Much of what I read and see about gender dysphoria and transgender issues concerns younger children, mainly pre-teen and teens. I’m older (61). So is my daughter (23). And I’ve been in this a long time (coming on four years since she medicalized). In some ways I’m envious of the “younger” parents (or parents of the young). They have some control over the drugs their child takes, surgery, name changes. Don’t get me wrong - dealing with a child who is under the delusion he/she can change sexes is maddening. But experiencing this with an adult child is a slightly different challenge.
Update November 27, '22. I feel done. I had a breakthrough. After foregoing my plans to hang out with my husband for several days during the holiday, and rushing to my son across the country for a (real) crisis: homelessness and abuse, and having him confront and set an ultimatum about his name and pronouns, I wept, I screamed and cried in my rental car. The next day, I told him I would use his name. I don't want to lose him. (see Anticlea's comment about Steve Hassan, cult expert regarding your kids know what you think. It's under Mama's discussion about pronouns below.) I did not agree to pronouns. He is living a very dangerous life, in other ways as well. He is 25. I cannot do anything else for him other than to love him. I am done. I know he knows I love him and he loves me. His friends have offered their affirming moms. He doesn't want their mom, he wants me. We were very close growing up. But, I realize now, what others have been telling me, and now I'm ready to accept it. Let him go. His choices, good or bad, are his, and so are the consequences, no matter how brutal. It feels like having a drug-addicted child. continued...
I will work my hardest to improve my life, dream again, and work on my dreams, with my husband, his dad. I will protect me, prioritize me, and try to read this daily. He doesn't want me to worry about him. Ok, I told him, I'm sure he can take care of himself. He thanked me for trusting him. I don't really. I've known some to fail and end their lives. It doesn't always work out.
But I am working to release that, and I'll continue to pray for him, but let him go to his fate, whatever heartache that may cause. I am helpless to fix it. I know that now. Thank you for this piece. I will remind myself of it daily.
Thank you for your wise words that I read in an hour of desperation over my similarly aged daughter. It is one thing to know what is good for your own survival and mental health and another thing to do it. I am so upset every time I see her.
Why are so many girls wanting to become boys? And, why do women so frequently support these physical and chemical irreversible changes to girls? Why do they believe they can become male and why do they believe that losing their breasts and taking testosterone will make them into a male? Why do they believe genetic males who transition to 'female' don't have a physical advantage? Anyone?
It’s good to stay mentally positive as you have shown. I appreciate what you have shared. My daughter is now 18 and I just have to let it be. She hasn’t done any trans medicalizing so far, for which I am grateful, but I have to brace myself for a day she might choose it. God, I hope not ever. That would be a day of horror for me. I’ve told her she’d have severe consequences if she ever did. I told her that I don’t think I could handle seeing her destroy her body. But, she chooses her own destiny, not me. I can warn her, but the choice is now hers, not mine. I have to just let go of feeling responsible for her mistakes. I have to bear watching her run her life with this cult ideology. But like you say, she’ll hopefully walk away from it someday and life will take on other challenges.
I don’t understand how corruption has taken over the country to the point that destroying a healthy body is done in the name of care. I don’t understand how this has permeated our whole society. It’s crazy. Our country is being manipulated by powerful evil individuals who hate children, youth and family life. They are the destroyers. Family is everything to me.
I'm in your boat. My son "announced" this when he was in HS. Had turned 18. This has affected my health, so seeing what you wrote has helped me. My son has lied non-stop since starting hormones, had bottom surgery without telling me. If he had died, I would have never known. I need to follow your advice.
As a mother of a son in his early thirties, I want to thank you for such wise advise. This experience is so heartbreaking and emotionally draining that we lose sight of taking care of our own mental health and of those around us, whom are also struggling and proccessing this in their own way.
Thank you for writing this. We’re in the same situation. It is so painful as my daughter and I were very close until she was locked down at college and became indoctrinated. She already knew I had some concerns about the trans movement telling girls who are tomboys (as I was) or who are just uncomfortable in their bodies (as most are at some point!) that they are not really female. So she cut me off once she started taking hormones because I expressed that she is perfect and wonderful just the way she is, no need to medicalize her healthy body. I’ve been in shock and grieving, reading everything I can to figure out how to help. This is very helpful, not giving up, not becoming hardened, but just being patient and keeping a hopeful perspective. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The timing; I really needed this.
Such good information. It has been hard for me as my son is 18, and an adult. However, his depression is so bad he is unable to function and needed to be hospitalized. So, when does he "grow up" and be the adult? The hospital won't tell me anything without his approval, so I sit blindly and pray for him to leave the cult. I wish someone would address the depression as the main issue.
Just found out my daughter has been taking drugs for "a few months." After she told me, just a month before she started, promised me, that she would at least let us know if she started. I feel so betrayed, in addition to the devastation of her starting drugs.
The insurance question is not even a question. This country has made transitioning as easy as possible. If I drop her, the ACA is always there. At least this way she has a 4K deductible for out of network, which her psychiatrist is (who she insists is an endocrinologist even though she is billing as a psychiatrist, a red flag I pointed out to her that she does not care about.)
She wants me to go to therapy to "learn to deal with it." I offered that I would go to family counseling with her and she agreed. She gets defensive when I try to converse with her so maybe that will help.
Thank you for your very timely, at least for me, and helpful post. I am so ready to move on with my life at this point. But unfortunately she still has college to get through.
Update November 27, '22. I feel done. I had a breakthrough. After foregoing my plans to hang out with my husband for several days during the holiday, and rushing to my son across the country for a (real) crisis: homelessness and abuse, and having him confront and set an ultimatum about his name and pronouns, I wept, I screamed and cried in my rental car. The next day, I told him I would use his name. I don't want to lose him. (see Anticlea's comment about Steve Hassan, cult expert regarding your kids know what you think. It's under Mama's discussion about pronouns below.) I did not agree to pronouns. He is living a very dangerous life, in other ways as well. He is 25. I cannot do anything else for him other than to love him. I am done. I know he knows I love him and he loves me. His friends have offered their affirming moms. He doesn't want their mom, he wants me. We were very close growing up. But, I realize now, what others have been telling me, and now I'm ready to accept it. Let him go. His choices, good or bad, are his, and so are the consequences, no matter how brutal. It feels like having a drug-addicted child. continued...
I will work my hardest to improve my life, dream again, and work on my dreams, with my husband, his dad. I will protect me, prioritize me, and try to read this daily. He doesn't want me to worry about him. Ok, I told him, I'm sure he can take care of himself. He thanked me for trusting him. I don't really. I've known some to fail and end their lives. It doesn't always work out.
But I am working to release that, and I'll continue to pray for him, but let him go to his fate, whatever heartache that may cause. I am helpless to fix it. I know that now. Thank you for this piece. I will remind myself of it daily.
Thank you for your wise words that I read in an hour of desperation over my similarly aged daughter. It is one thing to know what is good for your own survival and mental health and another thing to do it. I am so upset every time I see her.
Exactly
Why are so many girls wanting to become boys? And, why do women so frequently support these physical and chemical irreversible changes to girls? Why do they believe they can become male and why do they believe that losing their breasts and taking testosterone will make them into a male? Why do they believe genetic males who transition to 'female' don't have a physical advantage? Anyone?
Thank you.
It’s good to stay mentally positive as you have shown. I appreciate what you have shared. My daughter is now 18 and I just have to let it be. She hasn’t done any trans medicalizing so far, for which I am grateful, but I have to brace myself for a day she might choose it. God, I hope not ever. That would be a day of horror for me. I’ve told her she’d have severe consequences if she ever did. I told her that I don’t think I could handle seeing her destroy her body. But, she chooses her own destiny, not me. I can warn her, but the choice is now hers, not mine. I have to just let go of feeling responsible for her mistakes. I have to bear watching her run her life with this cult ideology. But like you say, she’ll hopefully walk away from it someday and life will take on other challenges.
I don’t understand how corruption has taken over the country to the point that destroying a healthy body is done in the name of care. I don’t understand how this has permeated our whole society. It’s crazy. Our country is being manipulated by powerful evil individuals who hate children, youth and family life. They are the destroyers. Family is everything to me.
Thank you.
I'm in your boat. My son "announced" this when he was in HS. Had turned 18. This has affected my health, so seeing what you wrote has helped me. My son has lied non-stop since starting hormones, had bottom surgery without telling me. If he had died, I would have never known. I need to follow your advice.
As a mother of a son in his early thirties, I want to thank you for such wise advise. This experience is so heartbreaking and emotionally draining that we lose sight of taking care of our own mental health and of those around us, whom are also struggling and proccessing this in their own way.
Thank you. I'll keep this somewhere I can read it often. This is helpful. But I can't promise I will stop obsessing today...
Thank you for writing this. We’re in the same situation. It is so painful as my daughter and I were very close until she was locked down at college and became indoctrinated. She already knew I had some concerns about the trans movement telling girls who are tomboys (as I was) or who are just uncomfortable in their bodies (as most are at some point!) that they are not really female. So she cut me off once she started taking hormones because I expressed that she is perfect and wonderful just the way she is, no need to medicalize her healthy body. I’ve been in shock and grieving, reading everything I can to figure out how to help. This is very helpful, not giving up, not becoming hardened, but just being patient and keeping a hopeful perspective. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The timing; I really needed this.
Such good information. It has been hard for me as my son is 18, and an adult. However, his depression is so bad he is unable to function and needed to be hospitalized. So, when does he "grow up" and be the adult? The hospital won't tell me anything without his approval, so I sit blindly and pray for him to leave the cult. I wish someone would address the depression as the main issue.
Just found out my daughter has been taking drugs for "a few months." After she told me, just a month before she started, promised me, that she would at least let us know if she started. I feel so betrayed, in addition to the devastation of her starting drugs.
The insurance question is not even a question. This country has made transitioning as easy as possible. If I drop her, the ACA is always there. At least this way she has a 4K deductible for out of network, which her psychiatrist is (who she insists is an endocrinologist even though she is billing as a psychiatrist, a red flag I pointed out to her that she does not care about.)
She wants me to go to therapy to "learn to deal with it." I offered that I would go to family counseling with her and she agreed. She gets defensive when I try to converse with her so maybe that will help.
Thank you for your very timely, at least for me, and helpful post. I am so ready to move on with my life at this point. But unfortunately she still has college to get through.
"I can play along with you, as long as you promise me, that you won't harm your body, so no transgendering drugs or operations, is that clear?"
Why would that NOT be the only right thing to say for a loving parent with some selfrespect?
Sex, gender and sexuality are NOT identity. The are not who you are.