Much of what I read and see about gender dysphoria and transgender issues concerns younger children, mainly pre-teen and teens. I’m older (61). So is my daughter (23). And I’ve been in this a long time (coming on four years since she medicalized). In some ways I’m envious of the “younger” parents (or parents of the young). They have some control over the drugs their child takes, surgery, name changes. Don’t get me wrong - dealing with a child who is under the delusion he/she can change sexes is maddening. But experiencing this with an adult child is a slightly different challenge.
Update November 27, '22. I feel done. I had a breakthrough. After foregoing my plans to hang out with my husband for several days during the holiday, and rushing to my son across the country for a (real) crisis: homelessness and abuse, and having him confront and set an ultimatum about his name and pronouns, I wept, I screamed and cried in my rental car. The next day, I told him I would use his name. I don't want to lose him. (see Anticlea's comment about Steve Hassan, cult expert regarding your kids know what you think. It's under Mama's discussion about pronouns below.) I did not agree to pronouns. He is living a very dangerous life, in other ways as well. He is 25. I cannot do anything else for him other than to love him. I am done. I know he knows I love him and he loves me. His friends have offered their affirming moms. He doesn't want their mom, he wants me. We were very close growing up. But, I realize now, what others have been telling me, and now I'm ready to accept it. Let him go. His choices, good or bad, are his, and so are the consequences, no matter how brutal. It feels like having a drug-addicted child. continued...
I will work my hardest to improve my life, dream again, and work on my dreams, with my husband, his dad. I will protect me, prioritize me, and try to read this daily. He doesn't want me to worry about him. Ok, I told him, I'm sure he can take care of himself. He thanked me for trusting him. I don't really. I've known some to fail and end their lives. It doesn't always work out.
But I am working to release that, and I'll continue to pray for him, but let him go to his fate, whatever heartache that may cause. I am helpless to fix it. I know that now. Thank you for this piece. I will remind myself of it daily.
Thank you for your wise words that I read in an hour of desperation over my similarly aged daughter. It is one thing to know what is good for your own survival and mental health and another thing to do it. I am so upset every time I see her.
Why are so many girls wanting to become boys? And, why do women so frequently support these physical and chemical irreversible changes to girls? Why do they believe they can become male and why do they believe that losing their breasts and taking testosterone will make them into a male? Why do they believe genetic males who transition to 'female' don't have a physical advantage? Anyone?
I think girls tend to be influenced by social media a little more. They are influenced by peer pressure more, too. Do you remember the anorexia craze? Girls mostly. I think people are just fooling themselves if they think males who present as female don't have an advantage.
It’s good to stay mentally positive as you have shown. I appreciate what you have shared. My daughter is now 18 and I just have to let it be. She hasn’t done any trans medicalizing so far, for which I am grateful, but I have to brace myself for a day she might choose it. God, I hope not ever. That would be a day of horror for me. I’ve told her she’d have severe consequences if she ever did. I told her that I don’t think I could handle seeing her destroy her body. But, she chooses her own destiny, not me. I can warn her, but the choice is now hers, not mine. I have to just let go of feeling responsible for her mistakes. I have to bear watching her run her life with this cult ideology. But like you say, she’ll hopefully walk away from it someday and life will take on other challenges.
I don’t understand how corruption has taken over the country to the point that destroying a healthy body is done in the name of care. I don’t understand how this has permeated our whole society. It’s crazy. Our country is being manipulated by powerful evil individuals who hate children, youth and family life. They are the destroyers. Family is everything to me.
You are definitely right! Our country is being manipulated by powerful individuals who absolutely hate children, youth, and family. The only encouraging thing is that people seem to be slowly waking up to this radical gender ideology.
My daughter is 24. I do hope she'll come out of this cult sooner rather than later. She has a 4 yr old daughter. My granddaughter is being hurt and confused by all of this. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go along, but I can't. If there ever comes a time when my granddaughter comes to me about the harm done by her mother at least I will know I did what I could by telling the truth and not giving in to the pressure.
I'm in your boat. My son "announced" this when he was in HS. Had turned 18. This has affected my health, so seeing what you wrote has helped me. My son has lied non-stop since starting hormones, had bottom surgery without telling me. If he had died, I would have never known. I need to follow your advice.
As a mother of a son in his early thirties, I want to thank you for such wise advise. This experience is so heartbreaking and emotionally draining that we lose sight of taking care of our own mental health and of those around us, whom are also struggling and proccessing this in their own way.
Thank you for writing this. We’re in the same situation. It is so painful as my daughter and I were very close until she was locked down at college and became indoctrinated. She already knew I had some concerns about the trans movement telling girls who are tomboys (as I was) or who are just uncomfortable in their bodies (as most are at some point!) that they are not really female. So she cut me off once she started taking hormones because I expressed that she is perfect and wonderful just the way she is, no need to medicalize her healthy body. I’ve been in shock and grieving, reading everything I can to figure out how to help. This is very helpful, not giving up, not becoming hardened, but just being patient and keeping a hopeful perspective. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The timing; I really needed this.
Such good information. It has been hard for me as my son is 18, and an adult. However, his depression is so bad he is unable to function and needed to be hospitalized. So, when does he "grow up" and be the adult? The hospital won't tell me anything without his approval, so I sit blindly and pray for him to leave the cult. I wish someone would address the depression as the main issue.
I always talk about how I'm lucky I'm too old for the trans cult to have gotten hold of me because I'm sure I would have been transitioned. I'm even luckier that my now 32-year-old sensitive, high-functioning autistic son is too old for them to have gotten hold of him. He accepts himself now, but he went through a phase where he really didn't much enjoy being himself. He never expressed any belief that he was a girl, but he had lots of female friends. I read somewhere that's one of the supposed (ridiculous) signs of actually being the other sex: having lots of friends of the opposite sex. He also had long hair until he was 12 years old when he allowed one of his female friends to practice her hairstyling skills on him. Since then, he's always had a buzz cut. But of course deviating from rigid sex stereotypes even slightly is a sure sign of being trans! (/s)
My son had female friends because they saw him as non-threatening. They knew he wouldn't try to coerce them into things they weren't ready for. The most aggressive advance he ever made was asking a girl if she wanted to go for coffee sometime.
Just found out my daughter has been taking drugs for "a few months." After she told me, just a month before she started, promised me, that she would at least let us know if she started. I feel so betrayed, in addition to the devastation of her starting drugs.
The insurance question is not even a question. This country has made transitioning as easy as possible. If I drop her, the ACA is always there. At least this way she has a 4K deductible for out of network, which her psychiatrist is (who she insists is an endocrinologist even though she is billing as a psychiatrist, a red flag I pointed out to her that she does not care about.)
She wants me to go to therapy to "learn to deal with it." I offered that I would go to family counseling with her and she agreed. She gets defensive when I try to converse with her so maybe that will help.
Thank you for your very timely, at least for me, and helpful post. I am so ready to move on with my life at this point. But unfortunately she still has college to get through.
In my daughters case, she just lied and did it anyway. So why would I even offer to play along with her name delusion? Honestly at this point I’m probably just as upset about the betrayal as I am about her starting testosterone. I have been loving and kind for the last three years. She lied anyway. So I’m not sure why I owe her anything about playing along with her delusion.
Marc, if only it worked... For one thing, many of these young people promise and break their promise, others just turn on their parents and leave (while claiming and believing that they were kicked out by their cruel transphobic parents). Not being on a parent's insurance is unlikely to stop someone from transitioning (at least not from taking hormones). I don't know much about healthcare in other countries, but in many places in the USA, transition is covered by Medicaid. Others use credit cards or groupfund. Some are probably selling their bodies or other means. Yes, it may delay a surgery for some (not all). I will do all I can to stop my daughter from transitioning but just saying sternly "No" is unlikely to help.
Exactly. Gay people are all delusional. “Lesbians” should just go sleep with men to unlearn their insanity even if they don’t want it. Men should help them with that by forcing them into straight sex. It’s the only way to save their souls.
I think that is meant to be satirical, although i do not understand why i deserve such a reaction. It is not what i am saying. Nobody should be treated disrespectful in such private matters!
Update November 27, '22. I feel done. I had a breakthrough. After foregoing my plans to hang out with my husband for several days during the holiday, and rushing to my son across the country for a (real) crisis: homelessness and abuse, and having him confront and set an ultimatum about his name and pronouns, I wept, I screamed and cried in my rental car. The next day, I told him I would use his name. I don't want to lose him. (see Anticlea's comment about Steve Hassan, cult expert regarding your kids know what you think. It's under Mama's discussion about pronouns below.) I did not agree to pronouns. He is living a very dangerous life, in other ways as well. He is 25. I cannot do anything else for him other than to love him. I am done. I know he knows I love him and he loves me. His friends have offered their affirming moms. He doesn't want their mom, he wants me. We were very close growing up. But, I realize now, what others have been telling me, and now I'm ready to accept it. Let him go. His choices, good or bad, are his, and so are the consequences, no matter how brutal. It feels like having a drug-addicted child. continued...
I will work my hardest to improve my life, dream again, and work on my dreams, with my husband, his dad. I will protect me, prioritize me, and try to read this daily. He doesn't want me to worry about him. Ok, I told him, I'm sure he can take care of himself. He thanked me for trusting him. I don't really. I've known some to fail and end their lives. It doesn't always work out.
But I am working to release that, and I'll continue to pray for him, but let him go to his fate, whatever heartache that may cause. I am helpless to fix it. I know that now. Thank you for this piece. I will remind myself of it daily.
Thank you for your wise words that I read in an hour of desperation over my similarly aged daughter. It is one thing to know what is good for your own survival and mental health and another thing to do it. I am so upset every time I see her.
Exactly
Why are so many girls wanting to become boys? And, why do women so frequently support these physical and chemical irreversible changes to girls? Why do they believe they can become male and why do they believe that losing their breasts and taking testosterone will make them into a male? Why do they believe genetic males who transition to 'female' don't have a physical advantage? Anyone?
I think girls tend to be influenced by social media a little more. They are influenced by peer pressure more, too. Do you remember the anorexia craze? Girls mostly. I think people are just fooling themselves if they think males who present as female don't have an advantage.
Thank you.
It’s good to stay mentally positive as you have shown. I appreciate what you have shared. My daughter is now 18 and I just have to let it be. She hasn’t done any trans medicalizing so far, for which I am grateful, but I have to brace myself for a day she might choose it. God, I hope not ever. That would be a day of horror for me. I’ve told her she’d have severe consequences if she ever did. I told her that I don’t think I could handle seeing her destroy her body. But, she chooses her own destiny, not me. I can warn her, but the choice is now hers, not mine. I have to just let go of feeling responsible for her mistakes. I have to bear watching her run her life with this cult ideology. But like you say, she’ll hopefully walk away from it someday and life will take on other challenges.
I don’t understand how corruption has taken over the country to the point that destroying a healthy body is done in the name of care. I don’t understand how this has permeated our whole society. It’s crazy. Our country is being manipulated by powerful evil individuals who hate children, youth and family life. They are the destroyers. Family is everything to me.
You are definitely right! Our country is being manipulated by powerful individuals who absolutely hate children, youth, and family. The only encouraging thing is that people seem to be slowly waking up to this radical gender ideology.
My daughter is 24. I do hope she'll come out of this cult sooner rather than later. She has a 4 yr old daughter. My granddaughter is being hurt and confused by all of this. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go along, but I can't. If there ever comes a time when my granddaughter comes to me about the harm done by her mother at least I will know I did what I could by telling the truth and not giving in to the pressure.
Thank you.
I'm in your boat. My son "announced" this when he was in HS. Had turned 18. This has affected my health, so seeing what you wrote has helped me. My son has lied non-stop since starting hormones, had bottom surgery without telling me. If he had died, I would have never known. I need to follow your advice.
I'm so sorry! This makes me cry. So, I know you have had many sleepless, tearful nights. I really do think the tide is starting to turn!
Oh, I hope so.
I try to keep hoping. We all have to hold on to our hope. Also, we need to all do whatever we can to fight this.
As a mother of a son in his early thirties, I want to thank you for such wise advise. This experience is so heartbreaking and emotionally draining that we lose sight of taking care of our own mental health and of those around us, whom are also struggling and proccessing this in their own way.
Thank you. I'll keep this somewhere I can read it often. This is helpful. But I can't promise I will stop obsessing today...
Thank you for writing this. We’re in the same situation. It is so painful as my daughter and I were very close until she was locked down at college and became indoctrinated. She already knew I had some concerns about the trans movement telling girls who are tomboys (as I was) or who are just uncomfortable in their bodies (as most are at some point!) that they are not really female. So she cut me off once she started taking hormones because I expressed that she is perfect and wonderful just the way she is, no need to medicalize her healthy body. I’ve been in shock and grieving, reading everything I can to figure out how to help. This is very helpful, not giving up, not becoming hardened, but just being patient and keeping a hopeful perspective. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The timing; I really needed this.
Such good information. It has been hard for me as my son is 18, and an adult. However, his depression is so bad he is unable to function and needed to be hospitalized. So, when does he "grow up" and be the adult? The hospital won't tell me anything without his approval, so I sit blindly and pray for him to leave the cult. I wish someone would address the depression as the main issue.
I always talk about how I'm lucky I'm too old for the trans cult to have gotten hold of me because I'm sure I would have been transitioned. I'm even luckier that my now 32-year-old sensitive, high-functioning autistic son is too old for them to have gotten hold of him. He accepts himself now, but he went through a phase where he really didn't much enjoy being himself. He never expressed any belief that he was a girl, but he had lots of female friends. I read somewhere that's one of the supposed (ridiculous) signs of actually being the other sex: having lots of friends of the opposite sex. He also had long hair until he was 12 years old when he allowed one of his female friends to practice her hairstyling skills on him. Since then, he's always had a buzz cut. But of course deviating from rigid sex stereotypes even slightly is a sure sign of being trans! (/s)
My son had female friends because they saw him as non-threatening. They knew he wouldn't try to coerce them into things they weren't ready for. The most aggressive advance he ever made was asking a girl if she wanted to go for coffee sometime.
Just found out my daughter has been taking drugs for "a few months." After she told me, just a month before she started, promised me, that she would at least let us know if she started. I feel so betrayed, in addition to the devastation of her starting drugs.
The insurance question is not even a question. This country has made transitioning as easy as possible. If I drop her, the ACA is always there. At least this way she has a 4K deductible for out of network, which her psychiatrist is (who she insists is an endocrinologist even though she is billing as a psychiatrist, a red flag I pointed out to her that she does not care about.)
She wants me to go to therapy to "learn to deal with it." I offered that I would go to family counseling with her and she agreed. She gets defensive when I try to converse with her so maybe that will help.
Thank you for your very timely, at least for me, and helpful post. I am so ready to move on with my life at this point. But unfortunately she still has college to get through.
"I can play along with you, as long as you promise me, that you won't harm your body, so no transgendering drugs or operations, is that clear?"
Why would that NOT be the only right thing to say for a loving parent with some selfrespect?
In my daughters case, she just lied and did it anyway. So why would I even offer to play along with her name delusion? Honestly at this point I’m probably just as upset about the betrayal as I am about her starting testosterone. I have been loving and kind for the last three years. She lied anyway. So I’m not sure why I owe her anything about playing along with her delusion.
Marc, if only it worked... For one thing, many of these young people promise and break their promise, others just turn on their parents and leave (while claiming and believing that they were kicked out by their cruel transphobic parents). Not being on a parent's insurance is unlikely to stop someone from transitioning (at least not from taking hormones). I don't know much about healthcare in other countries, but in many places in the USA, transition is covered by Medicaid. Others use credit cards or groupfund. Some are probably selling their bodies or other means. Yes, it may delay a surgery for some (not all). I will do all I can to stop my daughter from transitioning but just saying sternly "No" is unlikely to help.
Sex, gender and sexuality are NOT identity. The are not who you are.
Exactly. Gay people are all delusional. “Lesbians” should just go sleep with men to unlearn their insanity even if they don’t want it. Men should help them with that by forcing them into straight sex. It’s the only way to save their souls.
I think that is meant to be satirical, although i do not understand why i deserve such a reaction. It is not what i am saying. Nobody should be treated disrespectful in such private matters!
Those and others are a part of who you are. What is the point of the effort to be NOT who you are? If you wanted to be a Walrus???
You want to be happy. That is what you are. As you think, so you become, but this medicalisation of psychic confusion is sad and depressing in itself.