Be warned—this is an essay of hope. I’ve debated writing it because while there have been times over the past two and a half years when I desperately needed to read something like this, other times it would have added to my distress. So, choose what’s right for you. If you’re interested in snippets of conversations that I believe have helped my daughter on the path toward desistance, read on. If not, I don’t blame you. This stuff is capital “H” hard. Additionally, let me be the first to acknowledge that a multitude of other factors unique to my daughter and our situation obviously have also been in play. So please, take from this only what resonates with you. It is in no way meant to be prescriptive.
Something that strikes me about many of these stories is that we need to stop teaching girls and women to be so "nice." Moms are afraid of their kids (I knew that it was a mom and not a dad who was writing this even before she identified herself) and the kids are afraid to speak up against teachers. No one seems willing to stand up for their own beliefs and risk people being mad at them. I don't know what I would do so I'm not criticizing. I'm just noticing how polite everyone is while others are ruining their lives.
It's been hard to read your stories these last several months. The pain and suffering of your children, and the damage to your own spirit and relationships is disheartening. Today, I listened to a debate in a MN legislative committee dealing wtih a mandate for private and public health insurance to pay for "gender affirming" care - a broad definition. Someone one of the Senators said really caught my ear, and I wanted you all to hear it. Accusing those who object to being required to pay for this care, the Senator said, in remarking on motives, said, "Leave them alone. Let them live their lives," referring to trans-identified and other related categories of individuals. I immediately thought about you. Have you felt that the trans-ID movement has left you alone and let you live your lives?
Not for a moment. If we and our children were left alone to live our lives, I believe many of us would take no issue with our children experimenting with their identities. It is normal during the teenage years. The problem is the insistence of others to shut us out of our children's lives and pretend they know what's best for them by cementing their identity whims as immutable fact to the detriment of their present and future wellbeing. The trans movement does the opposite of leaving people alone - invading families, ripping them apart, compelling speech, taking away women's rights and I could go on...
For our daughter this all started at 16, we did all we could and when she was 18 we were doomed to stop her. Moral of story talk to kids early and often about this trans issue use what is learned at PITT on these desistance stories. We are failing kids at puberty to protect them sufficiently against these radical terrible ideas and to inform them about puberty and becoming an adult.
Great essay! I agree it is easier to navigate when they are younger. My niece was captured in college. My sister also went to events with my niece and said, "the only thinking she is requesting is to be called "they/them" and that is it. The end. I told her that they/them is only the beginning and it was. She affirmed (my guess is out of fear of losing her). Last year she had a voluntary double mastectomy. I have two children (they were younger when this started) and would not go along with any of it. I didn't go along with it because I don't believe in it and in my opinion, going along with it is a lie., but more importantly I had to have my boys heavy in reality and able to identify the brainwashing and speak up. It took some of their childhood away by talking to them about this and trying to help them see the signs. They can now catch it a mile away, even when I don't see it they do.
Lastly, my honest opinion is do not get caught up in the college rate race like my sister and niece did. This ruined her life. I would never send my boys away to college now (local only). They are in a couple college classes and they all touch on and push this agenda (stats, history, speech, health and even their ASL class!!). Keep them close. They come home and joke about it. When they were younger I told them I would give the $.50 every time they could detect their teachers trying to brainwash them. They came back to the car daily with at least a story or two. I had to reduce it to $.25 per offense because I was going broke. Teach them young about how subtle it is. It is often times very subtle, but my boys caught on quickly.
I still have hope she will wake up. It came about with a lot of discussions. It ended up turning into a game and some joking, although it is not a laughing matter. The level of bombardment of this cult is pretty constant. Better to try to prepare them and point out what is going on. I am going to watch the Leah Rimini show with them as well. That was a fabulous idea.
Thank you for sharing your story. Our daughter desisted last summer. We had to push her over the finish line, but all the seeds were planted and she was ready. I share your hopeful feeling that the harvest is on the horizon for your daughter.
Our story is similar to yours in some ways. We caved on the name and pronouns for a period of time when the highest priority was for there to be nothing she could react against with us; we needed her to feel we were totally on her side. There were larger issues we were helping her with and we couldn't afford to have her putting a wall between us. (We never treated her "gender dysphoria." We treated her for her actual underlying issues (undiagnosed autism + sexual abuse at school).)
We also had a giant heart-to-heart about the fact that it is okay that she and we have differing beliefs, that she is whole and complete and safe even though we don't have the same beliefs about something. For us, this particular conversation was when we were pushing her over the finish line to desistance.
In the final 3-4 months before her desistance, we also spent time discussing the self-diagnosis epidemic, and she could see those other instances for what they were. She wasn't able to connect the dots to include gender until after we pushed her over the finish line. But the seeds were planted.
With her actual issues addressed (autism diagnosis and lots of "affirming" of her autistic traits, plus time to heal from the incidents at school), she started to once again feel very comfortable in her female body. She stopped identifying as trans and started calling herself "agender." And within 3-4 months she was done. Again, we did have to push her over the finish line, but she was ready.
I should mention our daughter was 11 when it started and 13 when it ended. I've been told many times by fellow parents in the trenches that those of us with younger kids entranced by the madness sometimes have an "easier" (relatively) chance of getting them out. We count ourselves among the lucky and don't take it for granted.
Something different about our story was that our kid was no longer in her old school with the gender-crazed friend group and the teachers who taught gender BS. She was in a different school, a very small and very rare school, that miraculously didn't talk about gender or have any other kids involved in it. I think in our case this was important for our daughter. I'm a huge believer that every family has to navigate the madness in their own way, and this part was important for our kid.
Yes I think I read something else you wrote a while ago and reflected over our stories being similar in several ways. I'm so glad your daughter is desisted, and you're right, each family has their own set of circumstances. I'm very aware that my daughter's age was a key element that allowed me the time to take a slow approach. The second biggest thing for us what that she left her friend group of her own accord, which meant greatly reduced outside influences.
What a wise and loving parent you are. The story is far from over and truth seems to be winning! This is a hopeful story- one that many people need to hear loudly!
Thank you for this hope. Our story is very similar. We too went thr route of not talking a lot about gender and focused on family and connection! Also over a 2 year period. Right now, there are signs of change with her coming home the other day and she was trying on all my dresses for her next theater outing! We have had some trauma lately (most recent is her dad had a stroke and may never walk or talk again) so we are in a whole new world and what it looks like going forward but we are closer than ever now and I am grateful that we worked so hard on our relationship over the past year with her. We never did affirm (met half way on stuff) but she also doesn't get mad anymore when we use female pronouns. And I like how ypu said you would comment on her maturity and not the beauty part! ❤️
Yes I saw that a lot with her trying on my dresses even before dropping the id. So sorry about your recent family trauma. Take care of yourself and may your daughter find her way out of this soon!
BIG THANK YOU!! And lots of love and good energy on the way to you and your family! You made it! Keep up the good vibes...for our ALL sake! God bless !
What an amazing, intelligent woman you are!! You have managed to use reason to slowly turn the story around for your daughter, by allowing her to realise things in her own time. Brilliant!! I wish you all the best for a beautiful garden in the months and years to come.
Thank you SO much for this! We’ve been deepening our bond with our daughter, while not denying her feelings but also not affirming, unfortunately some of her teachers at her school are. Along with a trans peer group. We are lucky she doesn’t want medicalization, she is afraid of needles and the side effects she researched scared her. This post has been great to read as our daughters sound very similar. Thank you again and I thoroughly enjoyed the garden analogy!
Thank you for this. It calms me to hear how you dealt with it. We are 2 and 1/2 yrs in and we have done some things well and some things not so well. Mostly I feel optimistic that as our son matures he will accept himself as he is.
I'm so glad things seem to be working out for you and your daughter. It sounds like you've introduced critical thinking, slowly and in baby steps. As for social justice, that is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. It's become corrupted by 'wokeness' which took political correctness way too far and has now been given too much power by adults who should know better (I'm including all of us here) and especially p**sy CEOs and academic leaders who cave like little b**ches when children throw tantrums on social media. I wonder if you could channel your daughter's SJ tendencies toward more healthier SJ goals? I've been wondering if there's a way to reclaim social justice from the MAGAs and the illiberals.
I've only just recently come to the realization that I am myself an SJW, just not the 'woke' kind. I'm too liberal to be woke. I believe in looking out for others, preserving the environment when we can, being tolerant of those *who are not a threat to others*, and of course championing Enlightenment values I learned in university and still adhere to to this day. So yes, I'm a 'social justice warrior', but not the kind that hates free speech, Jews, homosexuals, and most of all...women.
'Social justice' has gone too far on both sides - and the MAGAs aren't that much different, really, from the lefty SJWs, and honestly, most people right here on PITT are SJWs whether they realize it or not. We just have different goals from the ones who've given it a bad name.
They're always redefining reality and vocabulary, now it's *our* turn...'Social justice' no longer means what they think it means. What is *our* version of social justice? (Which might conflict with others here, but that's okay...I'll bet we can find more overlap than just, "the trans movement is toxic AF....")
Wow. These “seeds” were very helpful. Thank you
Something that strikes me about many of these stories is that we need to stop teaching girls and women to be so "nice." Moms are afraid of their kids (I knew that it was a mom and not a dad who was writing this even before she identified herself) and the kids are afraid to speak up against teachers. No one seems willing to stand up for their own beliefs and risk people being mad at them. I don't know what I would do so I'm not criticizing. I'm just noticing how polite everyone is while others are ruining their lives.
It's been hard to read your stories these last several months. The pain and suffering of your children, and the damage to your own spirit and relationships is disheartening. Today, I listened to a debate in a MN legislative committee dealing wtih a mandate for private and public health insurance to pay for "gender affirming" care - a broad definition. Someone one of the Senators said really caught my ear, and I wanted you all to hear it. Accusing those who object to being required to pay for this care, the Senator said, in remarking on motives, said, "Leave them alone. Let them live their lives," referring to trans-identified and other related categories of individuals. I immediately thought about you. Have you felt that the trans-ID movement has left you alone and let you live your lives?
Not for a moment. If we and our children were left alone to live our lives, I believe many of us would take no issue with our children experimenting with their identities. It is normal during the teenage years. The problem is the insistence of others to shut us out of our children's lives and pretend they know what's best for them by cementing their identity whims as immutable fact to the detriment of their present and future wellbeing. The trans movement does the opposite of leaving people alone - invading families, ripping them apart, compelling speech, taking away women's rights and I could go on...
For our daughter this all started at 16, we did all we could and when she was 18 we were doomed to stop her. Moral of story talk to kids early and often about this trans issue use what is learned at PITT on these desistance stories. We are failing kids at puberty to protect them sufficiently against these radical terrible ideas and to inform them about puberty and becoming an adult.
❤❤❤❤
This is such a useful guide for parents. Brilliant strategist, mom! Thank you.
Great essay! I agree it is easier to navigate when they are younger. My niece was captured in college. My sister also went to events with my niece and said, "the only thinking she is requesting is to be called "they/them" and that is it. The end. I told her that they/them is only the beginning and it was. She affirmed (my guess is out of fear of losing her). Last year she had a voluntary double mastectomy. I have two children (they were younger when this started) and would not go along with any of it. I didn't go along with it because I don't believe in it and in my opinion, going along with it is a lie., but more importantly I had to have my boys heavy in reality and able to identify the brainwashing and speak up. It took some of their childhood away by talking to them about this and trying to help them see the signs. They can now catch it a mile away, even when I don't see it they do.
Lastly, my honest opinion is do not get caught up in the college rate race like my sister and niece did. This ruined her life. I would never send my boys away to college now (local only). They are in a couple college classes and they all touch on and push this agenda (stats, history, speech, health and even their ASL class!!). Keep them close. They come home and joke about it. When they were younger I told them I would give the $.50 every time they could detect their teachers trying to brainwash them. They came back to the car daily with at least a story or two. I had to reduce it to $.25 per offense because I was going broke. Teach them young about how subtle it is. It is often times very subtle, but my boys caught on quickly.
That is so smart - to teach them how to spot brainwashing like that! So sorry about your niece.
I still have hope she will wake up. It came about with a lot of discussions. It ended up turning into a game and some joking, although it is not a laughing matter. The level of bombardment of this cult is pretty constant. Better to try to prepare them and point out what is going on. I am going to watch the Leah Rimini show with them as well. That was a fabulous idea.
Thank you for sharing your story. Our daughter desisted last summer. We had to push her over the finish line, but all the seeds were planted and she was ready. I share your hopeful feeling that the harvest is on the horizon for your daughter.
Our story is similar to yours in some ways. We caved on the name and pronouns for a period of time when the highest priority was for there to be nothing she could react against with us; we needed her to feel we were totally on her side. There were larger issues we were helping her with and we couldn't afford to have her putting a wall between us. (We never treated her "gender dysphoria." We treated her for her actual underlying issues (undiagnosed autism + sexual abuse at school).)
We also had a giant heart-to-heart about the fact that it is okay that she and we have differing beliefs, that she is whole and complete and safe even though we don't have the same beliefs about something. For us, this particular conversation was when we were pushing her over the finish line to desistance.
In the final 3-4 months before her desistance, we also spent time discussing the self-diagnosis epidemic, and she could see those other instances for what they were. She wasn't able to connect the dots to include gender until after we pushed her over the finish line. But the seeds were planted.
With her actual issues addressed (autism diagnosis and lots of "affirming" of her autistic traits, plus time to heal from the incidents at school), she started to once again feel very comfortable in her female body. She stopped identifying as trans and started calling herself "agender." And within 3-4 months she was done. Again, we did have to push her over the finish line, but she was ready.
I should mention our daughter was 11 when it started and 13 when it ended. I've been told many times by fellow parents in the trenches that those of us with younger kids entranced by the madness sometimes have an "easier" (relatively) chance of getting them out. We count ourselves among the lucky and don't take it for granted.
Something different about our story was that our kid was no longer in her old school with the gender-crazed friend group and the teachers who taught gender BS. She was in a different school, a very small and very rare school, that miraculously didn't talk about gender or have any other kids involved in it. I think in our case this was important for our daughter. I'm a huge believer that every family has to navigate the madness in their own way, and this part was important for our kid.
Yes I think I read something else you wrote a while ago and reflected over our stories being similar in several ways. I'm so glad your daughter is desisted, and you're right, each family has their own set of circumstances. I'm very aware that my daughter's age was a key element that allowed me the time to take a slow approach. The second biggest thing for us what that she left her friend group of her own accord, which meant greatly reduced outside influences.
Your daughter leaving the friend group is so beautiful and brilliant.
What a wise and loving parent you are. The story is far from over and truth seems to be winning! This is a hopeful story- one that many people need to hear loudly!
Thank you for this hope. Our story is very similar. We too went thr route of not talking a lot about gender and focused on family and connection! Also over a 2 year period. Right now, there are signs of change with her coming home the other day and she was trying on all my dresses for her next theater outing! We have had some trauma lately (most recent is her dad had a stroke and may never walk or talk again) so we are in a whole new world and what it looks like going forward but we are closer than ever now and I am grateful that we worked so hard on our relationship over the past year with her. We never did affirm (met half way on stuff) but she also doesn't get mad anymore when we use female pronouns. And I like how ypu said you would comment on her maturity and not the beauty part! ❤️
Yes I saw that a lot with her trying on my dresses even before dropping the id. So sorry about your recent family trauma. Take care of yourself and may your daughter find her way out of this soon!
BIG THANK YOU!! And lots of love and good energy on the way to you and your family! You made it! Keep up the good vibes...for our ALL sake! God bless !
What an amazing, intelligent woman you are!! You have managed to use reason to slowly turn the story around for your daughter, by allowing her to realise things in her own time. Brilliant!! I wish you all the best for a beautiful garden in the months and years to come.
Thank you SO much for this! We’ve been deepening our bond with our daughter, while not denying her feelings but also not affirming, unfortunately some of her teachers at her school are. Along with a trans peer group. We are lucky she doesn’t want medicalization, she is afraid of needles and the side effects she researched scared her. This post has been great to read as our daughters sound very similar. Thank you again and I thoroughly enjoyed the garden analogy!
Well played mom, well played. I applaud your approach to this issue and it sounds like it was effective.
Thank you for this. It calms me to hear how you dealt with it. We are 2 and 1/2 yrs in and we have done some things well and some things not so well. Mostly I feel optimistic that as our son matures he will accept himself as he is.
I'm so glad things seem to be working out for you and your daughter. It sounds like you've introduced critical thinking, slowly and in baby steps. As for social justice, that is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. It's become corrupted by 'wokeness' which took political correctness way too far and has now been given too much power by adults who should know better (I'm including all of us here) and especially p**sy CEOs and academic leaders who cave like little b**ches when children throw tantrums on social media. I wonder if you could channel your daughter's SJ tendencies toward more healthier SJ goals? I've been wondering if there's a way to reclaim social justice from the MAGAs and the illiberals.
I've only just recently come to the realization that I am myself an SJW, just not the 'woke' kind. I'm too liberal to be woke. I believe in looking out for others, preserving the environment when we can, being tolerant of those *who are not a threat to others*, and of course championing Enlightenment values I learned in university and still adhere to to this day. So yes, I'm a 'social justice warrior', but not the kind that hates free speech, Jews, homosexuals, and most of all...women.
'Social justice' has gone too far on both sides - and the MAGAs aren't that much different, really, from the lefty SJWs, and honestly, most people right here on PITT are SJWs whether they realize it or not. We just have different goals from the ones who've given it a bad name.
They're always redefining reality and vocabulary, now it's *our* turn...'Social justice' no longer means what they think it means. What is *our* version of social justice? (Which might conflict with others here, but that's okay...I'll bet we can find more overlap than just, "the trans movement is toxic AF....")