This is a much needed peaceful post. These kids are prodigals with a medical scandal responsible for abusing them, having them believe the parents are the problem and everyone who doesn't bend to their demands. It will go down in flames as the worst medical scandal/cult in history. Sterilizing our youth should have been the first red flag. Pray constantly for your children in this that they recover.
So many of us feel the same as this author. We've been in and out of estrangement in the 10 years that my 29 year old son has been caught up in this. He'll be coming home for the first time in a year for Christmas eve dinner with his trans-identified female wife, a person, I suspect, may part of the reason for the current estrangement. Yes, we fret over what to put on the gift tags (that answer will be different for each parent here). As for gifts, we went with shop cards for restaurants and big box stores. I cannot make anything personal. We will do our best to be genuinely warm and inviting, despite any snubbing we've received in the past. Afterall, we love our son and none of that has changed (or ever will).
I would like to add one very important piece of advice to all who feel as if their lifetime of love and caring for their child has been thrown in the dumpster. Don't waste all that pent-up love and generosity. There are so many really needy and hurting people who would be overwhelmed with joy if you would shower that love upon them. Our church sponsored a choir from South Africa to come and perform and I volunteered to be part of the team to feed and care for them. Their smiles, hugs and appreciation remind me of what this season is really about. Find those (or even one person) who may need a meal or some special care and be the one who brings it to them. It really helps ease those conflicted feelings. We are all doing the best we can.
We have not celebrated with extended family since our first child was a baby. Our families on both sides are mostly quite toxic, and the ones who aren't toxic celebrate with the ones who are. So we have been skipping that for almost 30 years.
Instead, we stay home and have a cozy day around the fire with just us and our kids. These are people who know what's going on in this family. They understand if someone is suffering. They might be on one side or the other of an estrangement, or they might be on the fence, but they can't deny that parents have a different reaction to the loss of a family member than siblings do.
We also have a gratitude ceremony that we do around the dinner table. I established it decades ago, so our children would have that grounding in their lives. We each say something we're grateful for. We have a taste of salt to remind of those who are suffering and need our compassion, and we have a taste of sweet to remind us that life is sweet. Then we have a moment of quiet, in which we all close our eyes and sit feeling the love in our hearts. Then we hold hands and say to each other, "I love you."
You might break down crying. Or you might not. But either way, it truly helps to express what you're grateful for, in that one single moment.
Complicated grief is right! 4th Christmas without our young adult daughter now- 21. She didn't respond to multiple attempts to contact her / invite her home. Nothing... Our other daughter said she didn't even want her home, at this point! I was triggered recently and posted something on SM. A handful of old friends were empathetic and more people are starting to understand the evil that is the death cult of *trans* / *gender ideology *. My husband and I are accepting an invitation to a Christmas Eve party, to try to enjoy the holidays. Other daughter has plans too, so we'll have a few hours together on Christmas Day, then wake up the next day, hopefully proud that we survived, again. The missing stocking hung is a real trigger. Her ornaments are stashed away, in a box. Her favorite decorations were left packed. The hole in my heart never heals.
“ blessed be the God and father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who, according to his abundant in Mercy, has begotten us again to a living Hope, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance, incorruptible and undefiled that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation, ready to be revealed in the last time. In this, you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while if need be, you have been grieved by various trials that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that parishes, though it is tested by fire may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom have a not seeing you love. “ I Peter 3-8. It is by these Words that the Lord left for us that speak of how our sufferings perfect our faith and how the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, guards our hearts and minds to Jesus Christ, knowing that our loving, compassionate and faithful God is carrying us through these painful and troubling times of life that brings me comfort. He is the only perfect father who cares deeply for his children, and will not abandon us. He is close to the brokenhearted. Emmanuel- God with us!🙌💒🎄
I don’t care what any therapist has to say, whether in private practice or academia. Their profession provided the intellectual impetus to this movement and gave it a monopoly on our children’s sexual destinies.
I understand and share your desperation, but western psychiatry is not the place to find comfort and wisdom. We have the wisdom and let us tell them how to reform their profession.
Doctor Grossman is correct and the advice is sound from a human behavior standpoint.
That said, we celebrate Christmas to honor God having sent his only son to live, teach and die for our sins.
Mourn and grieve as much as needed, but remember that Santa Claus is not Jesus. Honor Christ's birth in expression of faith. The celebratory trappings are unnecessary and there is psychological value in holding the sanctity of Christ's being born into this world of sorrow and woe, to share our human trouble and misery before his crucifixion and ascension.
Make the effort to place a small shrine in honor of the virgin birth, in a corner of the room somewhere. There is a center within all of us, still, even in the face of sorrow and suffering.
It is a time for courage, and one must go down fighting and come up swinging. There is merit and value in refusing to allow oneself to become utterly undone by the suffering of our children. Allow faith to provide its measure of strength.
"I am a poor wayfaring stranger
Journeying through this world of woe
There is no sickness toil or danger
In that bright world to which I go."
Salvation and succor is the promise of our Lord's birth. No need to "put on a happy face," but make that concession to quietly honor our redeemer.
Having lived with this since 2016, and the complete rejection since 2017, all I can say, by word of advice is, “Make the best of what you’ve got.” That is my morning mantra with the makeup box beside me under the bathroom mirror as I try to mitigate the effects of aging. But it also applies to everything in my life that I cannot change (see also, the Serenity Prayer). So much of life is unexpected, out of our control, unasked for crap. Seriously. As an OCD person, very goal oriented (lawyer, former small business owner), it is VERY HARD for me to accept what I cannot change, and if not *accept*, at least live with. But a surprise cancer diagnosis following a routine mammogram in 1999 and my dad being hit (and killed) by a car that went off the road in 2009, prepared me. Yes, I am a walking wounded, and if made to talk about my losses to any extent, I do start to cry. So, I try to live my life as best I can, knowing my two youngest adult children’s choices are also out of my control. I try to be grateful for what I have and also for what I’ve had in my life and leave it in God’s hands. Have a Merry Christmas everyone!
A worthy repost. And yes to this: "Shopping for the child who’s declared that he/she is not our son/daughter feels as if the floor of the mall has become lava. We tip-toe around, trying not to get burned. We look for neutral items which makes finding a present an impersonal and painful task."
I sent my daughter Christmas cookies that we used to make together with a card that didn't use her name at all except her last name only on the shipping box. Perhaps she will eat them or throw them out. But I acknowledged the holiday and her and said "I love you" in the card.
This is my second Christmas with no tree or gifts for me, and I'll spend the day alone. I'm not looking for pity. I got through it last year, and I will get through it again this year.
I know I am not really alone because I believe in God, and because of the parents in this group.
I send strength to all out there hurting right now.
Thank you for reposting this. There are so many of us hurting. Every week, I meet more parents who are estranged because of the this mind bending cult.
Thank you for this, I needed it today, well everyday! My son contacted me again and said he is moving and will not be reveal his address to me! Another slap in my already badly bruised soul! He hates me although he says he loves me, puts me in mentally ill categories because I am Catholic and calls me horrid names. Everyday I cry for him as I have thru out your essay.
The holidays for me are particularly sad since I’m divorced, my other child is 3000 miles away, I just saw her for Thanksgiving and my 75th birthday but not a word from my 35 year old son who says he has turned into a beautiful woman and one I’ll probably never get to see again in my life! He is incredibly mean to me and no matter what I apologize for or ask him why he treats me this way I get nasty answers or none at all. So I used to love Christmas but now all I really care about is celebrating the birth of Jesus albeit alone. No one in my life has ever apologized to me or given me a break in life. I struggle and suffer silently except on here where I bear all. Anyway I’m particularly tearful this morning so excuse me but Thank you for all your advice. Blessings to all parents affected by transgender lies.
I'm so very sorry for the excruciating heartache you are going through.
I don't know his story but for men who "transitioned" later in life, it has more to do with heavy fetishism becoming reality that actual identity confusion. Regardless, he is exhibiting all the signs of a sadistic emotional tyrant. He clearly only contacted you to torture you a little more. As sad it is to say, you are better off without him and his abusive demeanor. You are only 75. You have many good years ahead. There are a lot of people out there who mourn the loss of a mom or are craving a mother figure and who would welcome the kindness of your loving heart. I have suggestions where to meet those people if you are interested. I pray your son will change and it's very possible he'll come to his senses and realizes how incredibly nasty and cruel he has been towards you. But in the meantime, you need to take a good loving care of yourself and protect your heart. Your daughter is far but she does love you and came to celebrate you and with you. Hold on dearly to those recent wonderful memories. More will come.
There are a lot of kids out there that would love for you to be their grandma/ grandma figure even if they are not your bio grandkids. I pray you'll meet people who will be delighted to receive your kindness and affection ❣️
Love your kind words Helene. My son is in the silent zone for about 6 months and I still try to reach out. Nothing heavy just Hello. Then I accept the silence.
Helene now that the truth is finally coming out slowly in the media, do you think it’s possible for our adult children to actually think maybe they made a wrong choice? Or do you think if they are 3 years in and on hormones, it will just make them more upset and go deeper? I pray they see the truth and take a step back and see they were in a cult. Just curious what you think? I’m seeing a lot of articles and praying some of them reach my child to see maybe he was wrong.
Merry Christmas to you. Mine is going to be quiet but I’m ok with that. Hugs
Just out of pure self respect, I have to answer yes to your question, given that it took me 10 years to start realizing and fully admit to myself that I made a mistake and I was WRONG. But truly, I have seen it over and over. Coming to terms with what we did to ourselves and our loved ones might take a different form depending the person and their level of involvement in the gender scam and degree of estrangement with family. An unexpected text, a surprising visit or phone call, a change for the best in the usual aggressivity/ nastiness ...are all signs that a shift is happening. Welcome it when it does and give them space and time...because change doesn't happen overnight. Yes, the trans boat of lies is sinking and your kids of any age have more opportunity than ever to escape. Your 3 rules: I'll be patient, I'll be welcoming (and forgiving) when the time comes and I will prioritize taking good tender care of myself in the meantime.
You have every reason to be hopeful even if it doesn't feel like it
It's so heartbreaking what many of our kids have done to themselves and to us. It's hard to fathom how they came to become this way other than this is a mind-bending cult. I do hope he comes out of the cult and you both can heal the relationship.
To all who are hurting and alone this season, I wish you peace that only our Savior can give. I share your brokenness and hurt with my own daughter’s choices. Im praying for you. Merry Christmas.
This is a much needed peaceful post. These kids are prodigals with a medical scandal responsible for abusing them, having them believe the parents are the problem and everyone who doesn't bend to their demands. It will go down in flames as the worst medical scandal/cult in history. Sterilizing our youth should have been the first red flag. Pray constantly for your children in this that they recover.
So many of us feel the same as this author. We've been in and out of estrangement in the 10 years that my 29 year old son has been caught up in this. He'll be coming home for the first time in a year for Christmas eve dinner with his trans-identified female wife, a person, I suspect, may part of the reason for the current estrangement. Yes, we fret over what to put on the gift tags (that answer will be different for each parent here). As for gifts, we went with shop cards for restaurants and big box stores. I cannot make anything personal. We will do our best to be genuinely warm and inviting, despite any snubbing we've received in the past. Afterall, we love our son and none of that has changed (or ever will).
I would like to add one very important piece of advice to all who feel as if their lifetime of love and caring for their child has been thrown in the dumpster. Don't waste all that pent-up love and generosity. There are so many really needy and hurting people who would be overwhelmed with joy if you would shower that love upon them. Our church sponsored a choir from South Africa to come and perform and I volunteered to be part of the team to feed and care for them. Their smiles, hugs and appreciation remind me of what this season is really about. Find those (or even one person) who may need a meal or some special care and be the one who brings it to them. It really helps ease those conflicted feelings. We are all doing the best we can.
On the subject of skipping the celebrations:
We have not celebrated with extended family since our first child was a baby. Our families on both sides are mostly quite toxic, and the ones who aren't toxic celebrate with the ones who are. So we have been skipping that for almost 30 years.
Instead, we stay home and have a cozy day around the fire with just us and our kids. These are people who know what's going on in this family. They understand if someone is suffering. They might be on one side or the other of an estrangement, or they might be on the fence, but they can't deny that parents have a different reaction to the loss of a family member than siblings do.
We also have a gratitude ceremony that we do around the dinner table. I established it decades ago, so our children would have that grounding in their lives. We each say something we're grateful for. We have a taste of salt to remind of those who are suffering and need our compassion, and we have a taste of sweet to remind us that life is sweet. Then we have a moment of quiet, in which we all close our eyes and sit feeling the love in our hearts. Then we hold hands and say to each other, "I love you."
You might break down crying. Or you might not. But either way, it truly helps to express what you're grateful for, in that one single moment.
Complicated grief is right! 4th Christmas without our young adult daughter now- 21. She didn't respond to multiple attempts to contact her / invite her home. Nothing... Our other daughter said she didn't even want her home, at this point! I was triggered recently and posted something on SM. A handful of old friends were empathetic and more people are starting to understand the evil that is the death cult of *trans* / *gender ideology *. My husband and I are accepting an invitation to a Christmas Eve party, to try to enjoy the holidays. Other daughter has plans too, so we'll have a few hours together on Christmas Day, then wake up the next day, hopefully proud that we survived, again. The missing stocking hung is a real trigger. Her ornaments are stashed away, in a box. Her favorite decorations were left packed. The hole in my heart never heals.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this. I needed it badly.
“ blessed be the God and father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who, according to his abundant in Mercy, has begotten us again to a living Hope, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance, incorruptible and undefiled that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation, ready to be revealed in the last time. In this, you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while if need be, you have been grieved by various trials that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that parishes, though it is tested by fire may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom have a not seeing you love. “ I Peter 3-8. It is by these Words that the Lord left for us that speak of how our sufferings perfect our faith and how the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, guards our hearts and minds to Jesus Christ, knowing that our loving, compassionate and faithful God is carrying us through these painful and troubling times of life that brings me comfort. He is the only perfect father who cares deeply for his children, and will not abandon us. He is close to the brokenhearted. Emmanuel- God with us!🙌💒🎄
I don’t care what any therapist has to say, whether in private practice or academia. Their profession provided the intellectual impetus to this movement and gave it a monopoly on our children’s sexual destinies.
I understand and share your desperation, but western psychiatry is not the place to find comfort and wisdom. We have the wisdom and let us tell them how to reform their profession.
In general, I agree. Psychiatry is not a hard science. But there are some, like Grossman, who have practical knowledge.
Doctor Grossman is correct and the advice is sound from a human behavior standpoint.
That said, we celebrate Christmas to honor God having sent his only son to live, teach and die for our sins.
Mourn and grieve as much as needed, but remember that Santa Claus is not Jesus. Honor Christ's birth in expression of faith. The celebratory trappings are unnecessary and there is psychological value in holding the sanctity of Christ's being born into this world of sorrow and woe, to share our human trouble and misery before his crucifixion and ascension.
Make the effort to place a small shrine in honor of the virgin birth, in a corner of the room somewhere. There is a center within all of us, still, even in the face of sorrow and suffering.
It is a time for courage, and one must go down fighting and come up swinging. There is merit and value in refusing to allow oneself to become utterly undone by the suffering of our children. Allow faith to provide its measure of strength.
"I am a poor wayfaring stranger
Journeying through this world of woe
There is no sickness toil or danger
In that bright world to which I go."
Salvation and succor is the promise of our Lord's birth. No need to "put on a happy face," but make that concession to quietly honor our redeemer.
Having lived with this since 2016, and the complete rejection since 2017, all I can say, by word of advice is, “Make the best of what you’ve got.” That is my morning mantra with the makeup box beside me under the bathroom mirror as I try to mitigate the effects of aging. But it also applies to everything in my life that I cannot change (see also, the Serenity Prayer). So much of life is unexpected, out of our control, unasked for crap. Seriously. As an OCD person, very goal oriented (lawyer, former small business owner), it is VERY HARD for me to accept what I cannot change, and if not *accept*, at least live with. But a surprise cancer diagnosis following a routine mammogram in 1999 and my dad being hit (and killed) by a car that went off the road in 2009, prepared me. Yes, I am a walking wounded, and if made to talk about my losses to any extent, I do start to cry. So, I try to live my life as best I can, knowing my two youngest adult children’s choices are also out of my control. I try to be grateful for what I have and also for what I’ve had in my life and leave it in God’s hands. Have a Merry Christmas everyone!
You have two children with unfortunate choices? You have my sympathy and love.
A worthy repost. And yes to this: "Shopping for the child who’s declared that he/she is not our son/daughter feels as if the floor of the mall has become lava. We tip-toe around, trying not to get burned. We look for neutral items which makes finding a present an impersonal and painful task."
I sent my daughter Christmas cookies that we used to make together with a card that didn't use her name at all except her last name only on the shipping box. Perhaps she will eat them or throw them out. But I acknowledged the holiday and her and said "I love you" in the card.
This is my second Christmas with no tree or gifts for me, and I'll spend the day alone. I'm not looking for pity. I got through it last year, and I will get through it again this year.
I know I am not really alone because I believe in God, and because of the parents in this group.
I send strength to all out there hurting right now.
Tears
Thank you for reposting this. There are so many of us hurting. Every week, I meet more parents who are estranged because of the this mind bending cult.
Thanks for quoting heavily from Miriam Grossman. God Bless, and Merry Christmas.
Dr Grossman is the best!
Thank you for this, I needed it today, well everyday! My son contacted me again and said he is moving and will not be reveal his address to me! Another slap in my already badly bruised soul! He hates me although he says he loves me, puts me in mentally ill categories because I am Catholic and calls me horrid names. Everyday I cry for him as I have thru out your essay.
The holidays for me are particularly sad since I’m divorced, my other child is 3000 miles away, I just saw her for Thanksgiving and my 75th birthday but not a word from my 35 year old son who says he has turned into a beautiful woman and one I’ll probably never get to see again in my life! He is incredibly mean to me and no matter what I apologize for or ask him why he treats me this way I get nasty answers or none at all. So I used to love Christmas but now all I really care about is celebrating the birth of Jesus albeit alone. No one in my life has ever apologized to me or given me a break in life. I struggle and suffer silently except on here where I bear all. Anyway I’m particularly tearful this morning so excuse me but Thank you for all your advice. Blessings to all parents affected by transgender lies.
We are with you. Hugs.
I'm so very sorry for the excruciating heartache you are going through.
I don't know his story but for men who "transitioned" later in life, it has more to do with heavy fetishism becoming reality that actual identity confusion. Regardless, he is exhibiting all the signs of a sadistic emotional tyrant. He clearly only contacted you to torture you a little more. As sad it is to say, you are better off without him and his abusive demeanor. You are only 75. You have many good years ahead. There are a lot of people out there who mourn the loss of a mom or are craving a mother figure and who would welcome the kindness of your loving heart. I have suggestions where to meet those people if you are interested. I pray your son will change and it's very possible he'll come to his senses and realizes how incredibly nasty and cruel he has been towards you. But in the meantime, you need to take a good loving care of yourself and protect your heart. Your daughter is far but she does love you and came to celebrate you and with you. Hold on dearly to those recent wonderful memories. More will come.
Don't lose hope.
Thank you I’d love to be a grandmother but sadly I don’t think I’ll get a chance for that. I love children
There are a lot of kids out there that would love for you to be their grandma/ grandma figure even if they are not your bio grandkids. I pray you'll meet people who will be delighted to receive your kindness and affection ❣️
Love your kind words Helene. My son is in the silent zone for about 6 months and I still try to reach out. Nothing heavy just Hello. Then I accept the silence.
Helene now that the truth is finally coming out slowly in the media, do you think it’s possible for our adult children to actually think maybe they made a wrong choice? Or do you think if they are 3 years in and on hormones, it will just make them more upset and go deeper? I pray they see the truth and take a step back and see they were in a cult. Just curious what you think? I’m seeing a lot of articles and praying some of them reach my child to see maybe he was wrong.
Merry Christmas to you. Mine is going to be quiet but I’m ok with that. Hugs
Just out of pure self respect, I have to answer yes to your question, given that it took me 10 years to start realizing and fully admit to myself that I made a mistake and I was WRONG. But truly, I have seen it over and over. Coming to terms with what we did to ourselves and our loved ones might take a different form depending the person and their level of involvement in the gender scam and degree of estrangement with family. An unexpected text, a surprising visit or phone call, a change for the best in the usual aggressivity/ nastiness ...are all signs that a shift is happening. Welcome it when it does and give them space and time...because change doesn't happen overnight. Yes, the trans boat of lies is sinking and your kids of any age have more opportunity than ever to escape. Your 3 rules: I'll be patient, I'll be welcoming (and forgiving) when the time comes and I will prioritize taking good tender care of myself in the meantime.
You have every reason to be hopeful even if it doesn't feel like it
I wish you a joyful and meaningful Christmas.
Hugs to you. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year with all your hopes and dreams come true.
It's so heartbreaking what many of our kids have done to themselves and to us. It's hard to fathom how they came to become this way other than this is a mind-bending cult. I do hope he comes out of the cult and you both can heal the relationship.
Thank you
To all who are hurting and alone this season, I wish you peace that only our Savior can give. I share your brokenness and hurt with my own daughter’s choices. Im praying for you. Merry Christmas.
Beautiful piece with helpful tips and worthy reminders. 💔🎄🙏