence and love my daughter as she navigates this crazy journey. I really appreciate these PITT posts because I know I'm not alone. I'm on a healthy path and can feel it in my bones. My heart hurts for our kids and for families who may not have the background and support that I have which have helped me get clear and be able to show up in healthier ways with and for my daughter and myself. Thank you for sharing. As we grow and change, we model for our kids and while they may not show it right now, they are watching and learning from us. May we model grace, compassion, wisdom, kindness and humility while standing strong in our truth in love.
Agreed. What a beautiful summary and a message more parents desperately need to hear. I saw a quote recently that goes something like this, "Instead of spending all your time being angry at bad guys, focus on building a better world."
Dawn, we are in the same place in many ways (my kid is also 15, and also 2.5 years in). So much therapy. So much pain. So much love. I love how you've said it here. It's about modeling.
What a beautifully written story. I love how you are taking care of yourself on this journey you did not choose. I love that you are finding a way to maintain and even deepen a relationship with your child despite how hard this is. I love that you realize she will end up making her own decisions eventually, and that the best you can do is to love her and be your best self. IMO, this is such a brave way to be, one that will keep your family close and also give her the space to do what she will do, and also come back from it if she so chooses.
I love your story and can relate completely, because I too have these same experiences and feelings. Thank you for a well thought out and written story. Good bless!!
Man.. that really made me search deep about the relationship with my kids. I hope I have that trusting bond as well as you do.
So very grateful to you for sharing your process navigating this minefield.
Thx for your honesty....what a shocking blessing to be so close to her, now, even in the midst of your pain
God bless you and your daughter❤️🙏
Thank you for sharing this story
Thank you for posting the words I could not quite articulate!! Same story here but at 13, she told me and swore me to secrecy. Our drive to therapy is 20 mins. I LOVE that we have a similar approach and that it took some time to get there. I haven't read that before! I too rejoice in the fact that this trial has brought us closer like nothing else could. I am a better person because of this hard, hard thing and I don't even know the outcome (going on age 16 here, probably ennegram 4 as well). I know it could end badly but I too have found faith and grace. If you get a chance, read Helena's story on substack (prude posting) from 7 days ago.
Same here, and I've often thought about how my kid is trying to be the opposite of me as she's individuating. I also know how much like my mother I've turned out to be and am so grateful for her example. It helps me recognize the developmental pathway my girl is on. I was a late bloomer lucky to live through my twenties. I think my kid has enough survival instinct to get through this, and I expect a whole helluva lot of wisdom on the other side--like Helena and all the other courageous desisters/detransitioners who found true authenticity. Helena's story is SO good. I bookmarked it and have shared it with educators who work with my child.
This is beautiful and so true. Important for dads to do this connecting with their confused kids. Mine that was furious at 14 would not let her get a septum piercing has not done it at almost 19. No medical interventions. No self harming as she's said. She is doing so much better in college now and being very busy. I think we will ride this storm out. I can only control myself. Found a good neutral therapist DBT and CBT trained to look at daughter as a whole person with other things going on.
Yes, I often wonder what effect it would have if my husband could model some vulnerability with our daughter. I see the trans ID as a shield around a vulnerable heart--she's very defended, especially with her dad who can't emotionally process what's happening and who has erected his own shield. I can't help but wonder what would happen if he was capable of a vulnerable conversation with her--I think he's working up to this and I'm hopeful, but of course, not putting all eggs in one basket. I think we are all collectively learning what it takes to love someone out of a cult. Grateful for this community!
Very well put: "Love someone out of a cult". It is hard.
My thoughts and feelings exactly... We all have such similar stories. I need to find a non-affirming therapist that understands what's truly going on.
Did your daughter have a smart phone at age 13? Thank God they were too expensive when my kids were that age, 10 years ago. And the "gender" ideology was not on the curriculum - and I would have heard about it because I was a PTA representative every single year for one or other of them. The dishonesty, the subterfuge of all of this would drive me to distraction, because honesty is a BIG thing with me. Enough. Just drag them away from screens. Do some sport, make something (dressmaking, cooking, anything practical), help in the garden, just not in front of screens.... Oh and there's that old fashioned object: a book! There! lots of healthy things to do. And studying.
With all respect, I am not sure it's realistic to drag them away from screens, or to blame it all on screens. Remember when we used to blame tv for everything? or rap music? Screens is where kids have to do their homework. It's where they facetime their friends. It's where they access suicide and self-harm hotlines.
My daughter has a job, has friends, has hobbies. And still thinks she's a boy. Most of her friends do not. This "cult" has a lot to do with the struggles our individual children face -- their own identities are troubled, whether due to prior abuse, ASD, ADHD, or what have you)-- and this has made them susceptible. It's a perfect storm. In the 60s, my child would have tuned in, turned on and dropped out.
Yes, I've spent time thinking about this too. I have mixed feelings. Older generations always complain about whatever has captured our youth's attention that is "newfangled" and "harmful" and yet, I do think the information age is wreaking havoc on civilization. Our youth need to know how to navigate the digital world with savvy, AND I think it's coming at a cost to our connection with our bodies and our place in nature. All this said, I'm a proponent of MODELING our values and applying those values to screen usage and body care. I'm also grateful for the access screens have given me to information I might not otherwise have ever come in contact with, pre-Information Age. As with most things, it's a mixed bag, and I agree a "perfect storm". Too bad we've started "treating" adolescence like it's a mental health issue. I'm so concerned for the large number of adults who've joined in the concretizing and rigid thinking that is common among children. Weird times.
Well put - I 100% agree. And it’s hard to model to teens who want to rebel! My daughter wants to individuate, so the fact that I am exercising and taking good care of myself and being in nature makes her not want to do that. I think in the long term, this will have better effects, but for now, it’s not working for us.
I do apologize. You are right that it is about individual children, of course. My daughter's best friend somehow became anorexic at about 15 years, and this was deeply upsetting to my daughter. She didn't talk much about it. And the friend is still in and out of psychiatric hospitals. It seems that some children become anxious and "latch on" to the wrong "solutions". I am sorry.
No need to apologize! I have so often found I want to blame something exterior - but it's so rarely that simple.
I also encourage moms of these girls to look into Enneagram--especially type 4s. There is a profile that most of these girls fit. Keeping the type 4 description in mind really helps me to have productive conversations with my child without alienating her. And I can still be true to myself (also a type 4 who are typically in an endless quest for authenticity) and be honest. Coming at this as "a different world view" has opened up these conversations with my daughter in a whole new way.
Fascinating. https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-4
My kid is definitely a 4.
Thank you. I feel the same.
Wow. This essay could have been written by me, right down to the 1.5 hour drive each way to a useful therapist, the sharing of music and philosophy and the binder. My daughter is 15 though, and we're only 3 years in. I DO believe in my daughter. I am devastated by the "do-gooders" who are trying to be supportive in the most misguided of ways. I do also realize that modeling a healthy relationship with my body and life as a woman, as well as healthy self-regulation and co-regulation of emotions and normalizing the ups and downs and challenges of being human in this day and age are the most important ways I can continue to influence and love my daughter as she navigates this crazy journey. I really appreciate these PITT posts because I know I'm not alone. I'm on a healthy path and can feel it in my bones. My heart hurts for our kids and for families who may not have the background and support that I have which have helped me get clear and be able to show up in healthier ways with and for my daughter and myself. Thank you for sharing. As we grow and change, we model for our kids and while they may not show it right now, they are watching and learning from us. May we model grace, compassion, wisdom, kindness and humility while standing strong in our truth in love.
Agreed. What a beautiful summary and a message more parents desperately need to hear. I saw a quote recently that goes something like this, "Instead of spending all your time being angry at bad guys, focus on building a better world."
Dawn, we are in the same place in many ways (my kid is also 15, and also 2.5 years in). So much therapy. So much pain. So much love. I love how you've said it here. It's about modeling.
What a beautifully written story. I love how you are taking care of yourself on this journey you did not choose. I love that you are finding a way to maintain and even deepen a relationship with your child despite how hard this is. I love that you realize she will end up making her own decisions eventually, and that the best you can do is to love her and be your best self. IMO, this is such a brave way to be, one that will keep your family close and also give her the space to do what she will do, and also come back from it if she so chooses.
I love your story and can relate completely, because I too have these same experiences and feelings. Thank you for a well thought out and written story. Good bless!!
This is so important, kids need to know they can return home to loving parents. She is a lucky daughter to have such a caring and wise mom.