I wrote the following letter to my daughter’s school at the beginning of her first year of high school, after she spent most of 8th grade identified as a boy. As you will read, we made many changes over the summer, and saw a big difference in our child’s mental and physical health. The head of school replied to my letter, ensuring me that pronouns would not be asked for at the start of classes and that gender would not be a focus in school. She said that we would be notified if our child asked for alternate names and pronouns, which happened a few weeks later. She said she would remind teachers of this part of the school’s stated belief, which reads:
An excellent template for all. How refreshing to read such constructive wisdom. Very happy for all of you and that your daughter seems to be thriving. Yes!
We moved to a new city when our daughter was in the depths of depression and gender confusion. Before school started, I requested a meeting with the high school principal and communicated approximately the same sentiments that you put in your letter. The principal agreed that the school would support our wishes as parents, though at the same time there were other families with trans-identified kids who were taking a different tack. When school started in September, our daughter told me (gleefully) that she was addressed as a boy by several of her new teachers. I immediately contacted the principal and he apologised and said he had forgotten to get the message out to all the teachers concerning our daughter. The scenario repeated itself a few more times before the teachers finally understood that M. was a girl and they were to address and treat her accordingly. It was all very messy, and unnecessarily so . . .
I'm so sorry you went through that, how frustrating! I think it helps that our school is small and a charter school. But sometimes we have to keep asking til we get what our kids need...
Thanks a lot, so inspiring! I put together a letter to my year 8 daughters school. I understand that we really need to remain diplomatic in our dealings with people if we want to get anywhere.
I shall send the letter I wrote using your beautiful template to many schools.
Does anyone, by chance, know what state that school's written policy is in?? I am currently challenging my local district to acknowledge their written policy as opposed to the "working" policy of deceiving parents and would love to reference the local of THAT particular policy.
I am not revealing our location to protect my child's privacy. I will tell you though, it's a "purple" state and a mid sized city, a charter school in a school of choice district. This school's focus is early college and technical school preparation, and they don't allow political, religious, or ideological student clubs or groups. So there are things like history club and a gaming club, but no GSA. I wish I could just direct everyone to their website, but that could really compromise my kiddo's anonymity.
Excellent way to approach the new school year with your expectations as parents, set the ground rules for your child, and open the door for communication between yourselves and the school authority. I hope your daughter will continue to thrive. Removing all social media and internet access was the best thing you could have done for your daughter. It gave her a chance to detox and relax - there is just too much information for young minds to process and too much of it is toxic. Bravo! Wishing the best for all of you.
I'm gravely concerned about your child's safety, given that parental deception is the explicitly stated policy of the National Education Association, the US Department of Education, and many state legislatures.
I generally discourage parents from 'outing' themselves as gender critical to school administration for this reason.
I hope that you're one of the fortunate ones, and that your school is being honest. I wish you the best.
However, I'm not optimistic about the state that gender pseudoreligion has left our schools in. While it is true that schools must now contend with the "parent choice" of parents who willingly subject their children to child harm in the name of this new pseudoreligion, I don't think that nonbelievers can rely on the same live-and-let assumptions that they did with regard to other religion in the school setting under the Establishment Clause. The presence of crucifixes, yarmulkes, and head scarves on students doesn't compel other students to share in the beliefs of the practitioners; whereas the presence of neopronouns and nonfactual sexual "identities" does.
Hopefully your child has learned enough to have tired of this cult, and will be able to navigate this unconstitutional compulsion.
But, given that we as adults still find ourselves slipping into apologetic wording, giving lip service to the idea that child abuse is a "right," I think it's premature to assume that a child will be able to do what we ourselves can't.
I'm sad to say that I no longer have any faith that the public education situation is navigable. I don't have the solution. But I suspect that politely acknowledging other parents' "right," to abuse their children in ways that make our own children complicit, is definitely not it.
I find the whole situation heartbreaking. And terrifying.
Katherine your comment made me curious about these national policies. NEA is a labor union and does indeed seem to be captured by gender extremism. Fortunately they can only influence, not create national policy. US Dept of Education is another story, though states and districts do have some level of autonomy. I'm not finding any explicit policies related to parental deception on the national government level, just a lot of diversity/inclusion belief statements and avenues for filing complaints. If you can link to a policy, I'd appreciate it!
As for my daughter, she has desisted and - blessing in disguise - developed fantastic critical thinking and investigative skills through all of this.
Sounds like you have a good school, at least for now.
“Parents are responsible for imparting morals and values taught in their homes including practiced political, religious, and social viewpoints. We trust that they know what is best for their student as the student grows and develops into an adult.”
This is certainly it's better than "we will actively try to queer your child without your knowledge", but it's not a solution.
The entire idea that you can educate a child without "imparting morals and values" is absurd -- that's what education is! This school apparently thinks that morals and values are irrelevant to "preparing kids for college or technical studies", but it is precisely such top-tier positions that require the deepest ethical and value-based education. The Naval War College teaches Thomas Aquinas to this day because they want Admirals that have thought and read deeply about ethics.
The refusal to take an moral position is itself a moral position, specifically, that you value individual autonomy (or as this school would say, familial autonomy) above anything else. Long term, that is a losing proposition for anyone who believes in a moral code of ANY kind. Because such codes and norms always get in the way or someone's personal autonomy.
I agree with the school's policy. People will always have different opinions, religions, views on sexuality and how to live in general. I want my child to understand this and to be strong in the morals imparted by her family. It's a matter of focusing on what we CAN change. We cannot force everyone to think the same way, and that's not job of the secular the public school. The secular public school's job is to teach academics and career readiness.
You say you can't force everyone to think the same way in public school, but there's no escape from it. Even if you're teaching that "all moral systems are equally valid", that's still a moral claim which says, "the highest good is personal belief". I personally think that claim is disastrous, since it produces citizens who abhor any concept of "the common good", without which society can't function. (60 years of such teaching might have some causal relationship to our current political morass in which we debate the meaning of basic words like "woman".)
Otherwise though, I agree with it you. I want to live in a broadly tolerant, liberal society loosely based on Judeo-Christian historical norms, ala 1960-1990. But all evidence indicates that this is not a stable proposition. Enlightenment liberalism is liberationist by its nature. The drive which freed blacks from slavery, frees teenage girls from biology today. But it's the same impulse -- elimination of all external constraints in the name of maximal individual autonomy.
Let me know when you figure out how to change everyone's thinking on this matter lol. Until then, I'll be focusing on protecting my child and leading by quiet example. Best of luck to you. :)
I like the approach you took. Not inflammatory. Very respectful. You modeled behavior that will get you further than writing with anger. It is not enough to be right, you need a seat at the table. You clearly have that with this school. We’ll done!!!
That school is a glimmer of hope and I'm so glad you found it. You are furtunate to be in a purple state, or city, or really anything purple. I am drowning in prideful, self-righteous blue here, 12 miles north of seattle. Statistically, the region is a mess by almost every measure; education, homelessness, trafficking, prices, but somehow it's still the land of the people who know best!
wow. i am so using this to write my own letter. Concise as hell, hits all the main points in a way that is indisputable. Thank you!!!Wish me luck in Commyrado (Colorado)
An excellent template for all. How refreshing to read such constructive wisdom. Very happy for all of you and that your daughter seems to be thriving. Yes!
Well-done!
We moved to a new city when our daughter was in the depths of depression and gender confusion. Before school started, I requested a meeting with the high school principal and communicated approximately the same sentiments that you put in your letter. The principal agreed that the school would support our wishes as parents, though at the same time there were other families with trans-identified kids who were taking a different tack. When school started in September, our daughter told me (gleefully) that she was addressed as a boy by several of her new teachers. I immediately contacted the principal and he apologised and said he had forgotten to get the message out to all the teachers concerning our daughter. The scenario repeated itself a few more times before the teachers finally understood that M. was a girl and they were to address and treat her accordingly. It was all very messy, and unnecessarily so . . .
I'm so sorry you went through that, how frustrating! I think it helps that our school is small and a charter school. But sometimes we have to keep asking til we get what our kids need...
This is absolutely scary: https://legalinsurrection.com/2023/06/new-jersey-sues-school-districts-that-require-parent-notification-of-childs-gender-transition/
Thanks a lot, so inspiring! I put together a letter to my year 8 daughters school. I understand that we really need to remain diplomatic in our dealings with people if we want to get anywhere.
I shall send the letter I wrote using your beautiful template to many schools.
Yep, we have to be the calm and rational ones for sure!
Does anyone, by chance, know what state that school's written policy is in?? I am currently challenging my local district to acknowledge their written policy as opposed to the "working" policy of deceiving parents and would love to reference the local of THAT particular policy.
I am not revealing our location to protect my child's privacy. I will tell you though, it's a "purple" state and a mid sized city, a charter school in a school of choice district. This school's focus is early college and technical school preparation, and they don't allow political, religious, or ideological student clubs or groups. So there are things like history club and a gaming club, but no GSA. I wish I could just direct everyone to their website, but that could really compromise my kiddo's anonymity.
I totally understand. Thank you for the reply🙂
Excellent way to approach the new school year with your expectations as parents, set the ground rules for your child, and open the door for communication between yourselves and the school authority. I hope your daughter will continue to thrive. Removing all social media and internet access was the best thing you could have done for your daughter. It gave her a chance to detox and relax - there is just too much information for young minds to process and too much of it is toxic. Bravo! Wishing the best for all of you.
I'm gravely concerned about your child's safety, given that parental deception is the explicitly stated policy of the National Education Association, the US Department of Education, and many state legislatures.
I generally discourage parents from 'outing' themselves as gender critical to school administration for this reason.
I hope that you're one of the fortunate ones, and that your school is being honest. I wish you the best.
However, I'm not optimistic about the state that gender pseudoreligion has left our schools in. While it is true that schools must now contend with the "parent choice" of parents who willingly subject their children to child harm in the name of this new pseudoreligion, I don't think that nonbelievers can rely on the same live-and-let assumptions that they did with regard to other religion in the school setting under the Establishment Clause. The presence of crucifixes, yarmulkes, and head scarves on students doesn't compel other students to share in the beliefs of the practitioners; whereas the presence of neopronouns and nonfactual sexual "identities" does.
Hopefully your child has learned enough to have tired of this cult, and will be able to navigate this unconstitutional compulsion.
But, given that we as adults still find ourselves slipping into apologetic wording, giving lip service to the idea that child abuse is a "right," I think it's premature to assume that a child will be able to do what we ourselves can't.
I'm sad to say that I no longer have any faith that the public education situation is navigable. I don't have the solution. But I suspect that politely acknowledging other parents' "right," to abuse their children in ways that make our own children complicit, is definitely not it.
I find the whole situation heartbreaking. And terrifying.
Katherine your comment made me curious about these national policies. NEA is a labor union and does indeed seem to be captured by gender extremism. Fortunately they can only influence, not create national policy. US Dept of Education is another story, though states and districts do have some level of autonomy. I'm not finding any explicit policies related to parental deception on the national government level, just a lot of diversity/inclusion belief statements and avenues for filing complaints. If you can link to a policy, I'd appreciate it!
As for my daughter, she has desisted and - blessing in disguise - developed fantastic critical thinking and investigative skills through all of this.
Great letter
Sounds like you have a good school, at least for now.
“Parents are responsible for imparting morals and values taught in their homes including practiced political, religious, and social viewpoints. We trust that they know what is best for their student as the student grows and develops into an adult.”
This is certainly it's better than "we will actively try to queer your child without your knowledge", but it's not a solution.
The entire idea that you can educate a child without "imparting morals and values" is absurd -- that's what education is! This school apparently thinks that morals and values are irrelevant to "preparing kids for college or technical studies", but it is precisely such top-tier positions that require the deepest ethical and value-based education. The Naval War College teaches Thomas Aquinas to this day because they want Admirals that have thought and read deeply about ethics.
The refusal to take an moral position is itself a moral position, specifically, that you value individual autonomy (or as this school would say, familial autonomy) above anything else. Long term, that is a losing proposition for anyone who believes in a moral code of ANY kind. Because such codes and norms always get in the way or someone's personal autonomy.
I agree with the school's policy. People will always have different opinions, religions, views on sexuality and how to live in general. I want my child to understand this and to be strong in the morals imparted by her family. It's a matter of focusing on what we CAN change. We cannot force everyone to think the same way, and that's not job of the secular the public school. The secular public school's job is to teach academics and career readiness.
You say you can't force everyone to think the same way in public school, but there's no escape from it. Even if you're teaching that "all moral systems are equally valid", that's still a moral claim which says, "the highest good is personal belief". I personally think that claim is disastrous, since it produces citizens who abhor any concept of "the common good", without which society can't function. (60 years of such teaching might have some causal relationship to our current political morass in which we debate the meaning of basic words like "woman".)
Otherwise though, I agree with it you. I want to live in a broadly tolerant, liberal society loosely based on Judeo-Christian historical norms, ala 1960-1990. But all evidence indicates that this is not a stable proposition. Enlightenment liberalism is liberationist by its nature. The drive which freed blacks from slavery, frees teenage girls from biology today. But it's the same impulse -- elimination of all external constraints in the name of maximal individual autonomy.
Let me know when you figure out how to change everyone's thinking on this matter lol. Until then, I'll be focusing on protecting my child and leading by quiet example. Best of luck to you. :)
Thank you for sharing! Great job with the school and with your daughter! Very encouraging to hear that the tide might be starting to turn.
A very wise approach.
I like the approach you took. Not inflammatory. Very respectful. You modeled behavior that will get you further than writing with anger. It is not enough to be right, you need a seat at the table. You clearly have that with this school. We’ll done!!!
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That school is a glimmer of hope and I'm so glad you found it. You are furtunate to be in a purple state, or city, or really anything purple. I am drowning in prideful, self-righteous blue here, 12 miles north of seattle. Statistically, the region is a mess by almost every measure; education, homelessness, trafficking, prices, but somehow it's still the land of the people who know best!
wow. i am so using this to write my own letter. Concise as hell, hits all the main points in a way that is indisputable. Thank you!!!Wish me luck in Commyrado (Colorado)