Since my son’s revelation that he can be who he wants to be and learn to love and accept his body as it is (and this will take some time) we have felt enormous relief all round. But this evening’s conversation with my 13 year old son was yet another heartbreaker for me—and evidence that the war isn’t over for us yet.
this essay hits spot-on re: identity fetishization.
the elite private high school my child attended completely focused on "identity" as the leit-motif for their curriculum. It was all about "discovering your true self" and "developing your unique identity."
why not focus instead on : fostering humanity and community.
Identity politics is a huge failure. All the schools that focus on this are failing our children.
This really gets to the heart of the issue: the modern concept/invention of identity. For the record, this idea is Bronze Age Pervert's, not mine, but essentially this desire for an identity is a completely new phenomenon in which people are encouraged to adopt certain behaviors and attitudes and have them validated by a central authority, the state. The state then compels others to affirm and buttress this identity, so long as it is acceptable to it (ie identifying as trans or queer or what have you is fine as it furthers the goals of the American regime, but one cannot identify as, say, a white supremacist or some such). This is completely neutered behavior, and it betrays a level of docility and oversocialization that is almost hard to fathom. To say, "I identify as trans," always carries with it the unspoken addendum "because teacher says so."
People like to joke that all this trans navel gazing is "snowflake" behavior, but it is essentially true. In any other context--that is, one in which a person could not appeal to a centralized state authority to be complicit in "identity formation"--the trans thing could not exist, at least outside of certain extreme cases. As to the causes of all this, who is to say? One gets into critiques of "neoliberal capital," atomization, hyperreality, etc. which may or may not hold water. In my estimation the most likely cause is something far more prosaic: sedentary lifestyles and estrogenic modern diets. It is in this regard that being very into fitness, diet, and health is the mirror image of trans nonsense: a desire to change the body, a dissatisfaction with certain cosmetic features of it, etc. The difference, of course, is one of these behavior regiments is healthy and the other leaves you a bitter, sterile husk of a human being.
It took my son (an older teen) a whole year of exploratory therapy to finally verbalize that he "might" not need any labels. It is such a long process for them. Is your son on the spectrum? Their need for categorization might be even stronger. The need for belonging is so very real, but it has been perverted by the trans ideology.
A nightmare indeed. I am so hopeful that your son will break free from the “trans” label forever. You have given him the correct support and good common sense to use and to apply: he does not need a label!! I pray you are off the battlefield for good! Stay strong!
FWIW, no 13 year old has figured out who they are… hell, I don't know many 40 year olds who can be confident (by our 50s, I think, it gets a bit clearer). So you could suggest to him that it is perfectly normal at his life stage to be questioning, and keep encouraging him - as you are already doing - not to cling to one identity like a life raft… and point out to him that what he loved at 3 was different than when he was 6, 9, and 12, and then you could ask him why he thinks that this development stops at 13… (please ignore if this is not helpful).
I find that asking questions (like breadcrumbs, leading someone along a path) can be so helpful for people to gain clarity from their own insights, as opposed to someone telling them something, which seems to lead to resistance in most teens. It sounds like you are already doing this.
It's a hell of a path you're walking; sounds like you're doing an amazing job.
It has occurred to me that the son might be actually talking about how he is perceived by others. "but who would I be if I’m not a transgender” - perhaps this is about how others see him. It might be good to transfer him to another school, where he could be a person without the trans ID.
What about public schools and the medical community and the government? I think that many are social cowards who don’t want to be out of step or “unwoke “.
How to bring back hope and happiness into our children lives. I think in the times of war pandemics and general confusion that is the main reason that this big lie and trans ideology is smashing our lives.Thanks for writing. A very sad mum
How to bring back hope and happiness into our children lives. I think in the times of war pandemics and general confusion that is the main reason that this big lie and trans ideology is smashing our lives.Thanks for writing. A very sad mum
Your son is still stuck in the ideological sinkhole of gender, with its soul-sucking obsession over identity. But fortunately, he's already taken steps in the direction of the search for his authentic self. The fact that he is talking to you about it is cause for great optimism. Stay positive. With your love and support, and a minimum of value judgments and pressure, he will outgrow the nonsense. Remember, he's only twelve years old!
I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds into your business here, but I'd like to offer a suggestion if I may. Rather than try to convince your son to expunge the word "identity" from his thinking, why not turn his attention towards the incredible variety of experience that awaits him in the physical world? For instance, depending on your financial circumstances, you could make a deal with him. Ask him to put the question of identity on the back burner for six months. Offer him a membership at the local gym, including a series of coaching sessions so he can learn to lift weights, or a karate or other martial arts class, or other options that exist in your area for introducing him to a sport...anything to ground him in his body. Depression and anxiety are powerless over the life-giving effects of endorphins surging through the physically active body. This works for people of all ages, but especially for adolescent males. It's practically an evolutionary imperative.
In addition, or instead, you could ask him to make a list of things that interest him but that he's never had the confidence to try, and then have him pick the one that interests him the most. Maybe he has creative urges in art or writing. Maybe he's always wanted to learn to play a musical instrument. Help him work towards making that thing a reality. The point is to distract him from his obsession with gender, which is an intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical dead end. We figure out who we are by trying new things and seeing how it feels. We discover hidden treasures when we follow our impulses. Your son has a lifetime of discovery ahead of him. Best of luck!
Your feelings echoed with my own on this. I can only imagine my trans identified daughter's emotional struggle, to the point where I can't have this conversation with her about gender dysphoria, in case I have to find out that it's real. I would rather hope this was an obsession, the result of trauma, anything but not that.
This year before gcse break up, each time I spotted one of the local trans identified kids, which was every day, and somehow I would never fail to notice them; my heart would sink deep down. I might ponder their tortuous journey at home while a particular song would play. My pain for them has been unbearable at times.
You have touched on such an important aspect of this entire phenomenon: identity. The concept of identity feels permanent - “It’s who I am.” So if those pushing this agenda can get kids to believe “trans” is part of their permanent identity, then they have trapped them.
But as many people have pointed out in the comments, identity is actually quite fluid. Some aspects of it might be permanent - such as someone’s race or cultural heritage. Some aspects of it might be fluid - such as when I was in high school I was “punk”, but as a 50 yr old woman I have definitely lost the Mohawk.
Today, as a religious person, my most important identity is “child of God.” But my many other identities include wife, mother, and sister. As a member of the family I grew up in and the family I married into, my identity includes being a Jackson and a Thomson. My many other identifiers include writer, singer, community volunteer, lover of the arts, traveler….
As someone else pointed out, there could be athletes or science nerds or gamers or goth or theater kids….
The important point (that this agenda wants you do ignore) is that identity is multifaceted. There is no such thing as one identity. Identity - or in other words, “who we are” - is made up of many roles and names and experiences and interests. Male or female, gay or straight, trans or cis is just one small part of every multifaceted person. This agenda wants our children to believe it is the only identifier of people. But as parents we must help our children discover ALL that contributes to who they are as beautiful human beings. And we must help them see that “who we are” can change and grow over time as we explore interests, study at school, date and get married, discover religion or lose religion…
Who we are are complex and beautiful beings that cannot be reduced to “trans”. I wish you every good thing as you help your son navigate this and learn this important truth in his life. He is a beautiful child with many important identities now and yet to come as he grows in this life.
This is a very touching and thoughtful essay. Your courage and openness in helping your son is commendable. I wish a good outcome for you and your family. Sincerely, Frederick
Isn’t it amazing that, after generations fighting against stereotypes and labels, this phenomenon rises up? Maybe it offers a sense of security in a time the world is progressively out of control? I still don’t understand how our institutions have gotten so swept up on this, too.
this essay hits spot-on re: identity fetishization.
the elite private high school my child attended completely focused on "identity" as the leit-motif for their curriculum. It was all about "discovering your true self" and "developing your unique identity."
why not focus instead on : fostering humanity and community.
Identity politics is a huge failure. All the schools that focus on this are failing our children.
This really gets to the heart of the issue: the modern concept/invention of identity. For the record, this idea is Bronze Age Pervert's, not mine, but essentially this desire for an identity is a completely new phenomenon in which people are encouraged to adopt certain behaviors and attitudes and have them validated by a central authority, the state. The state then compels others to affirm and buttress this identity, so long as it is acceptable to it (ie identifying as trans or queer or what have you is fine as it furthers the goals of the American regime, but one cannot identify as, say, a white supremacist or some such). This is completely neutered behavior, and it betrays a level of docility and oversocialization that is almost hard to fathom. To say, "I identify as trans," always carries with it the unspoken addendum "because teacher says so."
People like to joke that all this trans navel gazing is "snowflake" behavior, but it is essentially true. In any other context--that is, one in which a person could not appeal to a centralized state authority to be complicit in "identity formation"--the trans thing could not exist, at least outside of certain extreme cases. As to the causes of all this, who is to say? One gets into critiques of "neoliberal capital," atomization, hyperreality, etc. which may or may not hold water. In my estimation the most likely cause is something far more prosaic: sedentary lifestyles and estrogenic modern diets. It is in this regard that being very into fitness, diet, and health is the mirror image of trans nonsense: a desire to change the body, a dissatisfaction with certain cosmetic features of it, etc. The difference, of course, is one of these behavior regiments is healthy and the other leaves you a bitter, sterile husk of a human being.
It took my son (an older teen) a whole year of exploratory therapy to finally verbalize that he "might" not need any labels. It is such a long process for them. Is your son on the spectrum? Their need for categorization might be even stronger. The need for belonging is so very real, but it has been perverted by the trans ideology.
A nightmare indeed. I am so hopeful that your son will break free from the “trans” label forever. You have given him the correct support and good common sense to use and to apply: he does not need a label!! I pray you are off the battlefield for good! Stay strong!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m going to let my 15 year old read this post and pray it helps open her eyes, too.
FWIW, no 13 year old has figured out who they are… hell, I don't know many 40 year olds who can be confident (by our 50s, I think, it gets a bit clearer). So you could suggest to him that it is perfectly normal at his life stage to be questioning, and keep encouraging him - as you are already doing - not to cling to one identity like a life raft… and point out to him that what he loved at 3 was different than when he was 6, 9, and 12, and then you could ask him why he thinks that this development stops at 13… (please ignore if this is not helpful).
I find that asking questions (like breadcrumbs, leading someone along a path) can be so helpful for people to gain clarity from their own insights, as opposed to someone telling them something, which seems to lead to resistance in most teens. It sounds like you are already doing this.
It's a hell of a path you're walking; sounds like you're doing an amazing job.
It has occurred to me that the son might be actually talking about how he is perceived by others. "but who would I be if I’m not a transgender” - perhaps this is about how others see him. It might be good to transfer him to another school, where he could be a person without the trans ID.
Thanks for that insight.
What about public schools and the medical community and the government? I think that many are social cowards who don’t want to be out of step or “unwoke “.
How to bring back hope and happiness into our children lives. I think in the times of war pandemics and general confusion that is the main reason that this big lie and trans ideology is smashing our lives.Thanks for writing. A very sad mum
How to bring back hope and happiness into our children lives. I think in the times of war pandemics and general confusion that is the main reason that this big lie and trans ideology is smashing our lives.Thanks for writing. A very sad mum
Your son is still stuck in the ideological sinkhole of gender, with its soul-sucking obsession over identity. But fortunately, he's already taken steps in the direction of the search for his authentic self. The fact that he is talking to you about it is cause for great optimism. Stay positive. With your love and support, and a minimum of value judgments and pressure, he will outgrow the nonsense. Remember, he's only twelve years old!
I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds into your business here, but I'd like to offer a suggestion if I may. Rather than try to convince your son to expunge the word "identity" from his thinking, why not turn his attention towards the incredible variety of experience that awaits him in the physical world? For instance, depending on your financial circumstances, you could make a deal with him. Ask him to put the question of identity on the back burner for six months. Offer him a membership at the local gym, including a series of coaching sessions so he can learn to lift weights, or a karate or other martial arts class, or other options that exist in your area for introducing him to a sport...anything to ground him in his body. Depression and anxiety are powerless over the life-giving effects of endorphins surging through the physically active body. This works for people of all ages, but especially for adolescent males. It's practically an evolutionary imperative.
In addition, or instead, you could ask him to make a list of things that interest him but that he's never had the confidence to try, and then have him pick the one that interests him the most. Maybe he has creative urges in art or writing. Maybe he's always wanted to learn to play a musical instrument. Help him work towards making that thing a reality. The point is to distract him from his obsession with gender, which is an intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical dead end. We figure out who we are by trying new things and seeing how it feels. We discover hidden treasures when we follow our impulses. Your son has a lifetime of discovery ahead of him. Best of luck!
Your feelings echoed with my own on this. I can only imagine my trans identified daughter's emotional struggle, to the point where I can't have this conversation with her about gender dysphoria, in case I have to find out that it's real. I would rather hope this was an obsession, the result of trauma, anything but not that.
This year before gcse break up, each time I spotted one of the local trans identified kids, which was every day, and somehow I would never fail to notice them; my heart would sink deep down. I might ponder their tortuous journey at home while a particular song would play. My pain for them has been unbearable at times.
You have touched on such an important aspect of this entire phenomenon: identity. The concept of identity feels permanent - “It’s who I am.” So if those pushing this agenda can get kids to believe “trans” is part of their permanent identity, then they have trapped them.
But as many people have pointed out in the comments, identity is actually quite fluid. Some aspects of it might be permanent - such as someone’s race or cultural heritage. Some aspects of it might be fluid - such as when I was in high school I was “punk”, but as a 50 yr old woman I have definitely lost the Mohawk.
Today, as a religious person, my most important identity is “child of God.” But my many other identities include wife, mother, and sister. As a member of the family I grew up in and the family I married into, my identity includes being a Jackson and a Thomson. My many other identifiers include writer, singer, community volunteer, lover of the arts, traveler….
As someone else pointed out, there could be athletes or science nerds or gamers or goth or theater kids….
The important point (that this agenda wants you do ignore) is that identity is multifaceted. There is no such thing as one identity. Identity - or in other words, “who we are” - is made up of many roles and names and experiences and interests. Male or female, gay or straight, trans or cis is just one small part of every multifaceted person. This agenda wants our children to believe it is the only identifier of people. But as parents we must help our children discover ALL that contributes to who they are as beautiful human beings. And we must help them see that “who we are” can change and grow over time as we explore interests, study at school, date and get married, discover religion or lose religion…
Who we are are complex and beautiful beings that cannot be reduced to “trans”. I wish you every good thing as you help your son navigate this and learn this important truth in his life. He is a beautiful child with many important identities now and yet to come as he grows in this life.
This is a very touching and thoughtful essay. Your courage and openness in helping your son is commendable. I wish a good outcome for you and your family. Sincerely, Frederick
I encourage everyone to listen to the Wider Lens podcast’s Az Hakeem episode. The part where he explains the 5 types of Goth is very helpful.
Isn’t it amazing that, after generations fighting against stereotypes and labels, this phenomenon rises up? Maybe it offers a sense of security in a time the world is progressively out of control? I still don’t understand how our institutions have gotten so swept up on this, too.