To my daughter’s gender therapist: you were wrong. It has been some months since you and my daughter had the last of four sessions. In the third session I was invited to sit in on a discussion of the effects of T, testosterone, on a human female body. You smiled calmly as you led us through a series of Powerpoint slides, explaining that my daughter’s reproductive organs would atrophy, that she would grow a beard, that her voice would deepen, and that “the phallus” would become enlarged. I sat listening, summoning all of my own skills as a clinical psychologist to not let a tirade loose at you in front of my brittle and fragile 17 year old.
Thank you for all you have done for your daughter and standing up to the madness. I am a mother in a similar situation with my 14 yr old son. He has always presented as a stereotypical boy (rough housing, loving male centric toys like weapons, nerf-gun etc) and then fast forward to the onset of puberty where he struggled with fitting in with a 'group'. He's always been well liked -bright, funny and kind. When he came out as gay at 13 his family and friends accepted him completely. But the following yr he started at a new conservative (mostly Christian) private school where the boys were not as accepting and my son felt bullied. Anxiety and body dysmorphia set in. He said that the thought of two guys together didn't seem right. I sent him to a gender therapist to help him with these opposing feelings and to be okay with who he is in a society that didn't always honor homosexuality. Instead, the gender therapist asked if he might be "happier as a girl" (!!!) and that he could go on puberty blockers "to push the pause button" (!!!) the rest was a nightmare I couldn't seem to wake from... I had to educate myself fast as I felt I was in a rush to save my son's life. Since then I have found a non affirming therapist. One willing to actually find out what is at the root cause of my son's feelings (which we both suspect comes from not having positive, gay role models and coming to terms with being okay with his highly sensitive nature). Fortunately, I have a deep bond with my son. He is still struggling with body dysphoria but he is bright and lucid enough to know that transitioning, mtf, is not being a girl and that he would always be a boy trying to be a girl and that sounded equally distressing to him. It's hard though, as the current zeitgeist / social media is filled with celebratory coming out narratives, influencers transitioning, supposedly living their best lives, as if the hormones and surgeries where of no consequence. I do believe that some children are born with a severe distress of feeling like they are not the sex they are told they are. In these unique cases transition may help them. I have compassion for them and would not want to keep treatment from them. But this is NOT what so many of us are speaking out about. It is the epidemic of confused, anxious teens. Please let's not fail them. Everyone, get your voice heard.
You're going to live with the consequences of your decision, or your child will. I won't.
When we were warning about this a decade ago, you called us bigots. Well fuck you. Enjoy the bed you made we warned you about as you slandered and libeled us.
I'm sure you got accolades for being a "progressive".
Thank you. So very much for you story. I am a licensed Mental Health Therapist and I am disgusted by what my profession has been doing to young children and teens. I am so glad to hear your beautiful story. Life long progressive here as well, getting all the backlash that a "Lefugee:" gets when she speaks the truth about this issue. Its a massive lost in my own believes as I am very much pro Gay rights. Much Much love and care to you.
I heard you on the Wider Lens podcast and came back to re-read this essay. Huge thanks for telling your story, as it's given many of us a little bit of hope. And we certainly need some hope. My children (both affected by this) are over 18 now, so I can't make them move overseas. Perhaps I could take them on a shorter trip somewhere to a place where we could just vacation normally the way we used to before the world went crazy.
This is so heartbreaking and, as grandparents, we are terrified that it will happen to us. How do we counter what becomes an inexorable path leading to our granddaughter to irreversible harm when child therapists -- therapists! -- are telling her parents that not supporting her choice of pronouns will lead her to suicide? What is happening to a therapy? How can therapists do this?
Your journey is a harrowing one. Your steadfast support of your child touches me in the tender places where my own mother failed to do the same when I was a child and the scars that left on my psyche and wellbeing. I am a new MFT and terrified about facing the backlash should I be expected to fast track a child or young adult into hormone or medical transition (which I will refuse as it violates my ethics of not harming my clients, not to mention, rushing anything in therapy is antithetical to healing and/or recovery). I am curious how 'gender' therapists have any business providing education on hormone or medical transition to clients. This is outside of the scope of psychotherapy, though, I suppose there may be new certificates people can obtain to allow for such a thing. This therapist you describe sounds like she is not challenging her biases or self-scrutinizing to ensure her self-of-the-therapist is in check. She sounds highly unethical and, having been in a grad cohort in the last few years, many of the younger aspiring therapists specifically expressed wanting to work with trans kids and help fast track their transitions. No questions about it from the faculty around context, assessing for biopsychosocial factors, systemic factors, or comorbidities. Instead, anything trans was celebrated and unquestioned. My code of ethics even has a statement that contradictorily states we should 'do no harm' and also not explore gender because, to do so would be akin to conversion therapy. The fact that curiosity and slowing down are deemed 'transphobic,' makes it so that therapists who are concerned and who actually no not want to harm their clients must use an alias and find online chat opportunities to explore this subject — for fear of being cancelled and shunned in the real world.
I believe you are correct, that this will someday be considered a huge medical scandal. And it breaks my heart that the guinea pigs are vulnerable kids and young people and their panicked parents who want to do what is "right" and the noise of the trans movement is such that reason and a regulated nervous system are not allowed prior to pushing kids into hormones and medical transition. It reminds me of when people get a cancer diagnosis and, regardless of if the cancer is slow growing or not, a patient is rushed into the chemicals and surgeries and given NO time to process, step back and consider all options... its is all about fear mongering.
Hello, my beautiful America. This is President Eden, and it's time we had a talk. It's time we discussed something rather important. The issue at hand is, well, my presidency. The question has been raised, I know, as to just how I came to be elected to this most illustrious office. Or whether or not I had been elected at all. To that I must answer; of course. Of course I was elected, sweet America, of course. Isn't the right to vote the very foundation of a democracy? Unfortunately, in the interest of national security, I am not at liberty to discuss the details of the election, you understand. But rest assured, I am your president because the appropriate people of this great nation decided I should be. I am your duly elected representative. Of course, when the time comes, when my term is up, America will be free to elect a new president. And that person will have our full faith and confidence, and carry our collective values forward into the future. Democracy, dear America. Democracy now, and forever. We've got to part now, you and I, but don't be sad America. The Enclave is working tirelessly, to rebuild this great nation, so you don't have to. Until we meet again, this is John Henry Eden, signing off.
"It helps that the local language, which my daughter is quickly absorbing and starting to speak, is devoid of gendered grammatical markers."
If you're talking about Russian that is not how I remember it. OK I took one year of it over fifty years ago but I remember that not only did it have the usual pronouns but that nouns were gendered too, masc/fem/neut and even plural in the singular.
Russian is far from the only language spoken in the former USSR, are you talking about another?
Thank you for writing this and helping other parents by sharing it. You speak beautifully to the truth. I am truly moved and hope for continued healing for all of you. I hope to help my daughter in the exact same circumstances. COVID, minor autism, high school class of 2020 devastation.
Also, thank you for posting your and your daughter's story. My son wants hormones to become a "girl". My son obviously hates his body - body dysmorphia as a diagnosis is not questionable. However, my son does not seem to identify as a woman. I do not believe he has gender dysphoria. Yes, he is probably autistic. Yes, he experienced trauma prior to deciding he was trans: we moved multiple times during COVID, we live in a state that required online school during COVID, he left the only home he had ever known and spent a year in isolation with his computer. A year later, according to his statements to doctors, he realized the reason he was so unhappy was because he was trans. I cannot let these facts go when affirmers, including his current therapist, say hormones are the "answer". On a personal note, I feel like I am living an episode of the Twilight Zone. Nothing makes sense. I have had two left-leaning psych professionals (one a psychiatrist and one a psychologist) tell me that they do not agree with the current handling by the medical community of kids like ours. However, they will not speak up. Please, do so.
I am a hypocrite, because I have not done so - I do not feel our (my son's and my family's) story is compelling enough at this point (I believe I cannot provide what you were able to).. .however, I will ask the following of you despite this fact: please, send this letter to newspapers in the US, magazines, the congresspeople who represented the districts you lived in prior to leaving the US etc. You are a professional, a clinical psychologist and obviously not anti-trans as a baseline. I believe the liberal media would be inclined to at least hear you if not publish your letter.
My family is going through this now with our daughter, who sounds quite similar to yours - highly gifted, history of depression and anxiety, body dysmorphia - she presents as severely underweight despite a healthy appetite and diet, no signs of bulimia, has had constant attention all her life over how thin she is, usually under the guise of praise but resulted in her being hyper conscious of her body - almost definitely on the autism spectrum, then caught up in COVID lockdowns that had her isolated at home for half of her final year of school, falling down LGBT social media rabbit holes. She first 'came out' as bisexual when she was around 15 and had never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. My partner is a teacher and reports this is now very common with girls at that age - in one of his classes, only one of the girls 'identifies' as both straight and female. One girl out of 14. The rest are somewhere along the LGBTIQA conga line, with several using they/them pronouns and preferred names that are not their legal names. The statistics are now so skewed towards girls identifying as male or non-binary that this alone should be ringing alarm bells. LOUDLY.
Back to our daughter - by the end of her final year of school, she said she was non-binary and wanted to be called a different - male, but in another language - name. We went along with it, hoping it was something she would outgrow as she found her place in a wider world outside her internet echo chamber. Unfortunately, this has not been the case - she only has 2 'real life' friends, the rest are a relentless and demanding pro trans chorus she interacts with online. And now, after a single appointment - just the one appointment - with a doctor, she has been prescribed testosterone to start transitioning to male. As she is now over 18, there is nothing we can do to prevent her inflicting this self-harm. When I try to broach the subject, she calls me a TERF, says I'm transphobic and she will cut me out of her life if I raise my concerns again. She still lives at home and is essentially dependent on us - she has a part time job in retail, but I've noticed her shifts being reduced as she ups the ante with her appearance - multiple facial piercings, hyper masculine, metal head clothing, deepening her voice (apparently she is having vocal training, as well as the effects of the testosterone), and her aim is to grow facial hair. So she is making herself unemployable - we live in a pretty conservative regional small city, and her appearance is definitely quite extreme for our area.
I don't care what people think about her appearance, I care that it is putting her at risk of violence. She is a very feminine looking woman, slim, very delicate features, and she will never, ever 'pass' as a man. She will simply look like a woman with a beard. And around here, that will get her bashed and quite possibly raped if she insists on using male toilets and other facilities - which I can see her doing, as she is militant about trans rights. She'll do it to prove a point. I am so scared for her and so angry with this delusion that has been served up to an entire generation of (mainly) young women. She is my only daughter, her siblings are all male, and I am brokenhearted that she has been brainwashed into thinking her womanhood is something best erased, that to be a man is somehow superior. I cannot show my grief, as it is unacceptable anywhere now to question transitioning. How did we get to the stage where parents cannot express concerns about their children without being labelled and abused? And where will this madness end? With a world that is predominantly male and trans male? In whose interest is it to eliminate women from society? And what will the future look like if a significant number of young women have reduced or no fertility as a result of medical mistreatment?
I am so happy that you and your daughter came through this - she is so lucky she had you fighting for her. I can't do the same for my daughter as she is an adult. All I can do is hope she will come to realise herself that her issues had nothing to do with being transgender and stop taking testosterone before she does any permanent damage. I just want my daughter back.
"When the lawsuits start coming this will be exposed as one of the biggest medical scandals in history." I certainly hope so. I have the details of the man (I won't dignify him with the title of Dr, as I believe a doctor must follow the tenet of 'First, do no harm.') who gave my daughter testosterone after a single 15-20 minute appointment. I hope to see him stripped of his credentials and license to practise, then sued into oblivion. Along with every other charlatan that has dragged young people down this path, lining their own pockets along their sorry way. Shame on each and every one of them.
Thank you for all you have done for your daughter and standing up to the madness. I am a mother in a similar situation with my 14 yr old son. He has always presented as a stereotypical boy (rough housing, loving male centric toys like weapons, nerf-gun etc) and then fast forward to the onset of puberty where he struggled with fitting in with a 'group'. He's always been well liked -bright, funny and kind. When he came out as gay at 13 his family and friends accepted him completely. But the following yr he started at a new conservative (mostly Christian) private school where the boys were not as accepting and my son felt bullied. Anxiety and body dysmorphia set in. He said that the thought of two guys together didn't seem right. I sent him to a gender therapist to help him with these opposing feelings and to be okay with who he is in a society that didn't always honor homosexuality. Instead, the gender therapist asked if he might be "happier as a girl" (!!!) and that he could go on puberty blockers "to push the pause button" (!!!) the rest was a nightmare I couldn't seem to wake from... I had to educate myself fast as I felt I was in a rush to save my son's life. Since then I have found a non affirming therapist. One willing to actually find out what is at the root cause of my son's feelings (which we both suspect comes from not having positive, gay role models and coming to terms with being okay with his highly sensitive nature). Fortunately, I have a deep bond with my son. He is still struggling with body dysphoria but he is bright and lucid enough to know that transitioning, mtf, is not being a girl and that he would always be a boy trying to be a girl and that sounded equally distressing to him. It's hard though, as the current zeitgeist / social media is filled with celebratory coming out narratives, influencers transitioning, supposedly living their best lives, as if the hormones and surgeries where of no consequence. I do believe that some children are born with a severe distress of feeling like they are not the sex they are told they are. In these unique cases transition may help them. I have compassion for them and would not want to keep treatment from them. But this is NOT what so many of us are speaking out about. It is the epidemic of confused, anxious teens. Please let's not fail them. Everyone, get your voice heard.
You're going to live with the consequences of your decision, or your child will. I won't.
When we were warning about this a decade ago, you called us bigots. Well fuck you. Enjoy the bed you made we warned you about as you slandered and libeled us.
I'm sure you got accolades for being a "progressive".
"If the gender transition industry is anything it is profoundly racist...''
Racist? What's racist about it?
Thank you. So very much for you story. I am a licensed Mental Health Therapist and I am disgusted by what my profession has been doing to young children and teens. I am so glad to hear your beautiful story. Life long progressive here as well, getting all the backlash that a "Lefugee:" gets when she speaks the truth about this issue. Its a massive lost in my own believes as I am very much pro Gay rights. Much Much love and care to you.
I heard you on the Wider Lens podcast and came back to re-read this essay. Huge thanks for telling your story, as it's given many of us a little bit of hope. And we certainly need some hope. My children (both affected by this) are over 18 now, so I can't make them move overseas. Perhaps I could take them on a shorter trip somewhere to a place where we could just vacation normally the way we used to before the world went crazy.
This is so heartbreaking and, as grandparents, we are terrified that it will happen to us. How do we counter what becomes an inexorable path leading to our granddaughter to irreversible harm when child therapists -- therapists! -- are telling her parents that not supporting her choice of pronouns will lead her to suicide? What is happening to a therapy? How can therapists do this?
Your journey is a harrowing one. Your steadfast support of your child touches me in the tender places where my own mother failed to do the same when I was a child and the scars that left on my psyche and wellbeing. I am a new MFT and terrified about facing the backlash should I be expected to fast track a child or young adult into hormone or medical transition (which I will refuse as it violates my ethics of not harming my clients, not to mention, rushing anything in therapy is antithetical to healing and/or recovery). I am curious how 'gender' therapists have any business providing education on hormone or medical transition to clients. This is outside of the scope of psychotherapy, though, I suppose there may be new certificates people can obtain to allow for such a thing. This therapist you describe sounds like she is not challenging her biases or self-scrutinizing to ensure her self-of-the-therapist is in check. She sounds highly unethical and, having been in a grad cohort in the last few years, many of the younger aspiring therapists specifically expressed wanting to work with trans kids and help fast track their transitions. No questions about it from the faculty around context, assessing for biopsychosocial factors, systemic factors, or comorbidities. Instead, anything trans was celebrated and unquestioned. My code of ethics even has a statement that contradictorily states we should 'do no harm' and also not explore gender because, to do so would be akin to conversion therapy. The fact that curiosity and slowing down are deemed 'transphobic,' makes it so that therapists who are concerned and who actually no not want to harm their clients must use an alias and find online chat opportunities to explore this subject — for fear of being cancelled and shunned in the real world.
I believe you are correct, that this will someday be considered a huge medical scandal. And it breaks my heart that the guinea pigs are vulnerable kids and young people and their panicked parents who want to do what is "right" and the noise of the trans movement is such that reason and a regulated nervous system are not allowed prior to pushing kids into hormones and medical transition. It reminds me of when people get a cancer diagnosis and, regardless of if the cancer is slow growing or not, a patient is rushed into the chemicals and surgeries and given NO time to process, step back and consider all options... its is all about fear mongering.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Hello, my beautiful America. This is President Eden, and it's time we had a talk. It's time we discussed something rather important. The issue at hand is, well, my presidency. The question has been raised, I know, as to just how I came to be elected to this most illustrious office. Or whether or not I had been elected at all. To that I must answer; of course. Of course I was elected, sweet America, of course. Isn't the right to vote the very foundation of a democracy? Unfortunately, in the interest of national security, I am not at liberty to discuss the details of the election, you understand. But rest assured, I am your president because the appropriate people of this great nation decided I should be. I am your duly elected representative. Of course, when the time comes, when my term is up, America will be free to elect a new president. And that person will have our full faith and confidence, and carry our collective values forward into the future. Democracy, dear America. Democracy now, and forever. We've got to part now, you and I, but don't be sad America. The Enclave is working tirelessly, to rebuild this great nation, so you don't have to. Until we meet again, this is John Henry Eden, signing off.
"It helps that the local language, which my daughter is quickly absorbing and starting to speak, is devoid of gendered grammatical markers."
If you're talking about Russian that is not how I remember it. OK I took one year of it over fifty years ago but I remember that not only did it have the usual pronouns but that nouns were gendered too, masc/fem/neut and even plural in the singular.
Russian is far from the only language spoken in the former USSR, are you talking about another?
Thank you for writing this and helping other parents by sharing it. You speak beautifully to the truth. I am truly moved and hope for continued healing for all of you. I hope to help my daughter in the exact same circumstances. COVID, minor autism, high school class of 2020 devastation.
Also, thank you for posting your and your daughter's story. My son wants hormones to become a "girl". My son obviously hates his body - body dysmorphia as a diagnosis is not questionable. However, my son does not seem to identify as a woman. I do not believe he has gender dysphoria. Yes, he is probably autistic. Yes, he experienced trauma prior to deciding he was trans: we moved multiple times during COVID, we live in a state that required online school during COVID, he left the only home he had ever known and spent a year in isolation with his computer. A year later, according to his statements to doctors, he realized the reason he was so unhappy was because he was trans. I cannot let these facts go when affirmers, including his current therapist, say hormones are the "answer". On a personal note, I feel like I am living an episode of the Twilight Zone. Nothing makes sense. I have had two left-leaning psych professionals (one a psychiatrist and one a psychologist) tell me that they do not agree with the current handling by the medical community of kids like ours. However, they will not speak up. Please, do so.
I am a hypocrite, because I have not done so - I do not feel our (my son's and my family's) story is compelling enough at this point (I believe I cannot provide what you were able to).. .however, I will ask the following of you despite this fact: please, send this letter to newspapers in the US, magazines, the congresspeople who represented the districts you lived in prior to leaving the US etc. You are a professional, a clinical psychologist and obviously not anti-trans as a baseline. I believe the liberal media would be inclined to at least hear you if not publish your letter.
My family is going through this now with our daughter, who sounds quite similar to yours - highly gifted, history of depression and anxiety, body dysmorphia - she presents as severely underweight despite a healthy appetite and diet, no signs of bulimia, has had constant attention all her life over how thin she is, usually under the guise of praise but resulted in her being hyper conscious of her body - almost definitely on the autism spectrum, then caught up in COVID lockdowns that had her isolated at home for half of her final year of school, falling down LGBT social media rabbit holes. She first 'came out' as bisexual when she was around 15 and had never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. My partner is a teacher and reports this is now very common with girls at that age - in one of his classes, only one of the girls 'identifies' as both straight and female. One girl out of 14. The rest are somewhere along the LGBTIQA conga line, with several using they/them pronouns and preferred names that are not their legal names. The statistics are now so skewed towards girls identifying as male or non-binary that this alone should be ringing alarm bells. LOUDLY.
Back to our daughter - by the end of her final year of school, she said she was non-binary and wanted to be called a different - male, but in another language - name. We went along with it, hoping it was something she would outgrow as she found her place in a wider world outside her internet echo chamber. Unfortunately, this has not been the case - she only has 2 'real life' friends, the rest are a relentless and demanding pro trans chorus she interacts with online. And now, after a single appointment - just the one appointment - with a doctor, she has been prescribed testosterone to start transitioning to male. As she is now over 18, there is nothing we can do to prevent her inflicting this self-harm. When I try to broach the subject, she calls me a TERF, says I'm transphobic and she will cut me out of her life if I raise my concerns again. She still lives at home and is essentially dependent on us - she has a part time job in retail, but I've noticed her shifts being reduced as she ups the ante with her appearance - multiple facial piercings, hyper masculine, metal head clothing, deepening her voice (apparently she is having vocal training, as well as the effects of the testosterone), and her aim is to grow facial hair. So she is making herself unemployable - we live in a pretty conservative regional small city, and her appearance is definitely quite extreme for our area.
I don't care what people think about her appearance, I care that it is putting her at risk of violence. She is a very feminine looking woman, slim, very delicate features, and she will never, ever 'pass' as a man. She will simply look like a woman with a beard. And around here, that will get her bashed and quite possibly raped if she insists on using male toilets and other facilities - which I can see her doing, as she is militant about trans rights. She'll do it to prove a point. I am so scared for her and so angry with this delusion that has been served up to an entire generation of (mainly) young women. She is my only daughter, her siblings are all male, and I am brokenhearted that she has been brainwashed into thinking her womanhood is something best erased, that to be a man is somehow superior. I cannot show my grief, as it is unacceptable anywhere now to question transitioning. How did we get to the stage where parents cannot express concerns about their children without being labelled and abused? And where will this madness end? With a world that is predominantly male and trans male? In whose interest is it to eliminate women from society? And what will the future look like if a significant number of young women have reduced or no fertility as a result of medical mistreatment?
I am so happy that you and your daughter came through this - she is so lucky she had you fighting for her. I can't do the same for my daughter as she is an adult. All I can do is hope she will come to realise herself that her issues had nothing to do with being transgender and stop taking testosterone before she does any permanent damage. I just want my daughter back.
"When the lawsuits start coming this will be exposed as one of the biggest medical scandals in history." I certainly hope so. I have the details of the man (I won't dignify him with the title of Dr, as I believe a doctor must follow the tenet of 'First, do no harm.') who gave my daughter testosterone after a single 15-20 minute appointment. I hope to see him stripped of his credentials and license to practise, then sued into oblivion. Along with every other charlatan that has dragged young people down this path, lining their own pockets along their sorry way. Shame on each and every one of them.
Please, if you can find it in yourself to do so, name and shame the transmengele creep.
I can tell how much you care about your daughter from the way you write about this experience. I'm glad she is doing well.
ADHD isn't a real disease.
Pfft, after 2 years, of this BS pandemic, what I've come to learn is medical professionals are full of shit, and compliant. You're total idiots.