…watch out, because if you get bumped, it's all the way back to Start! SORRY! ~AN EASY GUIDE TO PARENTING YOUR TRANS IDENTIFIED CHILD~ Agree to use their new name and pronouns—you need to pick your battles. Never agree to name changes and pronouns—the goal posts will keep moving.
Excellent summary and guidelines for moving through this current insanity. I would also include Snakes and Ladders and Aggravation. Or, a BINGO card: "get called a bigot", "accused of being too interested in other people's genitals", "told that 'you don't love me for the REAL me'", etc. For more fun and games, check out https://blog.ninapaley.com/ Nina is an excellent artist and proud TERF. When reality gets too depressing, I find comfort in dark humor, snark, and brave people willing to speak the truth.
When I first connected with other parents of trans-identifying kids, the advice was to quit my job, sell my house, and move… somewhere. Work on a commune in Uganda maybe? It left me feeling guilty that I didn't love my son enough to uproot our family and create chaos and uncertainty in our lives. I realized that despite requiring evidence for the medical treatments we were being pressured to consent to for our children, we were expected to, without evidence of success, sacrifice everything in a desperate attempt to save our kids. The parent-blaming is easy to find, even from quarters that should know better, who are quick to point out all of the things we did wrong, with every passing day being yet another opportunity to misstep.
Nothing short of a brilliant post. I have little faith in therapy after two years in this because of exactly this. The advice I agreed with - respect his privacy he’s 17 has now morphed into watch online activity, you pay the bill. Too late now, my son is at university. Had it with therapists - only parents know their own children. Thank you to PITT and this author.
I am sorry every day that my husband and I have been subjected to this awful high stakes game of Sorry that has stolen our precious son. Sorry is an understatement for the emotional devastation the trans cult inflicts on parents.
This is a great depiction of the bottom line for parents - this is ultimately about your connection and attachment to your kid and you and your kid know best. The main thing is to preserve your attachment to them because that’s the way you can influence and parent and if you lose the connection you have no capacity to keep them safe. This is the best piece of parent writing I’ve seen.
I think also, what the writer is trying to convey, is that we can do all the 'right' connecting things and still lose hold of them. Something in the world, perhaps the online world, is pulling them away from us. I never, ever thought I would lose my connection with my beloved child as I was an 'attachment' parent and we were close. Not close in a clingy, enmeshed way, but respectful and kind to each other. I was, and am, a good mom and I lost him anyway.
The University is where my niece was captured. I won't send my boys away now. Local only or possibly GCU online. I have two friends that have kids doing GCU online that haven't come across brainwashing one year in.
Yes because they are ultimately individuals who make their choices and to love them is to accept that. Definitely.
I think tho there’s a lot of people taking advantage of vulnerable desperate parents by giving them unwise advice and relationships are more complicated and messy than we think.
Peer oriented culture draws kids away and renders parents less able to influence their kids. Childhood maltreatment causes long term psychological and health consequences and this includes from peers. We forgot this maybe.
Anyway, the parent-child attachment must compensate for this expected intrusion that’s the reality of parenting today. It’s a monumental sometimes insurmountable task.
And also our kids are getting unwise advice from who know who? Who would advise someone to cut off a loving and caring family. Makes no emotional sense.
You know your child. You didn’t follow other people in everything they told you on every other topic. Yes it’s hard, it’s really horrible. And I really like what you have written – it made me laugh even though that is life. Some parents make me feel like we’re back in the 1950s and they think their kids should be there whole overwhelming total life. And I sympathise with the kids. But many parents are so baffled and they’ve been doing so well. I’m sorry.
Omg this is perfect. With each PITT essay I read I think this is the one, & here I am again, this is the one. Freakin’ impossible. We need to pat ourselves on the back & then some, that we haven’t lost our minds. Exhausting
Wow.! You’ve captured it. Trying to navigate this has been a matter of carefully contemplating each step. It didn’t take long before I was telling parents, “There’s no formula.” What we can do is continue to hold one another up while refusing to bow.
"Girls [want to be] be boys and boys [want to] be girls
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world"....
up is down and down is up, stop, go, stop, go... hang on, let go, retreat, move forward, lean in, back off. Think, don't think, give it time, there's no time. Right is wrong, and wrong is right.
Excellent summary and guidelines for moving through this current insanity. I would also include Snakes and Ladders and Aggravation. Or, a BINGO card: "get called a bigot", "accused of being too interested in other people's genitals", "told that 'you don't love me for the REAL me'", etc. For more fun and games, check out https://blog.ninapaley.com/ Nina is an excellent artist and proud TERF. When reality gets too depressing, I find comfort in dark humor, snark, and brave people willing to speak the truth.
This has me shook
Whoever wrote this was brilliant.
Indeed!
When I first connected with other parents of trans-identifying kids, the advice was to quit my job, sell my house, and move… somewhere. Work on a commune in Uganda maybe? It left me feeling guilty that I didn't love my son enough to uproot our family and create chaos and uncertainty in our lives. I realized that despite requiring evidence for the medical treatments we were being pressured to consent to for our children, we were expected to, without evidence of success, sacrifice everything in a desperate attempt to save our kids. The parent-blaming is easy to find, even from quarters that should know better, who are quick to point out all of the things we did wrong, with every passing day being yet another opportunity to misstep.
There is no shortage of advice. We contemplated a move also and decided against it. It just wasn’t financially possible. And yet I still feel guilty.
Thank you for the laugh - even though none of it is funny. I need it these days. This gives good perspective when our minds are spinning.
Fantastic work. Sadly this article clearly outlines the challenges for parents of a gender questioning child.
Nothing short of a brilliant post. I have little faith in therapy after two years in this because of exactly this. The advice I agreed with - respect his privacy he’s 17 has now morphed into watch online activity, you pay the bill. Too late now, my son is at university. Had it with therapists - only parents know their own children. Thank you to PITT and this author.
I am sorry every day that my husband and I have been subjected to this awful high stakes game of Sorry that has stolen our precious son. Sorry is an understatement for the emotional devastation the trans cult inflicts on parents.
This is so well-written and true. There is no happy ending. It feels like an evil hamster wheel. Thanks for sharing this....time for a glass of wine.
This is a great depiction of the bottom line for parents - this is ultimately about your connection and attachment to your kid and you and your kid know best. The main thing is to preserve your attachment to them because that’s the way you can influence and parent and if you lose the connection you have no capacity to keep them safe. This is the best piece of parent writing I’ve seen.
I think also, what the writer is trying to convey, is that we can do all the 'right' connecting things and still lose hold of them. Something in the world, perhaps the online world, is pulling them away from us. I never, ever thought I would lose my connection with my beloved child as I was an 'attachment' parent and we were close. Not close in a clingy, enmeshed way, but respectful and kind to each other. I was, and am, a good mom and I lost him anyway.
The University is where my niece was captured. I won't send my boys away now. Local only or possibly GCU online. I have two friends that have kids doing GCU online that haven't come across brainwashing one year in.
Yes because they are ultimately individuals who make their choices and to love them is to accept that. Definitely.
I think tho there’s a lot of people taking advantage of vulnerable desperate parents by giving them unwise advice and relationships are more complicated and messy than we think.
Peer oriented culture draws kids away and renders parents less able to influence their kids. Childhood maltreatment causes long term psychological and health consequences and this includes from peers. We forgot this maybe.
Anyway, the parent-child attachment must compensate for this expected intrusion that’s the reality of parenting today. It’s a monumental sometimes insurmountable task.
And also our kids are getting unwise advice from who know who? Who would advise someone to cut off a loving and caring family. Makes no emotional sense.
This is brilliant. It hurt my head because it sums up beautifully what we are going through. There is no winner here
You know your child. You didn’t follow other people in everything they told you on every other topic. Yes it’s hard, it’s really horrible. And I really like what you have written – it made me laugh even though that is life. Some parents make me feel like we’re back in the 1950s and they think their kids should be there whole overwhelming total life. And I sympathise with the kids. But many parents are so baffled and they’ve been doing so well. I’m sorry.
Omg this is perfect. With each PITT essay I read I think this is the one, & here I am again, this is the one. Freakin’ impossible. We need to pat ourselves on the back & then some, that we haven’t lost our minds. Exhausting
Wow.! You’ve captured it. Trying to navigate this has been a matter of carefully contemplating each step. It didn’t take long before I was telling parents, “There’s no formula.” What we can do is continue to hold one another up while refusing to bow.
Oh my God, all of this..number 21 especially. I am ok now but it was scary for awhile.
"Girls [want to be] be boys and boys [want to] be girls
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world"....
up is down and down is up, stop, go, stop, go... hang on, let go, retreat, move forward, lean in, back off. Think, don't think, give it time, there's no time. Right is wrong, and wrong is right.
I feel every word of this. All day. Every day.