Girl, restarted
This is the third essay from this parent telling her daughter’s story. Part one and part two are here.
My daughter spent four years identifying as a "trans boy". During those years it felt like I was grasping, trying to pull her out while she was hanging off the edge of a cliff. She was simultaneously trying to free herself, screaming and biting my hand, while holding on for dear life. “I hate you, let go! Mom, mom, please help me. Don’t leave me. Don't let go!!”
She sunk into the hole of self-deception and misery as a 14-year-old girl and emerged as an 18-year-old woman, not quite sure how to act like one. For a couple of months I watched with hope and pain as she tried to stuff four years of missed girlhood into one summer of trashy outfits.
Why did she desist? I don’t know. If you are a believer, you may say that my constant, desperate prayers were answered. (I don’t belong to any specific religion). If you are inclined to interpret things from an evolutionary standpoint, you may say that her primal survival and reproductive instincts kicked in. You may think that my strategy helped – while we rarely talked about her transgender identity, she knew I would never go along with it. You may say that we just were lucky. I do think most of our kids who found trans identity while young and still living at home, will desist. With some TLC (truthful loving care) from the parents, trans fever will run its course and break.
My daughter's fever broke, but the virus is still in her mind. She is still an "ally" and now more than a year after she desisted, I cannot fully relax. Don't get me wrong, I am immensely, immensely grateful and relieved that she desisted. However, as an ally, she is still a danger to herself and others. Sometimes I lay sleepless at night, ridden with fear and guilt. I should have done more to help her desist quicker. I should have done more to guide her away from the ideology. I made many mistakes of cowardice for which I have no excuse. During rare, painful confrontations I was tongue-tied and never satisfied with what I said.
And so... here you are reading our story, rooting for us as we all do for one another. Are you a mom of a college aged son who now goes by “Zoe” in part because my daughter voted for that name on reddit? Are you a dad of a 17-year-old daughter who hides a binder in her school backpack in part because three years ago a friendly “trans boy” invited her to a GSA meeting? I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.
You rarely hear this idea expressed. Everyone pities the kids trapped in the trans cult but they are guilty of recruiting other kids. That's part of being a cult so they are not 100% responsible. They are not really "saved" until they turn around and recognise the damage they have caused and recognise the trans cult for what it is. I think that it takes at least half the time you are in the cult to recover from it.
Thank you for sharing this! We're praying for our daughter to come out of this too. She started at 24 and is now just 27. She never showed signs of wanting to be "male" (regressive sexist stereotypes I guess?) before that. Sweet, maternal, gentle and proud of her body. We researched everything and found that underneath it all, "affirmation gender care" is a lot of nonsense backed by fake studies, fraudulent data, TikTok surveys and profiteering bias, so we have refused to affirm. It's terrifying, but every bit of research out there seems clear, the only way out of this is to not affirm. We just made it very clear that we love her so much, and because of that, we're not affirming this dangerous path for her. It's so scary. Bravo mom! Thank you so much for sharing this. I needed to hear this today. It may not work, but it's something. So happy for you. So sad you had to go through this crap!